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Subject: FW: How to annoy a bank...
> >Anyone who has had a recent "Banking Experience" will love this. > > > >It's longish but quite good (and pertinent) > >From TheStreet.co.uk > > >Striking Back at the Banks >16/3/2000 6:50 by David Burrows <mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]> >Personal Finance Correspondent >It is good to know that I am not suffering alone in the world. >After last week's Disgruntled </catchwrd/disgruntled/10465.html> on how to >get your own back on the banks, I have been inundated with sympathetic >e-mails from readers who agree it is time to hit back. Thank-you to all >those who sent e-mails, they made very amusing reading. >One in particular is worth passing on in this column as it might serve as >a useful model for readers to follow. The reader copied a letter to me >which he is sending to his bank in the US. >The reader is fed up of being issued orders over the bank's answer-phones >and is more just a little disgruntled with the unjustifiable charges they >levy just for drawing breath. >Dear Sir, >I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavoured >to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds >must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my >account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the >automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I >admit, has only been in place or eight years. >You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and >also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the >inconvenience I caused to your bank. >My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused >me to re-think my errant financial ways. I am restructuring my affairs in >1999, taking as my model the procedures, of your very bank. >Please be advised about the following changes. >First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone >calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the >impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank >has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and >blood person. >My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer >be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed >personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must >nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for >any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an >Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to >complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as >much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no >alternative. >In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she >must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter >than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button >presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. >Let me also introduce you to my new telephone system, which you will >notice, is very much like yours. My authorised contact at your bank may >call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By >pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive >set of menus: >To make an appointment to see me To query a missing repayment To make a >general complaint or inquiry To transfer the call to my living room in >case I am there. Extension of living room to be communicated at the time >the call is received. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am >sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is >received. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to >nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is >received. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to all the >options again. >The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my >automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy >wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a >refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie: >Oh, the banks are made of marble with a guard at every door, and the >vaults are filled with silver that the miners sweated for. >My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute, so you would be well >advised to keep your enquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but >again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to >cover the setting up of this new arrangement. >Your humble client etc,etc. >I love the Woody Guthrie reference but if you really wanted to inflict >maximum pain, you could subject your bank to the nine minute long Ballad >of Hollis Brown by Bob Dylan, which details a farmer's decline as a result >of crop failure and his horse having to be slaughtered. It ends with him >cheerily taking the shotgun to himself rather than further the misery of >dealing with the bank. A tad melodramatic maybe but it will certainly >depress the life out of anyone left hanging on the phone. >Don't be scared to be heavy-handed - remember we are talking about bankers >here and they do not have the same feelings as normal people. You have to >work hard to get beneath that armour-plated indifference. > > |
