���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop receiving these mailings then please visit: <a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com/purehumour.html ">Click</a> Did you catch the premiere of "8 Simple Rules....(For Dating My Daughter)" on ABC last week? This is the most anticipated new sitcom of the year... based on a book written by W. Bruce Cameron, it stars John Ritter as the father of teenagers who are coming of age. The comedy is too close to being reality and it is a great half hour of TV viewing. I am proud to say that I know Bruce through an association on a mailing list and I think he is as shocked as all of us over the success of the show. If you get the chance...check it out and see that sitcoms do still have that mass appeal! Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Megan, Stan, Keli, Barbara, Ishy, Pat, Rubin, Terri, Wayne. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: Why did the blonde stop using the pill? It kept falling out! ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Nasty greeting cards <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.145 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.145 It's Hung like a .... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.147 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.147 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: LARGER BREASTS !!!!!!!! LONGER THICKER PENIS !!!!!! WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS !!!!! A SHOPPING CART WITHOUT ONE WOBBLY WHEEL !!!! No, I can't promise you any of those things, but pick up a copy of "That's Comedy! on CD" and I will promise you plenty of giggles, a whole bunch of chuckles, many guffaws and the possibility that you may laugh so hard you'll pass an entire cheese sandwich through your nose. It makes a great gift. Order a copy today. Click the link for more info. <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/28.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/28.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Keli, Wendy and Anni were stranded on an island. Keli looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." She swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. Wendy said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. Wendy had a lot more endurance than Keli, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So Anni thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back! ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1941 Linda Eastman McCartney NYC, Mrs Paul McCartney, rocker (Wings-Ram) 1943 Lee Aaker LA Calif, actor (Rusty-Rin Tin Tin) 1946 "Mean" Joe Greene NFL tackle (Pitts Steelers), Coke spokesman 1946 Jacqueline Courtney NJ, actress (Another World, One Life to Live) 1951 Terry Metcalf Seattle, NFL, CFL running back (St Louis, Toronto) 1956 Ilona Slupianek German DR, shot-putter (Olympic-gold-1980) 1962 Joseph Kennedy II (Rep-D-Mass) 1964 Gene Watkins Waco Tx, actor (James Walsh-As the World Turns) 1969 Gene Hunt entertainer 1969 Lisa Matthews Peoria Ill, playmate (Apr, 1990) 1971 Shane Conrad actress (Cody-High Mountain Rangers) .....and on this day in history: 1950 "Operation Magic Carpet"-All Jews from Yemen move to Israel 1952 Underwater volcano explodes under research vessel Kaiyo-maru-5 1953 "Take a Giant Step," opens on Broadway 1954 Tonight Show premiers on NBC (Johnny takes over 8 years later) 1954 Yanks tie a record, 3 of their pinch hitters strike out in 1 inning 1955 Pres Eisenhower suffers a heart attack on vacation in Denver 1957 Bkln Dodgers play last game at Ebbets Field, defeat Pirates 2-0 1957 Eisenhower orders US troops to desegregate Little Rock schools 1958 1st welded aluminum girder highway bridge completed, Urbandale, Ia 1960 1st nuclear-powered aircraft carrier, launches (USS Enterprise) 1960 Internationl Development Assn (UN agency) comes into existence 1962 US Circuit Court of Appeals orders Meredith admitted to U of Miss 1963 Senate ratifies treaty with Britain & USSR limit nuclear testing 1964 "The Munsters" premiers 1964 Ringo forms Brikley Building Company Ltd 1967 Cards Jim Bakken kicks 7 field goals vs Steelers 1968 "60 Minutes" premiers 1968 "That's Life" premiers-A Broadway musical type TV show 1968 NY Met manager Gil Hodges suffers a heart attack 1969 Trial of "Chicago 8" (protesters at Dem Natl Conv) begins 1970 1st Automated return of lunar sample by Luna 16 1971 Houston Astros beat SD Padres, 2-1, in 21 innings 1972 Antique F86 Sabrejet fails to takeoff at air show, kills 22 1972 Jack Tatum, Oakland, returns a fumble 104 yds vs Green Bay (rec) 1972 NY Jet Joe Namath passes for 6 touchdowns vs Balt Colt (44-34) 1973 Portuguese Guinea (Guinea-Bissau) declares independence 1973 St Louis Cards Jim Bakken sets NFL record kicking 7 field goals 1974 Al Kaline gets his 3,000th career hit 1976 Newspaper heiress Patricia Hearst sentenced to 7 years for her part in a 1974 bank robbery. Released after 22 months by Pres Carter 1977 Ken Hinton of CFL British Columbia Lions returns a punt 130 yards 1978 Ron Guidry beats Cleveland 4-0, raising his record to 23-3 ERA 1.74 1979 CompuServe system started 1982 Tennis great Bj"rn B"rg retires at 26 1982 US, Italian & French peacekeeping troops begin arriving in Lebanon 1984 Paul McCartney releases "No More Lonely Nights" 1985 Apollo Computer Inc. lays off 300 employees 1985 Fastest English Channel crossing by a relay team set (15h 30m) 1985 Montreal Expo Andre Dawson is 9th to get 6 RBIs in an inning (5th) 1988 Barbara C Harris of Mass, elected 1st woman Episcopal bishop 1988 Canada's Ben Johnson runs drug-assisted 100 m in 9.79 sec 1988 Jackie Joyner-Kersee of USA sets the heptathlon woman's record (7,291) 1990 South African president F.W. de Klerk meets Pres Bush in Wash DC 1990 Supreme Soviet gives approval to switch to free market 1991 "Good & Evil" & "Sibs" premiers on ABC TV 1991 Doogie Howser loses his virginity 1991 Robin Yount is 37th to hit 2,000 singles �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, "What on earth is that all about?" The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm." "Okay, but that was two months ago.Why does he still wear them?" The farmer replied, "There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free! Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in addition to the BEST humour around...all without any ads at all! Guaranteed! <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� Is it war? Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "It's the friends you can call up at 4 A. M. that matter." -Marlene Dietrich ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Proctologist Called <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/33.htm ">Click</a> http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/33.htm Certified Orgasm Expert <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/34.htm ">Click</a> http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/34.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� My daughter-in-law Alma and grandson Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother. "No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an earthworm." "He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?" ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� The dog takes one in the face. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.151 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.151 A compressed File... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.159 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.159 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� [For my buddy Robbie (of IBTWYPDB fame!)] Basic Guide To Aussie Life.... 1.The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm. 2.The shorter the nickname, the more they like you. 3.Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle. 4.If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie. 5.There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce. 6.On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. 7.Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate. 8.All our best heroes are losers. 9.The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags. 10.It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold. 11.A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped. 12.It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard". 13.Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names. 14.The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes. 15.If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing. 16.The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool. 17.It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself. 18.The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much. 19.If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it). 20.If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go. 21.The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying. 22.Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what back- yards are for. 23.The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor. 24.On picnics, the Eskyis always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be solved by leaving the food behind. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� From the creators of Oska and Tahni comes a brand new and fun creation...get him for FREE at: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/15.html ">TeeCee!</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office." The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!" ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� The Vatican has decided that it is not a sin to kiss a nun, just don't get into the habit. ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� Despite their immense strength, lions do not have an easy life in the wild. They suffer from parasites and disease, they get injured or even killed while hunting or fighting with each other, and they may starve when food is scarce. How many cubs die before they are 1 year old? A. One-quarter B. Two-thirds C. Half D. Nearly all --- Fossils of elephant ancestors indicate they once lived on what continents? A. Only Africa and Asia B. Australia and Antarctica C. All except Australia and Antarctica D. Europe and the Americas <Answers in Next Issue!> Last Issue's Answers: What event do Mexicans and Mexican-Americans celebrate on Sept. 16? B. Mexican Independence Day --- Many common English words are very similar to Spanish vocabulary. Which word did NOT come from Spanish? D. Cookie � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Can Your Beer Do This? <a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08h.htm ">Click</a> http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08h.htm Bad Hair Day <a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/jj12.htm ">Click</a> http://ezinesetc.com/jj12.htm ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> A Dublin Jew who happens to be walking by an Orangemen march, is hit in the head by a rock, and collapses, nearing the point of death. A priest, who happens to be at the march, takes the man in his arms and says, "Do you believe in God the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?" The Jew looks at him with a puzzled gaze and says, "Here I am dying, and now he asks me riddles!" <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------��� In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the past! Sept 23 2000 <a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m524.html ">Click</a> http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m524.html ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� "Fireflies are marvels of nature!That a tiny creature can produce such a bright light! They use it to attract a mate, you know." "Really? They use it to get the attention of other fireflies? So - I guess you could say they have 'Hi' beams!" ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Whack A Groundhog <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/whack.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/whack.html Pick N Pair Sports <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ppairsports.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ppairsports.html ���-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------��� A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj Off in the distance Sam could see a figure. Dog? Cat? He couldn't be sure but it was definitely some kind of animal. It stood on four legs and was just frozen in one spot. To Sam it almost looked more like a shadow of an animal than an actual animal. The rest of the pack carefully turned their heads to see the figure and Sam was relieved when they whispered that they saw it too. He couldn't help but question his own eyes and their confirmation made him feel better. "I can't pick up any scent" said Prince. "He's too far away." "Should we head that way"? Asked Shep. Sam surveyed the situation and spoke to the group without moving his mouth. "We go slow and we go as a group." Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge. After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling." "Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not." Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?" The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied "With whom?" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� [A classic!] A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went. But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Catching a Groom <a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/jj13.htm ">Click</a> http://ezinesetc.com/jj13.htm Take Your Best Shot <a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08i.html ">Click</a> http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08i.html ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A house fire has been blamed on a dog which urinated on a vacuum cleaner. West Midlands Fire Service say the blaze took place at a terraced house in, Aston, Birmingham. A brigade spokesman says two crews arrived at the scene to find that the motor of the cleaner, which was plugged in, had burnt out. "It's certainly a highly unusual incident and not one that we would expect to deal with very often," the spokesman added. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Letter to the Railroad Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, A Commuter ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, The Railroad ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years. Yours truly, A Commuter ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] M E G A P H O N E M A R A U D E R S [||||] America's top olive drabster, Gen. Tommy Franks, has delivered a set of military options available to Dub for his one man war on Iraq that, according to Tom, are "highly classified." (LA Daily News) Which is Pentagonese for "available only to the prez, the Joint Chiefs and CNN." Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� More stuff you didn't need to know...but now you know it! Butterflies taste with their feet. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined. On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year. On average people fear spiders more than they do death. Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. A snail can sleep for three years. No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH." Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY! The electric chair was invented by a dentist. All polar bears are left handed. In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Never Pay for Condoms! Check out FreeCondoms.com... <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/5.html ">Click here</a> ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Capture the moment... Smelly. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.171 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.171 Can you take the pain... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.173 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.173 ���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------��� Lucas Patrick of Seymour walked into police headquarters and announced he was Jesus Christ, police said. He then led officers to 16 bags of crack cocaine in his vehicle and told them they'd earn "salvation" by arresting him on drug charges. Bless their souls, that's just what they did. Patrick, 24, of Balance Rock, was charged with possession of narcotics and possession of narcotics within 1,500 feet of a school zone. "By arresting him, he said we passed the test and had been saved," said Detective Sgt. Michael Madden, police spokesman. Patrick had been arrested just last month in a Valley-wide drug sweep. He took it on himself to visit Shelton police Wednesday to talk with officers about a Shelton crime case, police said. Then they all went to his vehicle, where the cocaine was stashed, police said. "We stated that he had to get arrested for this and he said, It is God's will,' " Madden said. Patrick later acknowledged using hallucinogenic drugs and smoking marijuana laced with embalming fluid, known on the street as "wet," police said. But he said God was the reason he didn't want to sell crack anymore, Madden said. "He shook our hands and told us we have been made whole, 100 percent," he said. Detective Ben Trabka said it's common for suspects to say they've changed their lives. But he said it's rare to hear them claim they're Jesus. Madden said Patrick cooperated throughout the arrest. Patrick, dressed in a greenish sweater with casino dice on it, had a peaceful air during his arraignment at Derby Superior Court. Assistant State's Attorney John Kerwin recommended that his bond be raised from $10,000 to $15,000 due to his Feb. 5 arrest for possession of cocaine with intent to sell and possession of cocaine within 1,500 feet of a school zone. But Public Defender David Nanavaty pointed to Patrick's courtesy toward police. Judge Joseph Sylvester let stand the original bond and ordered that Patrick receive medical and psychiatric treatment. "Apparently he has found Jesus, and does not need drugs anymore," Sylvester said. ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� What do you get if you cross a pit bull with Lassie? A dog that chews your leg off, then fetches the doctor. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� This Week's Laughing Stalk by Erik Deckers Crime Doesn't Pay, It Hurts by Erik Deckers We've all been told that crime doesn't pay, and for the most part, that's true. Sure, there are the stories everyone has heard, like the Australian burglar who broke into a house in 1997, was attacked by the victims and their dogs, and then sued for physical and emotional damage three years later. Or the $50,000 award given this past August to the Australian teenager who broke into a nightclub and was beaten by the owner, even thought he had been labeled a "grossly stupid, totally irresponsible drunken lout" by the court. To add insult to injury, the lout's mother was given another $18,000 for "nervous shock" after seeing her son's injuries. But the rest of the time, crime doesn't pay, even if you are Australian. If you're gonna do the crime, you're gonna do the time -- and it's going to hurt -- we're fond of telling today's youth. At least I am. I'm trying to scare the little hoodlums into turning down their car stereos. Take, for example, Martin Brewer who recently discovered that just being in jail can earn you a pretty savage beating. According to a story on Denver's Channel 7 website, Brewer had just finished testifying against Edward Brown for allegedly killing two of Brewer's friends. While waiting to be transported back to the state prison, the Arapahoe County (Colorado) Sheriff's deputies -- who apparently have the common sense of a bucket of gravel -- placed Brewer and Brown in the same cell. Not too surprisingly, Brown "allegedly" beat the "living snot" out of Brewer, breaking his nose and giving him a black eye. Apparently the beating was so brutal, Brown also broke his right hand. According to the story, the two men were placed in the same cell for about ten minutes. However, thanks to the quick thinking of the Arapahoe County deputies, the two men were separated . . . as soon as they realized a fight had broken out. Deputy #1: Hey, what's that noise? Deputy #2: Dunno. Sounds like a fight. Deputy #1: I think you're right. Could you pass me a doughnut? Deputy #2: Sure. Sprinkles or plain? Deputy #1: Spr--wait a minute, did you say that sounded like a fight?! (Keystone Kops music plays in the background) To make matters worse, there was even a court order in Brewer's jail records prohibiting contact between the two men, but the deputies apparently missed it. "It was an error on the part of one of our deputies," said Arapahoe County Sheriff Grayson Robinson. No, leaving the keys in the cell door and a running car outside is an error. This is just stupid. Now before anyone tells me, "But anyone can make a mistake," let me say that everyone is allowed one mistake like this, no matter how galactically stupid it is. But not two. You see, in February of this year, a 16 year old girl was placed in the same cell with an alleged serial rapist by. . . who? You guessed it, the Arapahoe County Sheriff's deputies. "Obviously, I'm very concerned," Robinson said. "Once again, we've had a case either of laziness or inattentiveness to duty." Or we could be facing an epidemic of stupidity. But it doesn't stop there. Let's hop "across the Pond" and consider Britain's Social Exclusion Unit, a group created by Prime Minister Tony Blair to reduce the number of "re-offenders" from Britain's prison system. According to a July Reuters story, the SEU wants UK prisoners who are leaving jail to sign "going straight" contracts to -- get this -- STOP THEM FROM COMMITTING MORE CRIMES. Their goal, according to Cabinet Office Minister Barbara Roche, is to ". . . reduce re-offending, because you get too many cases of prisoners coming out of prison having served the sentence and then going straight back and committing crime." Let me make sure I understand this. The fact that an act is illegal is not a deterrent. The fact that they spent several years in prison for it is not a deterrent. But the fact that they've signed a piece of paper IS a deterrent? British Prison Official: Okay, Clyde, you have to sign this contract that says you will never rob another bank, and that you promise to be good. British Prisoner: $&%*@! I was planning on robbing a bank as soon as I got out of here, but now that I've signed this contract, I'll have to get an honest job instead. Arapahoe County Sheriff's Deputy: Excuse me, are you going to finish that doughnut? I'm sure there are many people have criticized the SEU's plan as being too naive and idealistic. They probably favor a more drastic method, like the one proposed by Roberto Calderoli, vice president of Italy's Senate. He believes all rapists should be physically, not chemically, castrated. "Once upon a time one spoke of chemical castration, but personally I tend more toward simpler methods: scissors, and ones that are not necessarily sterilized," Calderoli told reporters. In other words, the Italians would have their own version of a going straight contract, but they wouldn't use a pen to sign it. While I don't propose that the American prison system adopts something so drastic and painful as the Italian proposal, or something so inane as the British proposal, maybe they can come up with a compromise. Like dressing prisoners up as a doughnut, and putting them in a cell with Anna Nicole Smith. 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