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<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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This last couple of days has been really rough...so today I bring you an
"ad-free blast from the past issue" This issue was originally sent out on
Friday November 24th 2000 ... step back a little bit in time to enjoy it...
I will be back next Friday if all goes well!
Contributors to today's list include: Barbara, Carroll, Terri,
Chris, Rubin, Ishy, Cat, The Posens.
=|*************************PureHumour*********************|=
Humour-Shrink Groaner!
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to
help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other
night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an
Alpha Romero. Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this
mean?"
"Relax," says the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body experience.
=|*************************PureHumour*********************|=
Humour-Jerry Springer shows you may see in the future
If you like watching your Dad and Mom have sex on their own
website, call 1-800-Jerry and tell your story!
If your father's sister's mother's aunt's grandfather's
nephew's cousin is your bisexual lover and they want you to
have sex while the family watches, but you're against it ...
Please Call 1-800-69-JERRY
Are you a transsexual with a story to tell? Call Associate
Producer Deb at 888-321-5387
If your Mom is your cousin, aunt, uncle and dad and you have
the urge to have her children, Call 1-800-JERRY
Does your college roommate beat off in the middle of the
night and you want to confront him call us at 1-800-Jerry.
Are you a bald, one legged male prostitute, And want to
confront your one eyed pimp on our show? Call 1-800-JERRY
Are you a schizophrenic necrophelic, and 3 different
personalities want to propose to your canine companion?
Call 1-800-Jerry
If your penis is 2 inches ... from the ground call
1-800-hi-Jerry
Is your gay son using your douche to satisfy his gay needs??
If so call 1-800-89-Jerry
If your father is your mother's cousin and you are currently
having an affair with your sister (or is it your aunt?).
Call 1-800-JERRY
Are you a pregnant prostitute who is in love with your pimp
and his girlfriend and want to confront them both on our
show? Call 1-800-JERRY
Is your gay lover having an affair with both your parents?
Then call 1-800-Jerry
If your Mom is thinking of becoming a man to satisfy your
father's gay curiosity, please call us at 1-800-Jerry
Is your Dad a Grand Dragon in the KKK, and you are having
an interracial sex affair?
If so, call 1-800-Jerry and tell us your story!
Do you suspect your wife or partner of having sexual
relations with the family pet?
Call 1-800-Jerry and tell us your story!
=|*************************PureHumour*********************|=
Humour-Top 10 reasons for being Italian :
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5. Can wear sunglasses indoors.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.
=|*************************PureHumour*********************|=
Humour-Oooops!
Nervous, slightly deaf and new preacher is about to give his first sermon.
A prompt is nearby. Everything goes ok until:
PROMPT: Then Moses made an annointment for the shins of his people
PRIEST: Then Moses made an ointment for the chins of his people
PROMPT: No, you stupid bastard, you've spoiled it all
PRIEST: And then the stupid bastard spilled it all.
=|*************************PureHumour*********************|=
Weird News
<She had really "HOT" Breasts!>
SCRANTON, Pennsylvania - Patricia Ryan, a stripper at the
Cabaret Nightclub, had a routine that kept audiences riveted.
During her performance she would "breathe fire" using 151-
proof rum. Unfortunately, during one performance, some of
the alcohol dribbled onto her breasts and ignited, giving
her second degree burns. Ryan subsequently sued the club,
claiming they didn't have the proper safety equipment and
that fellow employees didn't act quickly enough to help her.
The now ex-stripper was awarded $360,000. That's comes to
about 180 thousand per breast.
Weird News is an almost daily feature of Purehumour....if you
come across a "published" weird news story...send it in to
<a href=" mailto:news@;paulsfunhouse.com ">News</a>
Please include the name of the publication and the date.
=|*************************PureHumour*********************|=
Humour-Life!
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara
desert on a camel. On the third day out the
camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the
priest surveyed their situation. After a long
period of silence, the priest spoke. Well
sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it
likely that we can survive more than a day or
two."
"I agree," says the Father, "Sister, since we
are unlikely to make it out of here alive,
would you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was
wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that
it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed
the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting
frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She
consented and he fondled them for several
minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see
yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest
replied, lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
This priest consented and after a few minutes
of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis
in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it in that camel and
let's get the hell out of here?"
=|*************************PureHumour*********************|=
Humour-Tattoo!
There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar.
The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering
sexist remarks as to how women cannot take enough pain
to get a tattoo.
After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer,
the woman states, "Well, I have a tattoo, too!"
The men all look surprised.
The woman continues, "I have a tattoo of a cute little
grey mouse in a rather private place. Do you want to see
my tattoo?"
The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts
gathering around the woman..
Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants
and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of
confused, and gives the men a wimpish smile.
One of the men asks, "What's wrong, sweet lady?"
The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, "Oh,
nothing, I can't show you my little mouse tattoo after
all. My pussy must have eaten it."
=|*************************PureHumour*********************|=
Humour-Bad Illness!
The man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things
around the house that he used to do. When the examination was
complete, he said,
"Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong
with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a
plain old lazy fart."
"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I
can tell my wife!"
=|*************************PureHumour*********************|=
Humour-Man's Answers To Every Question A Woman Ever Asks
1. Why are men such jerks?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing,
we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you
think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years
shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and
nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior.
We're just misunderstood.
2. Why do men always have to ogle other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think
that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the
moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are
just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain
it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one
quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men
lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by
staring as much as we can.
3. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make
him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in
public is just an added bonus.
4. Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our
partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
5. Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time
you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
6. Why do men have to act like such retards?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy
it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's
missing in so much of the world nowadays.
7. Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to
understand that men and women are different? How are we
supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we
feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like
rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no
idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I
try to figure out how I feel.
8. Why can't men cuddle more (IE lie down and hug)?
Please... How many hours do you think there are in a day?
We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides
women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men...
Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go
find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on
end on the other hand is a whole other story.
9. How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed
by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of
time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was
often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of
time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters
were able to sit very still for very extended periods of
time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny.
The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed
tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men
are born with this innate ability.
10. Why can't men just say "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self
sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to
saying that we need you. Most men consider that a
character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own
character faults.
11. Why do men say "I LOVE YOU" when they hardly know me?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think
it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly,
it actually still works quite well.
12. Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single
one of your questions. If we think we do not have the
answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply
remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
13. Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much.
Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
14. What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's
our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you.
Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection.
Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us
stomach cramps.
15. Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We
just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants
to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no
intention of killing? Err... buying?
=|*************************PureHumour*********************|=
Humour-He Helped!
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of
the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the
local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at
the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll
have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."
The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and
we don't serve his kind around here."
"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be
here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine
and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the
roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't
believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat
from holding the roof up."
The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came
back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I
also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that
all about?"
The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."
=|*************************PureHumour*********************|=
Humour-Golfing!
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club,
playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary
caddy.
Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. On the
18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.
He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly
all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think
you could keep your head down that long."
=|*************************PureHumour*********************|=
Final Humour-A Quickie!
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study to determine why married women
love Chinese food so much.
The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled
backwards is: Not Now.
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