Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:
>
>
> Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's
> daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him
> and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
>
> Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but
> trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international
> harmony.
>
> The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our
> highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
>
> A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
> multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind
> without regulation.
>
> Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
> Clinton.
>
> The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
> speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
>
> If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
>
> A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies,
> then demand their cooperation and money.
>
> Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing
> health care to all Americans is socialism.
>
> HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at
> heart.
>
> Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
> creationism should be taught in schools.
>
> A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
> offense.
>
> A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die
> is solid defense policy.
>
> Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
> Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the
> Internet.
>
> The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
> George Bush's driving and military record is none of our business.
>
> Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
> conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our
> prayers for your recovery.
>
> You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John
> Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the
> right to adopt.
>
> What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but
> what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
