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Very creative and humorous way to divide the country. How
many blue states were there out of 50? Hmmm, maybe 7.
:-)
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Monday, November 08, 2004 6:13
PM
Subject: [QUAD-L] Fwd: An open letter to
the Red States from the Blue States
An open letter to
the Red States from the Blue States:
We
need to talk. About us.
God, this
is so hard to
say,
but ...
we
want
a divorce.
I
know, it's hard to turn our backs on such a long
marriage.
We
had a good run! Remember way back when, when we cooked
up
a crazy
little thing called a
"republic"? Nobody said we'd last.
And
remember when we saved the world
from Fascism? Went to the moon?
Good
times!
But
let's face it: for the past forty years or so,
we've
really just been going through
the motions. The love that got
us
through so much is gone. Sure,
sometimes when times get tough we
stick
together, but as soon as the
pressure's off, we just start
fighting
again. For decades, we've been papering over our
differences
with
compromises that leave
both of us feeling cheated. Like, we ban
*some*
abortions but not all of them.
Or, we put *three* countries in
the Axis
of Evil, but we only invade one. Or we lower income taxes on
the
rich,
but keep the capital gains taxes in place. Is that
honestly
making
you
happy?
Because
we're pretty miserable about it.
Now, one
of the trickiest things in any divorce is
the
division of property, but we
think that we can be mature about
it.
We
don't need to divvy everything up along state lines, but
it
seems
pretty obvious what we can swap: we get Cleveland and St. Louis and
Las
Vegas; you get Western Maryland, Eastern Washington,
Southern
Illinois,
and New Hampshire. There's details to be worked out
of
course,
but I think the lawyers can come up with a good
compromise.
What's
that? You don't want New Hampshire either?
I
guess they'll just have to "live free or die" then! Oh, it's good
that
we can still laugh.>
Now,
the hardest part is the kids. The good part is
that most
of them have already grown up and become
independent
countries.
We think that we ought to keep Puerto Rico though. You know
they
don't
speak English down there, right? I know you've never
been
comfortable
with that. On that note, maybe we'd better hold on to the counties
along
the border in Texas and Arizona. That way, you have a
buffer
between
you and those Mexicans you have such problems with!
Isn't
that
nice?
I know
this is making it sound like we're going to
get
everything, but that's really not true. For instance, you can keep
the
nuclear weapons. We have a feeling that you're going
need
them a
lot more than we are! And you can keep the flag, too, since
you
seem to
like it so much. We can design a new one of our own.
No,
really,
it's no trouble. We're going to be keeping most of
the
entertainment
industry, of course, but of course you can still watch our
TV
shows and
movies.
After
all, you can't watch stuff staring Mel Gibson, Ron Silver, and
Bruce
Willis all the time!
Divorce
is always socially awkward, too. I'm not going to tell
you
that you
can't hang out with our friends, but
honestly, lately you
don't
seem to like them much, especially the Europeans. We know you
still
have your best buds, the Saudis and the Russians, to hang around
with,
though. You guys have so much in common!
Like
a lot of marriages, this one was really hurt by
arguments
over money. Now, I know you don't believe us when we
say
we've
been providing 80 percent of the tax revenues for
years;
I
guess we'll find out! Still, you're always talking so much
about
self-reliance
that we're sure you're not going sue for alimony.
It'll
be
interesting to see how you pay for your agricultural subsidies and
enormous
military.
But
let's not fight! This is how we really want you
to think
about
it:
you're
not losing things, you're gaining freedom.
Freedom
to do all the things you've wanted to do for years that
we
wouldn't
let you.
Just
think: without us, you'll be able to bomb
whoever
you want, and not even have to deal with protesters! You can
ban
abortions,
birth control for teenagers, birth control for
unmarried
adults,
birth control for married adults, and divorce! You
can
put the
Ten Commandments up in front of any and all
public
buildings!
Drill for oil in the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge and cut
down
all the trees in Yellowstone Park! Make school prayer legal!
Make
school prayer mandatory! Make church attendence mandatory! Run
up
as big a deficit as you can! Put pictures of Reagan, Dubya, and
Jesus
on the money!
It'll
be your country! Do what you want!
All we
ask is that you don't pull any Berlin Wall stuff: you need
to
let people
leave to come over to our side if they want. And really, we
don't
think you'd want to keep anyone who wants to
go: after
all, you were the ones who came up with the phrase "love it
or
leave it." We hope you don't get too lonely over there, but
hey,
it's
your
choice.
So,
to sum up: please don't be angry. Though we're
saying
this first, you've let us know, in so many words, that you
don't
have
much use for us anymore, either. We don't hate you; we
just
don't
want to live in the same country as you any more. Hopefully we can
still
be friends, or at least civil neighbors and trading
partners.
But
really: it's not you, it's us.
OK, maybe
it's a little bit you.
Rosie
www.cafepress.com/anandarose
www.homepage.mac.com/rosiebennett
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