Most of the time I feel like I'm over it but then I think of the times I
thought we were so much in love. A psycologist once organized the top ten
thingsthat it takes to make a marriage truly work:commitment was at the top
while love was #10. It doesn't take much for people to fall in and out of
love. A couple that stays married for 50 years falls out of love almost as
many times as they fall in love and some periods they even hate each
other but commitment is the glue that keeps them together.
I would have respected her more had she told me that she was too
overwhelmed than to tell me I didn't take her out as much, didn't buy her as
much and didn't love me anymore. 3 years now and we still don't speak to each
other.
Sent: Thursday, March 31, 2005 6:57
PM
Subject: Re: [QUAD-L] re: Slippery slopes
to making it personal
You should not feel
guilty for any reason. I think if it were me, I'd be extremely
bitter. I suppose you should try to let go of bitterness for your
own peace of mind, forgive but never forget - but I sure wouldn't
blame you if you weren't able to let go of it! This makes me sick.
I can understand it being very trying on a marriage, and some of the romance
diminishing, but you marry someone for better or worse. Even if she just
couldn't deal with it and ultimately felt she needed a divorce for her own
sanity, it sounds like the way she went about it was very
very sleazy. She should be ashamed of herself. I really
hope you're doing OK emotionally now, after that whole ordeal with her.
I'm very sorry for what she put you through.
I understand completely. My wife was 30 and I had just
made 39. Initially because of our very modest income we qualified for
nothing, They wanted to put us on a 'spin down' where any money for
medical exceeded $3400 a month they would cover any other medival
expenses. Problem 1: We brought in only $3500 per month and that was
only becauseof my company's short term disablity pay. And if I was in a
position to afford $3400 just on medical (not including mortgage, food,
utilities, kids, etc), I don't think I would have needed the government's
help. My wife told me after 8 hours at work, changing caths, bathing,
wound dressing, ranging legs, cooking,bowel programs that she didn't feel like
a wife. All of my family stayed in another state. Bathing me and
bowel programs took away the romance at night she said. She did well for
almost 3 years, then we qualified for help 3.5 hours per day but it was too
late. She began spending more hours away from home then confessed she did not
love me anymore, started assisting me less, (I sometimes depended on
friends and neighbors to feed me), slept in the family room for 2 years
then filed for divorce. I had to give her half of my 401k and pay cash
for equity in our home. I received full custody of 16 year child but b/4
papers were final she quit her job making $36,000/year to keep from paying
child support. Judge ordered her to pay $100 a month that I hardly ever
saw. But she says she feels free and alive again, found a new boy friend
22years older than she who told her she doesn't have to work, he will take
care of her. Sometimes I don't know whether to feel guilty or bitter. It
was because of her lack of assistance helping me in bed caused 3 major
pressure sores in Nov 2000, 2 I am still dealing with.
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Thursday, March 31, 2005 8:02
AM
Subject: Re: [QUAD-L] re: Slippery
slopes to making it personal
I agree with you I enjoy life too.....But it is so unfair to
caregivers like my wife, she loves me but we do not qualify for any outside
caregivers or nurse help.....she has to work full time plus change my
catheters-dress and help shower me-- do bowel routines-- leg range of motion
and so on......she always say's she wishes she would die and be free of the
endless work and life has no joy... I feel so guilty but I have no option
but perhaps a nursing home, So while we live in this condition is it fair to
our loved ones ??? Also a few other list members have told me some of
their loved ones feel mizerable with this lifestyle too.
Dan
