I actually kept my mammogram
appointment. I was met with, "Hi, I'm Belinda!" This
perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one
side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room here,
strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda ... try decaf. This
ain't rocket science." Belinda skipped away to prepare the
chamber of horrors.
Call me crazy, but I suspect a man
invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of
36-B to a size 38-LONG. Also, girls aren't made of sugar
and spice and everything nice. It's Spandex! We
can't be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square
glass and still pop back
into shape!
Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left
and said, "Can you stand on your tippee toes and lean in a tad so we can
get everything?"
"Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised and out of
air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck
and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied
gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square
glass when we heard, then felt, a zap! Complete darkness and the
power went off!
"What?" I yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a
snag." Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this
vice alone, are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy
puppy. The door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall
lights. I'll be right back." Before I could shout, NOOOO!" she
disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl,
maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked with part of
me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed
between glass!
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going"
type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter
disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria I replied with as
much calmness as possible. "Uh, yes.yes I did, thanks."
"You take care now," Bubba replied and waved
good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery
store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing
a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement,
she said, "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I
totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to
lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honour, is exactly
how Belinda's head ended up between the
clamps!"
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