dear quad list, thank you all for the many storys and suggestions, it realy helped me get through my 1 yr anniversary of my accident. thanks to quadlist i am reassured that im not alone... thank you... i will be here JT
---- "David K. Kelmer" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: > Hi JT, > > I'm sorry that this feedback is getting to you so late. First, let me > welcome you to the Quad-List. As Lori says you've already received some good > responses so I'll just add mine to them. > > Every SCI case is different, just as every person is different, but one thing > most of us will agree on is that the first couple of years after a SCI are > the hardest. It may not be that life gets better but you'll learn to deal > with life in a better way. > > I was white-water rafting on the Upper Salt River in '76 when I broke my neck > at C4-5. I was 22 and had been married for 5 years. We had two sons, 5 & 2 > 1/2, and I was managing the second largest car-wash in Phoenix (Freeway Car > Wash, Black Canyon Highway & Camelback Rd.) at the time. Part of my pay > package was an insurance policy on me and my family, but the place had been > sold to a new man in Jan. of '76, and he had changed insurance carriers, and > to save money the new policy went into effect on May 01 and the old policy > expired April 15. I should have been on top of that but I was running the > place, keeping the books straight, and doing all of the hiring & firing, and > that little gap of two weeks went unnoticed until I broke my neck April 25! > Well, the old company felt real bad but they couldn't do anything to help, > and the new company's policy hadn't taken effect yet so they felt real bad > but they couldn't help, either. Life sure has a sense of humor! > > I did my rehab at Good Sam, and took the ACT and with the help of VR I > started taking classes at GCC. I was taking the PT's advice and was pushing > myself around campus in a manual chair. I made the Dean's List the first > semester and was on my face most of the time letting my bottom heal through > the next semester. I went back the next semester and made the Dean's List > again, and spent the next 6 months letting the flap surgery I had to have > done on my bottom heal. With all of that time to think about my priorities > my wife and I decided that it would be better if she went to work and I > stayed home with the boys. > > By this time life was starting to seem ''normal'' and things were looking > better. I was staying out of the hospital, had taken a position on the PTA > Board at my boys school, and my wife was working days. Life seemed like it > would be okay but going in a new direction. I took over running our home, > getting the boys through school, and keeping my wife involved, etc. > > Now, I know everyone is different, so by when I noticed that my wife was > having trouble sleeping and showing other signs of depression we sat down and > had a good long talk. After talking with a councilor we were able to see > that my wife felt like she wasn't contributing to our family, and that > because we had married young she felt that there wasn't anything that she > could look at and get the satisfaction that she'd accomplished that on her > own. She felt like her dad had taken care of her until we married and I had > taken care of her since then. I knew she was an equal partner in everything > we had, but knowing something and changing the way someone feels are very > different things. > > We discussed different ideas but I could tell that if things continued the > way they were going that in a year, maybe two, what she was feeling as > dissatisfaction would turn to anger, and eventually hate, and it would be > directed toward me. So, in early '85 we came up with a plan that while I > knew would be hard on me and our boys in the short run, would be the best > thing for us all in the long run. We decided that we would sell our home and > she and our boys would move back to central MI where she grew-up and get a > place that she felt was her own. I moved back to Lincoln Park, a suburb of > Detroit. I would be far enough away so she would feel that she was going it > alone, but close enough that my boys could come to visit when we needed to > see each other. The plan was for her to take two years and if she didn't > think she had made the right decision we'd get back together and go on from > there. > > By late '86 she had succeeded in creating a new home and life that she felt > she could call her own. The boys had adjusted to the changes and I decided > that she would be okay on her own, so I made the decision to move back to AZ > where the weather was better suited for me. The boys would stay with Mom and > spend the summers with me. I had an Uncle that lived in Arlington, TX that > asked me if I wanted to spend a few weeks with them before going on to AZ. I > agreed and was staying with them for the start of the New Year, 1987. > My Aunt & Uncle both worked days but I had planned everything I would need to > have each day so that I could live on my own, so it was a great 'test run' > for when I moved on. My Uncle took me to see all of the 'tourist' sights > around the Dallas area, and I had some very close friends that were living in > Wichita Falls and I called them and made arrangements to visit them. When I > got here I found a friendly small city that had everything that I needed > medically and so I decided to move here instead of going on to AZ. With the > help of my Aunt & Uncle and my friends I rented a place and made a new start. > > > Leaving my family behind was hard but I have never regretted that decision. > My boys loved spending summers with me, and when my youngest son graduated > from high-school he moved down here to live with me. He has gone on in > school and is now a Police Officer in Iowa Park, a small town about 7 miles > from WF. He married our pastor's daughter and has two daughters. My oldest > son went to work for White, Inc., married a girl from MI. and they have a son > and a daughter. His wife has a brother that lives in TX so they are able to > visit me and then go see her brother, too. My wife and I remained close > emotionally and continued to work together to raise our boys. With her > untimely death in '98 her spirit has continued on in the lives of our sons > and our grandchildren. I know that in her heart she passed on knowing she > had succeeded in her life on her own merits. > > I'm 52 years old, am in good health, and workout 6 days a week first thing > each morning. I watch my granddaughters as often as I am able, and enjoy > each day of my life. In the Spring of '87 my sister moved here and in mid > '87 my mother moved here, too. My brother moved here in '88 and married a > lady from OK and has a 13 year old girl. My sister is married now and lives > in AR with her husband and son. > > I've worked on different things over the years and volunteer time to help > with my church, local politics, and also help with peer counseling on a > couple of spinal cord injury-Yahoo Groups. I am a 'Founding Member of the > National Campaign for Tolerance', an organization co-chaired by Morris Dees & > Rosa Parks through the Southern Poverty Law Center, and I am active in the > area of teaching tolerance with the Tolerance.org Program. On Oct. 23 in > Montgomery, AL, the Civil Rights Memorial Center & Wall of Tolerance will be > dedicated. My name will appear on 'The Wall of Tolerance' during the > celebration of the 40th Anniversary of the speech by Dr. Martin Luther King, > Jr at the Selma-to-Montgomery Voting Rights March and the 50th Anniversary of > the arrest of Rosa Parks setting up a boycott that started the Civil Rights > Movement. > > I hope you stay with the Quad-List and find answers to the questions that we > here have asked ourselves at some point. > > With Love, > > CtrlAltDel aka Dave > C4/5 Complete - 29 Years Post > Texas, USA > > > Lori Michaelson <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: > > Hey another New Yorker! > > You have gotten a couple good responses from the quad list. > > Things get better, then like all people, trials & tribulations happen and > things may get bad > again. I'm going through a perrsonal hell right now getting home care. > > But like Stephen King wrote in The Shawshank Redemption -- "Get busy livin' > or get busy Dyin'" > > Write anytime > > Lori Michaelson > C4/5 complete quad, 25 years post > Tucson, AZ > > > -------Original Message------- > > From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] > Date: 07/28/05 14:48:01 > To: quad list > Subject: [QUAD-L] LOOKING FOR FEEDBACK... > > > Dear Quad-list, > My life has been filled with its biggest challenges in the past year. > August 2, 2004 I had a life-changing diving accident that left me paralyzed > from my chest down. I'm considered a quadriplegic because I have a little > inervasion in my triceps and wrist flexors and I don't have any independent > movement of my fingers. > I was a 31-year-old, married, father of two, a successful chef, and a > modern man of the house. After my accident, it was unclear what I would be > able to do. The doctors made no promises, but I was told that my injury is > considered incomplete, which means there's a chance to regain at least some > movement and sensation. > > I spent a total of 115 days away from home. Most of that time was spent in > rehab learning how to do such simple things as feed myself, bathe myself, sit > up, and how to use what movement I have to be as independent as I can. > While I was away from home, the community rallied in support. There were > several fundraisers, all aimed at renovating my house for me and my > wheelchair. There were many volunteers, friends, family, and complete > strangers that donated money, time, prayers, or just generous words of > support. > > Every day I looked forward to coming home. I would speak with my wife > every evening, and she would come to visit almost every weekend. Even though > it was a little rocky, I always thought we would make it work. We'd been > together for over 10 years, married for almost six. I always thought we were > soul-mates and would grow old together. We are now facing separation. I > guess no one knows what they would do if their spouse became permanently > handicapped. > How do you know if you're not in the situation? > > Lots of people have told me that life goes on, you can do anything you > could before, just a little different. I heard many success stories of people > who went on to have successful careers, marriages, and families after a > spinal cord injury. > I was especially very positive in the beginning, when I had the support of > therapists and specialists. My positive attitude faded when I came home, I > became very depressed. I stopped exercising except for physical therapy, and > began self-medicating. I was very frustrated with the things I used to be > able to do at home. > There was a" friend" who had been staying at my house for several months > who was helping my wife with many of the things I used to do around the > house. I was only home for two weeks before they became intimate. > > The Monday after New Year's she told me she wanted to move out, a week > later she told me what had happened and had been going on for a month. I > thought I could share her. It was only a matter of months before I snapped. > She has left me the house, and acquired an apartment down the street for her > and the kids, so they can come and visit often. > I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for a couple of close > friends who have moved into my house to help me. > > How do I move on? I believe I have a lot to offer, I used to think we would > be together forever, now I'm craving companionship, intimacy, and someone to > be close to. > > I am grateful for any advice and or feedback, > Truly yours, Paralyzed and Confused in the Adirondacks > > > JT... 32 YO... C6... ALMOST 1 YR POST > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
