My three wives
Joe Darger ("Salon," April 13, 2013)
Lately, the debate about gay marriage has led to many conversations about
what makes a marriage and who can have one. It’s an interesting question for
me because I’m married to three women. I’ve written a book about our
family, and my wives have appeared on “Oprah.” We weren’t always this open;
for years we lived in secrecy and shame – afraid that people would find out,
afraid of losing jobs and friendships. But we grew tired of the silence,
and it became our mission to help people understand our way of life. Recent
stories have wondered if the acceptance of gay marriage could lead to a
better understanding of polygamy. I don’t know the answer – but I certainly
hope so.
Plural marriage, as we call it, has always been a part of my life. From an
early age, I understood my family was part of a peculiar group trying to
live according to old Mormon ways. Both my grandfathers went to prison for
polygamy, and I grew up hearing stories of their sacrifice for the “Principle.
” We lived in a middle-class area of Salt Lake City, where most of our
neighbors were mainstream Mormons (the church banned polygamy more than 100
years ago), and church representatives would show up and try to convert my
father. All he had to say was “polygamy,” and they were gone.
At the time, my dad only had one wife, but everyone knew we were different
because we didn’t attend Sunday services at the local LDS Church. When I
was 13, my dad took a second wife — and I really started to feel like an
alien. Some neighbors refused to let their children come to our house or play
with us. In time, we were no longer welcomed at church functions. I entered
junior high scared that my friends would find out. I was always ready for a
fight to protect myself from rude comments.
On the rare occasions someone saw my other mom, she was my “aunt.” I never
invited friends over or talked about my family until I was sure I could
trust them. I figured if I stayed cool enough and popular enough, I could
keep the secret hidden. In high school, I was captain of the football team and
wrestled on the varsity team. I still wasn’t sure I wanted a plural
marriage, though. I wasn’t convinced it was right for me.
During the summer of 1987, I noticed two girls always hanging around
together. Vicki and Alina were cousins, raised in plural families, and they
often “happened” to show up at my family gatherings. It became clear that both
of them were interested in me. Rather than compete for my attention, they
joined forces and pursued me as a team. When I realized they were willing to
date me at the same time, with the possibility of a plural marriage, I was
scared. I had college in front of me. I knew how difficult it could be to
court two women at once.
Even in our culture, it was unusual. Men would usually marry one wife,
establish a family, and prove themselves before they married a second. I was
overwhelmed dealing with the inevitable jealousy and complexities of starting
out such a relationship. In addition, we worried about the legal
ramifications of making such a step: who to make the legal wife and how to
perform
the marriage and who to announce it to. What about the jealousy issues? What
about the legal ramifications? I prayed for guidance. Ultimately, I knew I
would not be happy unless I lived according to my conscience and pursued
what I felt to be God’s highest commandments. It would be a challenge, but
Vicki, Alina and I were ready for it. We dated for two years, building trust
and trying to figure it all out.
Ultimately I fell in love with both of them. I knew I could never choose
between them. I loved them each deeply. As consenting adults, we made a
choice to start a family together. In 1990, I legally married Alina. I also
married Vicki that same day in a religious ceremony that was not recognized by
the state. Ten years later, at the urging of Alina and Vicki, I married
Vicki’s twin sister Valerie as a third wife.
In the past five years, shows like “Big Love” and “Sister Wives” have
helped to humanize relationships like ours. Those shows could have been cheap
and exploitative, but they manage to dig into the nuance of the
relationships and illustrate how the marriage is about much more than sex,
power and
control. It’s about family, and ours is complex, each wife bringing her own
personality to the dynamic. Vicki is analytical and deliberate. She likes
creative dates and needs plenty of quality one-on-one time with me. She’s
also the peacemaker. Alina comes from a boisterous family and is
strong-willed and assertive. For her, nothing expresses more love than acts of
service,
such as when I take over her Sunday breakfast duties when she isn’t
feeling well or replace a broken fan in her room without being asked. She is
funny, and gets along great with the teens. Val is a great listener. She wants
affirmation of my love through physical touch, holding hands, hugs and
kisses. I would also add that Val is patient and nurturing in her
relationships. Among us, we have 24 children. It’s a big love, all right.
But those two shows also capture the fears and challenges faced by plural
families: the need for constant hiding, the fear of repercussions at our
jobs and from the authorities – all of which we have experienced, too. I
worked at a building supply company where I did well, becoming one of the
youngest managers in the company to run my own store. But I once lost a
lucrative
contract because a competitor “outed me.” I was asked to leave a
volunteer organization I loved when they discovered my background; it was
heartbreaking to be cut loose like that. As a little league coach, my team
made it
to the championship game year after year. When a new coaching position
opened up, I was a front contender. But then came the call: There had been a
controversy because of my religious practice. The job would be given to
another.
The final straw came in 2001. My 5-month-old daughter Kyra had died at
home. An autopsy would reveal she had a heart defect. The state began a
routine
investigation. But as the investigation dragged on, we became aware that
our polygamous family name brought us into suspicion. Did they think we were
religious extremists? Or that we neglected her medical care? Alina had a
lot of self doubts, but we knew we were not guilty of anything they were
alleging except polygamy, which we never did admit to them, either.
An investigator from Child Protective Services came to our house and
questioned our children about how they were disciplined, if they felt safe at
home and if they ever went to the doctor. Our children are happy and
well-adjusted; they play sports and take music lessons, just like other
children,
and it was unthinkable that we would do anything to harm any of them. It
took three agonizing months for child services to close the case.
I was angry and vowed to do everything in my power to save other plural
families from going through that pain. Kyra’s death would not be in vain.
I could see that fear and ignorance were the enemy. So I began to meet with
state agencies to help them understand what plural families really were
like. I joined a non-profit advocacy group called Utah Children. That led to
an invitation to serve on Utah Children’s Polygamy Study Group
subcommittee. I also visited editorial boards of several Utah newspapers to
convince
them to stop painting polygamists with a broad brush. All my life, my motto
had been “neither confirm nor deny.” It felt good to be open. My wives and
I continued to work behind the scenes — educating social workers, state
agencies and police officers about our culture and moving toward
decriminalization of polygamy. We were making good progress.
Then, in 2006, Warren Jeffs, the leader of the FLDS church that practices
polygamy, was placed on the FBI’s “Ten Most Wanted” list. I watched with
abhorrence as his brand of forced religion – his child brides and abuse –
came to define my faith and my family.
I knew we needed to give our own side of the story, but legal threats
loomed. Vicki, Alina and Valerie agreed to interviews on “Larry King Live” and
“
Oprah” using aliases, but I stayed in the shadows. Simply purporting to be
married to Vicki and Valerie is a third-degree felony in Utah. It’s more
serious in state code than an assault, lewdness involving a child, negligent
homicide, DUI with injury and theft — all of which are class-A
misdemeanors.
Living with the constant threat of prosecution has created terrible
isolation and fear in polygamous communities. I believe that fear of
government
allowed someone like Jeffs to use the law as a tool to manipulate others into
silence.
Eventually, I’d had enough. In the fall of 2011, we published a book, “
Love Times Three: Our True Story of a Polygamous Marriage.” There was no going
back. The story of my three wives and 24 children was public information.
That moment was both terrifying and liberating. I could not control what
people thought of me, but I no longer could allow fear to dictate how I
behaved. I could declare my true self without hiding. It was a revelation.
And now, the gay marriage debate has turned the spotlight back on us. It’s
been fascinating to watch both sides strike out against polygamy. Some
conservatives argue against gay marriage because it could be a “slippery slope”
to polygamy — therefore abandoning their platform of limited government
and calling for yet another law of government intervention. On the opposite
side of the aisle, many liberals call for acceptance of gay marriage but
claim that polygamy cannot be good for women and their rights, therefore it
should remain illegal — thus abandoning their belief in a woman’s right to
choose.
As for me, I just don’t want anyone telling me who I can or cannot love.
Nor do I want to dictate that for someone else. Perhaps injecting government
into the business of marriage is what is wrong in the first place. That is
why I won’t be petitioning them for a marriage license, but I will continue
to petition them for decriminalization, my freedoms and full rights as a
citizen.
I respect any consenting adult’s right to marry whomever they want. Can you
ever respect mine?
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