[RC] Painful Truths Epilogue

[BILROJ via Centroids: The Center of the Radical Centrist Community]

  
  
  

  

Epilogue:
 
Who is that woman who used to be my mother?
.
.
The aftermath of mother's death, the realization that she had been utterly 
hypocritical toward me for the last five or more years of her life,  that 
virtually everything she said to me in all that time was a lie, 
taught me a lesson.  
.
One effect of the realization has been my intention to destroy as  much
about her still in my life as possible. I have already thrown out  various
items that she passed down to me  -things to set up housekeeping
in Eugene, for instance, or related items. Obviously there is only so far 
this process can go, and this excludes items from many years ago, from  when
she was a different person, but the effect is what matters. Divesting  
myself 
of her memory any way that I can provides some catharsis, a measure 
of psychological relief.  I don't want even one string that attaches  
myself 
to her memory. Although that isn't possible it is satisfying that there are 
less than before.
.
I do not want any reminders of her in my life, particularly anything  that
recalls the years since 2008. She became a woman that I never knew,
a woman who used to be my mother.
.
What is also satisfying, not quite the right word but it will suffice, are  
the
memories that I have of defying her at times in those five years.
None of the other siblings have anything comparable to  remember; they
went along with mother's irrational demands again and again, except  for
Ramona, of course, but she wasn't part of the family by then.
.
Regrets I had at the time of mother's funeral have  vanished; that is also
a relief. I didn't visit her in the hospital during her last days alive,  
there were
reasons for that, but it was something that disturbed me. Now I am  thankful
I never went. For what? To have seen a dying old woman who had lied
to my face repeatedly ever since 2008? In what way would that have  been
an edifying experience?
.
Of course I didn't know about the provisions of her will until later,
but had I known, what would have been my reaction? Not too different
than what it sometimes was. She had lost my respect on the merits
long before July 2015.
.
Take Christmas Eve, 2014. We were at the Presbyterian church  near
downtown Eugene. In past years mother, Robert, and myself attended
services there that special day of the year, something mother liked
because of the pageantry and the handbell choir. 2014 would prove
to be very different.
.
 
 
I've forgotten exactly how this came about but both Bob and myself
were talking to mother about Arlene's church, a place where mother
and Robert sometimes attended, because of Arlene. We had visited
Arlene's church on Christmas eve the year before, in fact. In 2014 
it seemed to both Robert and myself that we should have gone there 
again, if for no other reason to show appreciation for the many kindnesses 
that Arlene had given to mother.
.
I had been uneasy that we were not there and wanted to express an opinion 
for mother to think about. I said that Arlene really cares about her  and 
deserves some appreciation. At that mother turned to me and said words 
to the effect:  "No she doesn't, I'm her mark, her  patsy, and she thinks 
that she will convert me;  I don't need to be at her  church."
 
When mother finished her rant, I got up and walked out  and  walked
the two miles home in the cold. I was utterly outraged.  I did  not
say anything to mother  -or Bob-   I simply walked  out.

.
By early March things had somehow been patched up; we were  talking
again anyway. Maybe events could move in a positive direction once  more.
At that time, however, I asked if I could go with mother and Robert
to Arlene's church. I had attended with them previously on a few  occasions.
This was arranged and the two of them arrived at my apartment. But mother, 
for whatever reason, was not happy. As we drove toward the church  she said
in a tone of voice that can only be described as harsh: "This is the last 
time 
we are taking you to church, this is the end of it."
.
So much for mother's professed interest in Christian faith, which she  had
made comments about not long before. She might even continue to make 
such remarks, of course,  but clearly she didn't actually believe one  
word. 
At a minimum she did not understand one word. Christ meant  nothing to her;
or as someone famous once said, "hypocrisy is the tribute that vice pays 
to virtue."  Mother's Christian interest was pure sham.
.
She had been reading the Bible; Arlene had given her a copy and it  was
something mother did look at now and then; she even asked  me a question
about it once. I was favorably disposed to Arlene's efforts to  convince
mother that faith in Jesus would be in her very best interests. Not  because
I believed everything Arlene did, which was not the case, but  because 
I believed in some of what she did, and knew that mostly, without any  
question, 
her kind of faith was for the Good; it could change lives  for the better. 
Sometimes it could transform lives.
.
In all honesty my opinion was that Arlene, on the subject of religion,  
would
get nowhere with mother. But it was worth a try and, regardless of the  
outcome,
Arlene was a friend to mother through many troubling days, sometimes  
visiting
three or four times a week. Arlene provided help to mother when mother  was 
having health problems, when she was sad, and when she most needed 
companionship. Arlene's granddaughter also might visit and the girl also 
brought cheer to the house and fresh spirit.
.
In my view this was a blessing. Any committed Christian has a  
responsibility
to try and win souls for Christ. But any committed Christian knows  that
this may not happen, indeed, it is unusual when it does, but they  also
know that Jesus expects them to be friends to others, to help others
who are in need, regardless of whether they become believers. This  was
exactly the worldview that Arlene incarnated. She is a wonderful  woman.
.
One thing I wondered  -after the fact, when mother was already  gone-
was whether mother had ever read the Book of  Romans in the New  Testament.
By common consent among scholars and every other Christian, this is  the
most important text that the Apostle Paul wrote. In effect it is the fifth  
gospel.
It is central to Christian faith.
.
The first chapter of Romans, verses 18 through 32, are vital to any kind 
of Christian morality, they are crucial and everyone knows it.
.
This pericope (series of related verses) starts out with a traditional  
statement
of judgment. This is a reminder about the nature of the Almighty; some  
things
simply are intolerable and cannot be allowed:
.
"For we see divine retribution revealed from heaven is and falling upon 
all the godless wickedness of men. In their wickedness they are stifling  
the truth."
.
In what follows you may or may not share the beliefs of Christians but it  
is
important to understand these beliefs if you wish to talk with them,  to 
have 
a basis for conversation. And here it is, the essential Christian  statement
on the subject of homosexuality, completely uncompromising:
 
"For all that may be known of God by men lies plain before their eyes; 
indeed God himself has disclosed it to them. His invisible attributes, 
that is to say his everlasting power and deity, have been visible, ever  
since 
the world began, to the eye of reason, in the things he has made. There is 
therefore no possible defence for their conduct;  knowing God, they  have 
refused to honour him as God, or to render him thanks. Hence all their  
thinking 
has ended in futility, and their misguided minds are plunged in  darkness.
They boast of their wisdom, but they have made fools of  themselves..."
.
What follows next is a passage in which Paul refers to forms of  idolatry,
which, needless to say, all Christians reject. In the context of the first  
century AD,
the immediate post-Augustan era, this kind of worship was nearly  universal.
And, said the Apostle, it has to end because it poisons minds. About  which
while early Christians made major exceptions for "virtuous Pagans"  like
Cicero and Plutarch,  Paul's statement is certainly more true  than not.
.
We can even make an argument for him that he did not make, simply by using 
the things he said  not only as he did, as a description of  consequences 
of idolatry, but also as a description of totally unacceptable conduct 
whether it is indulged in by idolaters or Atheists or anyone else. Which is 
clearly is something implicit in everything Paul said. There is  no 
possibility 
of denying the implications  -except for Left-wingers who distort the  
meaning 
of the Bible every chance they get. As the passage  continues:
 
..."God has given them up to shameful passions. Their women have 
exchanged natural intercourse for unnatural,  and their men in turn, 
giving up natural relations with women, burn with lust for one  another; 
males behave indecently with males, and are paid in their own persons 
the fitting wage of such perversion."
.
"Thus, because they have not seen fit to  acknowledge God, he has 
given them up to their own depraved reason. This leads them to break 
all rules of conduct.  They are filled with every kind of injustice,  
mischief, 
rapacity, and malice; they are one mass of envy, murder, rivalry,  
treachery, 
and malevolence; whisperers  and scandal-mongers,  hateful to God, 
insolent, 
arrogant, and boastful; they invent new kinds of mischief, they show no  
loyalty
to parents, no conscience, no fidelity to their plighted  word; they are 
without 
natural affection and without pity.  They know well enough the just  decree 
of God, that those who behave like this deserve to die, and yet they do it; 
not only so, they actually applaud such practices."
.
This is the material that Barack Obama once referred to as an "obscure"  
verse
in the Bible, essentially something we can disregard because it is so  
unimportant
in Christian faith. 
.
Obscure to whom?  A fake Christian who knows more about Islam  
(which is highly selective) than he does about the Bible (which is
almost nothing) ?

.
.
What would mother have said if these things had been pointed out
to her? Unfortunately we will never know.
.
My feeling had been that, given mother's (until then) capacity to bounce  
back
after every medical setback, there would be time to talk with her about  
this
passage, especially if she continued to study the Bible and referred to  it
in conversation. And I certainly had reason for thinking she would  be
alive longer than she was because of her deceptiveness. Her lying 
about her health misled me considerably
.
I also had the view that, in the course of time, there was no way  that
mother would not come across this material entirely on her own; after all,
it is central to Christian faith, it is prominent in the New  Testament,
and, really, it can't be missed. But the clock ran out.
.
Whether or not you are a Christian, the passage also has the virtue that  it
provides an accurate description of commonplace homosexual values
and behavior. Any kind of objective reading of  the literature of  
homosexuality
brings you into contact with this kind of thing, whether this is to  discuss
psychoanalytic studies or  -if not especially-  "hard  core" homosexual
texts themselves. Homosexuals do, in fact, often boast of their  nihilistic
values and amorality;  books like Rechy's , and there  are many more,
can be taken as a confirmation ten times over of everything Paul was  
saying.
Plus there are all those parades and "festivals" where homosexual  conduct
is flaunted before the public, conduct that also reflects, sometimes  1:1,
exactly what Romans said.
.
In any case, even to discuss less extreme forms of homosexual  perversion, 
we are talking about a psychopathology. And mother, in her infinite  
"wisdom" 
was defending psychopatholgy, mental illness, complete human  depravity.
.
The point is not only that I would like to forget all such episodes  as her
cynical comments about Arlene on December 24,  and her spiteful  refusal
to help me get to church the following March,  but that I missed  the
opportunity to try and enlighten her to the facts, to the uncompromising 
truth, while she was still alive. 
.
Never again. 
.
It is far too late to do anything about mother, but there is time
to speak my mind to others in my family, as well as others with whom
I communicate on the basis of friendship or shared professional  interests.
And I want everyone to know that, at the first opportunity, my  intention
is to  fight  a war to the death against the social values and  worldview
of the news media, the entertainment industry, and the political  
establishment.
Included is also an organization that deserves to be demolished and  its
current membership totally discredited, the American Psychiatric 
Association,
an organization that has abdicated its responsibility to the psychology 
profession, to science, and to the American public.
.
We are due for a massive revolution in values in America, not by way
of return to Evangelical history,  but by creating a new kind of  culture
in which the moral monstrosities that have arisen in the past few decades 
become forever  impossible  -even if this takes organizing a  brand new 
religion 
from the ground up to do it.  Nothing "blue nose"  about it, but  moral 
nonetheless, and outspokenly moral. Nihilistic values have no place in 
civilized society.  Even if, at the same time, closed-mindedness has  no 
place, 
either, or anti-science values, or dogmatism as it has been known  
generally.
.
But such issues are for another time than this essay. They are  mentioned
here because many problems that arise in modern society are made 
much worse because of  the moral collapse of American society.
Some of mother's sick values would have been difficult if not
impossible for her to maintain except for the moral anarchy
of contemporary America.
.
That is completely unacceptable.
.
..

 
There will always be two women who were my mother, first, going 
back in time, but still alive as recently as the early 2000s, was the  woman
who cared about my  life. That was the woman I wept for at the  funeral.
.
The other woman was a gross hypocrite, selfish about almost  everything,
who destroyed Robert's life and humiliated him in death, a crabbed old  lady
who was out of touch with reality, unethical in many, many ways, 
cynical like few other people I have ever known, capable of incredibly 
stupid actions, in so many words repulsive to even think about.
.
And I really don't know how I am  supposed to live with all of  this.
 
 




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