-----***X***----- What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A chain saw has a dynamic range. How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb? Five: One to change it and four to complain that it's electric. Can a banjo player change a light bulb? No, but hum a few bars and he'll fake it. How can you tell if the stage is level? When the banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth. Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players? It saves time in the long run. How is playing the banjo a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded? You don't have to be very good to get people's attention. Why do so many fishermen own banjos? They make great spare paddles! Why did the banjo player leave his capo on the dashboard? So he could park in the handicap zone. Listener: "Can you read music?" Banjo player: "Not enough to hurt my playing." A man with a crocodile on a leash walked into a juice bar and asked the barman, "Do you serve banjo players here?" "Sure do," replied the barman. "Good," said the man, "Give me a smoothie, and I'll have a banjo player for my crocodile." Strummin' on the ole... An old man on his death bed called the whole family together so he could bid them farewell and make peace with the world. After he said what he wanted to each in turn, he knew he was very close to death and called for all to gather around. "I have one thing I would like to confess before I go," he said. They all drew closer. "It was me," cough, wheeze, "I was the one," he said as they leaned down as close as they could to hear what he could barely get out in a whisper. Gasp, cough, "I was the one," cough, wheeze, "in the kitchen with Dinah..." During a gig banjo players spend half the time tuning the banjo and the other half playing out of tune. Why do they bury banjo players 20 feet deep? Because they really are good people deep down. What is the difference between a terrorist and a banjo player? Terrorists have sympathisers. A man decides to take a vacation from his job and travel somewhere exotic. So he books a trip to a small, essentially untouched Pacific island where the native culture is virtually intact. He has great expectations for the trip; he really needs a break. He sets sail on his chartered ship to the island paradise. As the boat is approaching the island, he hears the sound of drums. "How quaint," he thinks, "the natives are engaging in some ancient ritual with drums." He arrives at the island and gets something to eat. All this time the drums are going. Well, after a few hours, he begins to wonder when the drums are going to stop. He asks a native why the drums are going on so long. The native runs away screaming with a terrified look on his face. Thinking he has probably disturbed the sanctity of the native ritual by asking an intrusive question, the man decides to just forget about the drums and enjoy his vacation. But after two days of continuous drums, it's really beginning to bother him so he asks another native, "When are the drums going to stop?" The native just looks at him, so he asks "Why are the drums going on so long?" Like the first one, this native runs away screaming. After another two days, the man has had it with drums. He grabs the first native he sees by the neck and demands he make the drums stop. The native replies "I would rather die than be the one who stops the drums." The man asks him why. Slowly the native answers..."Because when the drums finish, the banjo solo starts." Quotes... "There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner." "Any requests?" "How about 'Softly as I leave you'?" "What key?" "You won't need a key... just ring the doorbell when you get back from the pawnshop." "You're just jealous because showbiz is in my blood." "Right now I'm just concerned that when I smash that banjo over your head, I won't be able to get the showbiz stains out of the carpet." "This machine surrounds hate and forces it to surrender" (Pete Seeger) "I could tell straight away he was a banjo player. He had that cool 'banjo players walk' hunched over from carrying that heavy thing around all day." "If you keep pickin' that, it'll never heal." How many banjo jokes are there? Only two or three, the rest are true stories. How do you keep a banjo player from drowning in 12 inches of water? Take your foot off his head. Banjo players beware! I hear that some jazz festivals are starting to employ the Banjo Police. They issue banjo speeding tickets. What is the definition of a minor second? Two banjo players playing the same note. A band playing at a jazz festival gets arrested for playing too sleazy. The judge sentences the band members to death. At dawn the next morning they are lined up against a wall facing the firing squad. "Ready, Aim, ..." "Earthquake!" yells the trumpet player which distracts the guards long enough so he can jump over the wall to freedom. "Ready, Aim, ..." "Flood!" yells the bass player who jumps over the wall to freedom. ...The banjo player is now starting to catch on. "Ready, Aim, ..." "Fire" yells the banjo player. Why do they let banjo players play in pizza parlours? Because pizza is the only food you can taste over the noise. What is the range of a banjo? About 10 metres if you throw it hard enough. Bumper sticker... "Old banjo players never die, they just stop resonating" A guy goes through customs with a banjo case. The inspector nervously asks the man to set the case on the table. Sweating, the inspector uses a long pole to slowly open the case. He gives a sigh of relief when he finds a machine gun and miscellaneous explosives. "OK, pass. For a minute there I thought you had a banjo." Pointers to playing the banjo... The most common mistake of the beginning banjo player is to play too gently. True, musical instruments require great care and special handling, but banjos should not be confused with those. A dignified stage presence will do more than anything else to create the impression you are a serious, professional musician. This is to be avoided at all costs - you have a reputation to maintain after all! While playing on stage, you should (1) slouch, (2) drool, (3) pick nose, (4) bump the bass player with the banjo neck, (5) cross eyes, (6) spill beer, (7) stare off into space. The more of these you can do simultaneously, the better. Musicians make a big deal about "getting in tune." Fortunately, you're a banjo player, and therefore need not be so hung up. There are three basic ways to tune a banjo: (1) With a tuning fork. Tap the fork on a hard surface. Listen to the clear bell-like tone. Make sure none of your strings duplicate this tone. (2) With an electronic tuner. Tap the tuner on a hard surface. Continue as for (1). (3) With a clarinet. Tap the clarinet on a hard surface. Continue as for (1). Playing with musicians is always scary for the beginning banjo player. You should not be intimidated, though, because musicians like to have a banjo player around. Even the most mediocre group of musicians will sound great by contrast. So get in there! Banjo paraphernalia: A capo allows the banjo player, once out of tune in one key, to quickly be out of tune in any other key. A case is important since not only does it give you somewhere to put all your festival stickers, it protects your banjo from abuse, except when it is being played. A strap is a definite no no - you might be expected to play standing up. -- ..................................................................... [EMAIL PROTECTED] - "Royal Rangers... A Lifetime Adventure!" :::::::: Duane Wheeler * Portland,Oregon * Jesus is Lord!:::::::::::: -=A No.1=- FCF Charter Youngbuck July 8th 1966 1st *call-out ...................................................................... _______ From Duane Wheeler <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> via RangerNet To unsubscribe, send "unsubscribe rangernet" to [EMAIL PROTECTED] To join a lower volume list with some of the best posts to RangerNet, send "subscribe rrgold" to [EMAIL PROTECTED] Autoresponder: [EMAIL PROTECTED] Web site: http://rangernet.org _______ To unsubscribe, send "unsubscribe rangernet" to [EMAIL PROTECTED] "Eat the hay & spit out the sticks!" RTKB&G4JC! Autoresponder: [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://rangernet.org
