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Two Forks
> The Dangers of Bread
>
> A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "SMELL OF BAKED BREAD MAY BE
> HEALTH HAZARD." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of
> baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of
> this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).
> I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced
> global warming?
>
> Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make
> anyone think twice .....
> 1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
> 2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
> score below average on standardized tests.
> 3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the
> average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were
> unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as
> typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
> 4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of
> eating bread.
> 5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as
> little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average
> American eats more bread than that in one month!
> 6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of
> cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's Disease and osteoporosis.
> 7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and
> given only water to eat, actually begged for bread after only two days.
> 8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to harder items
> such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.
> 9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than
> 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being
> taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey
> bread-pudding person.
> 10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.
> 11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That
> kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
> 12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
> significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
>
> In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread
> restrictions:
> 1: No sale of bread to minors.
> 2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
> 3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills
> we might associate with bread.
> 4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to
> children) may be used to promote bread usage.
> 5: A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers. Please pass
> this message on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.
> Remember: Think globally, act idiotically.
>
> In His Service,
> Allen R. Cook - Cookie
> Royal Rangers Senior Commander
> Belton A/G -- Belton, Missouri
>
> e-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
> web page: http:\\www.sound.net\~pabonim\index.htm
>
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