> Dec 25 > My dearest darling Edward, > What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, > in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic > present! Bless you, and thank you. > Your deeply loving, > Emily > > Dec. 26 > > Beloved Edward, > The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the > pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful! > With undying love, as always, > Emily > > > Dec. 27 > > My darling Edward, > You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of > sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way > from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find > some. Anyway, thankyou so much; they're lovely. > Your devoted, Emily > > > Dec. 28 > > Dearest Edward, > What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very > sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost > impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their > new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am. > Love from Emily > > > Dec. 29 > > Dearest Edward, > The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for > each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a > way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that > arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us > got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to > "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she's > only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings. > Bless you, > Emily > > > > Dec. 30 > > Dear Edward, > Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this > morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over > the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me > birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet > lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we? > Love, > Emily > > > > Dec. 31 > > Edward, > I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no > more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd > rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems > to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so > pease, please, stop! > Your Emily > > > > Jan 1 > > Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? > And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't > find it very amusing. > Emily > > > > Jan. 2 > > Look here, Edward, > This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies > dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're > certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a > regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, > cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If > you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this > ridiculous behavior at once! > Emily > > > > Jan 3 > > As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down > all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans > and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are > taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the > neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you > again. > Emily > > > > Jan 4 > > This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place > has now become something between a menagerie and a > madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit > for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last > outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an > ambulance to a home for the bewildered. I hope you're satisfied. > > > > Jan. 5 > Sir, > > Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to > inform you that with the arrival on her premises at > 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section > of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of > their friends, she has no course left open to her > but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning > her further. I am making arrangements for the return > of much assorted livestock. > > I am, Sir, yours faithfully, > > G. Creep > Attorney at law Delma
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