"Grass"
GOD looks down on earth one day and is concerned about
what He sees. He calls St. Francis and the following
conversation occurs.
GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature.
What in the world is going on down there? What happened
to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started
eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan.
Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought
and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long
lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and
flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden
of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there,
Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your
flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill
them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful.
It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only
grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures.
Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass
growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great
pains to grow and keep it green. They begin each spring
by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that
crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make
grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites
happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows
a little, they cut it -- sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it
up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they
sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay
to throw it away.
GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize
grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they
cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the
summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up
the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves
them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord.
When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out
hoses and pay more money to water it so they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of
the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if
I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the
spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.
In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a
natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and
protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot,
the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's
a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The
Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon
as the leaves fall, they rake them into great
piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and
tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist
and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they
go out and buy something which they call mulch.
They haul it home and spread it around in place
of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them
up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this
anymore. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts.
What movie have they scheduled for us tonight?"
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a
really stupid movie about.....
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole
story from Francis.
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