This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas,
when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, bBalthazar, and Herb -- went to see the
baby
Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts;
gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an
important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: there is no mention of
wrapping
paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the
gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned
with
pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away,
but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper!
Saveth
it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus
was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first
Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those
gifts
had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting
paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my
opinion,
this is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.
One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a
poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it." The other
is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never
takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which
presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that
looked
like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can
never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards
and put
it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation
volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a
sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a
marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the
lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper,
she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes
wrapping
things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the
batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental
illness.
If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt. My point is
that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more
naturally
to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:
Gift Wrapping Tips for Men:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the
recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim
that it's
myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make
your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in
half
horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch.
They must be smoking crack. If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the
wrapping
paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows
on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the
lucky
recipient on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or
how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year,
is that you save the receipt.
Author Unknown (but definitely male)
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