Subject: Dear Diary
ONE MAN'S STORY...
If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into
a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary:
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife
seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged
me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6 am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at
the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a
Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white
smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the
treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed
it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class
after my workout today - Very inspiring . Belinda was encouraging as I
did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in
the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too
perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this
nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the
treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would
anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy
life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment,
put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could
move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted
me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't
want dents in the floor, don't hand me the "@#$%" barbells or anything
that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I
landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun
--like a root canal or a vasectomy.
--~--~---------~--~----~------------~-------~--~----~
Access the Recipes And More list archives at:
http://www.mail-archive.com/recipesandmore%40googlegroups.com/
Visit the group home page at:
http://groups.google.com/group/RecipesAndMore
-~----------~----~----~----~------~----~------~--~---
