FROM 10 DOWNING STREET
LONDON
ENGLAND
NOTICE REGARDING THE REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the United
States of America and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice
of the revocation of your independence, effective
today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except
Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon.
Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware
that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents.It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It
is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any flack. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there
is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
Russians have never been the bad guys.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It
will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are abysmal and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
__________________________________________________
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