Article: The Long Goodbye that Comes to Soon
Author: Myriam Maytorena, M.Ed.
Word Count: 700
Keywords: Bereavement, end-of-life, death and dying, self-help,
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The Long Goodbye that Comes to Soon
As an end-of-life caregiver you are playing a waiting game. You are
waiting on death but you also fear its arrival. It may seem that the
days and hours seem to just go on and on and there is no end in sight
for your suffering or for the suffering of your beloved charge.
As we live our lives and finally come to the stage where we are
placed into the role of caregiver by circumstances that are normal,
we feel like our lives have moved to quickly. Where is the mother or
father that you used to turn to for comfort and advice? They are
gone and before you is a bed ridden old person that sometimes may
appear to be totally out of his or her mind because of diminished
capacity or illness. Sometimes it makes you wonder why humans choose
to love when leaving can bring such pain.
Death wounds those who survive the passing of a loved one. A hole is
created in the heart that not even the passing of time will take
away. How do we fill the hole so that our wounds do not consume our
attention night and day?
They, and I don't know who they are, say that time heals all wounds.
When one is in a state of grief either before, after or during the
dying process, this does not seem like a possibility. We all have
individual ways to handle this process that is unique to us alone.
Oh, we all have some similarities and that is why support groups work
because we talk to people who have been there and done that. But
support groups are only a way to be able to make it through the days
and weeks and maybe years of healing. We will still be scarred by the
loss that death brings to our psyche.
Anniversaries will come along and cause us to re-feel our loss .A
movie that we once watched together with our loved one will come on
TV.A smell will remind us of our Mother's kitchen. Always reminders
are there and at first they will be reminders of the pain.
We can change our reaction to these reminders by stopping ourselves
and reframing our thinking. We can control what we think if we make
the effort. When a tear comes to your eye remember a smile and the
warm love of the past. Do not focus on what you have lost but instead
focus upon what good that you did have.
Let a picture bring a smile to your heart. Let the times of suffering
fade into the back of your mind and the memories of joy, fun,
pleasure and just living life move in and take up the front of your
mind when you remember a beloved who has passed over.
Until you heal from the wound in your heart, take a few moments every
day to write in your journal a thank you note to your parent for some
special thing that they did for you while you were growing up. And,
then, take a moment to write a note or make a phone call to some one
that you love who is still in your life to thank them for something
special they have done for you now.
The past and the present can walk in harmony. It is up to you to
write your own memory songs and sing them like a gentle lullaby to
your inner child that will always miss a parent who has gone away.
Today, won't you share with us a beautiful memory of the love and the
wonder that made you who you are because of a special parent's gift
to you? You were the miracle of your mother and father – share it
with the world in kindness to self and others. Define you with a
state of grace and love. Join the support group: Life with Mother at
Myriam Maytorena, M.Ed. is a trained counselor and author. Her new
book: Life with Mother: A Journey of Love, Death and Rebirth will be
released in September 2005. To meet Myriam and learn more about
being an end-of-life caregiver go to http://lifewithmother.com
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