Today’s Funnies :=)) = == = = = = = = =
Subject: Mexico Dear President Bush: I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this. I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following: 1. Free medical care for my entire family. 2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not. 3. All government forms need to be printed in English. 4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers. 5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history. 6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down. 7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch. 8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services. 9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws. 10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English. 11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put U.S. flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals. 12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don’t enforce any labor laws or tax laws. 13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy. I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely. However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P. Thank you so much for your kind help. Sincerely, A New Citizen of Mexico! = = = = = = = = = = = http://www.borowitzreport.com Borowitz Town Hall Shocker: BUSH OUTSOURCES TOWN HALL MEETINGS TO INDIA: Questions on Medicare, Iraq Fielded From Bangalore President George W. Bush announced today that he would no longer preside over so-called town hall meetings across the United States and that those duties would now be outsourced to a "presidential customer service representative" stationed in Bangalore, India. The controversial decision to outsource town hall meetings to India was not motivated by the increasingly acrimonious tone of citizens' questions in recent weeks, the president said. "This move is designed to free up my time for other duties, such as wiretapping the American people at random," Mr. Bush said. At a town hall meeting today in Dayton, Ohio, attendees were surprised to be greeted not by the president but instead by a speakerbox onstage leading them through a series of automated prompts. "Say '1' if you want to ask about the economy, say '2' if you want to ask about the war on terror, and say '3' if you want to ask about the prescription drug plan," the speakerbox said. The town hall meeting was then conducted by a disembodied voice who identified himself only as "Rajiv" and attempted to answer the audience's questions on a host of issues. CNN's Lou Dobbs, usually an outspoken critic of outsourcing, said that the president's decision to outsource town hall meetings to India was a rare case when outsourcing works: "For one thing, Rajiv's English is better than his." Elsewhere, a prison guard who used a snarling dog to intimidate prisoners at Abu Ghraib was given a six month sentence, and the snarling dog has been transferred to work for White House press spokesman Scott McClellan. = = = = = = = = = CHENEY INVITES HELEN THOMAS ON HUNTING TRIP: Effort to Reach Out to White House Press Corps, Observers Say http://www.borowitzreport.com In what Washington insiders believe is an attempt to mend fences with an increasingly contentious White House press corps, Vice President Dick Cheney today invited veteran journalist Helen Thomas on a quail-hunting trip to Texas. "I would like to extend an invitation to Helen to join me on a quail-hunting trip to the Armstrong Ranch," Mr. Cheney said in an official statement at the White House. "It will be a chance for the two of us to spend some quality time together." The vice president's invitation took many Beltway observers by surprise, coming as it did only one day after a heated exchange at a White House press conference between Ms. Thomas and President George W. Bush. But Ms. Thomas, never one to shrink from an opportunity, said today that she would be glad to join the vice president quail hunting in Texas so long as the Pentagon provided body armor for her first. At the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that he was taking Ms. Thomas' request for body armor "very seriously" but warned that the Pentagon has been plagued by production delays. "The earliest we could fit Helen Thomas with body armor would be spring 2009," he said. Ms. Thomas said she was considering other protective measures, such as wearing a quail outfit: "If I look like a quail, there's no way Cheney will hit me." Elsewhere, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said that his department would beef up security at the nation's chemical plants by compiling a complete list of plants that are vulnerable to attack and publishing them online. = = = = = = = = = = = Nice Cows One day George W. Bush was leading three cows into the White House. A Marine guard snapped to attention and said, “Nice, cows, sir!” The president replied, “These are just not any cows; these are authentic Texas Black Angus cows. I got one for Laura, one for Barbara, and one for Jenna.” The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted and replied, “Nice trade, sir!” = = = = = = = = = = = = Asking Dr. Laura about the bible (humor) Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to follow them. a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die? i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I do look forward to your enlightenment regarding the questions that puzzle me. Then I shall pass them along to others who may appreciate your moral leadership. Sincerely, Curious = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Outsourcing the presidency: I especially enjoyed the last paragraph, and I think outsourcing him to Iraq is so appropriate, as would be the warm welcoming committee. I will miss the tar and feather ceremony I fully expected him to receive on his retirement. Now, that's one show I'd have hitchhiked to watch: * * * Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of June 30, 2006. The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years. "We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds(R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted. Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the office of President as of July 1. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday." A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem because Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using the scanned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation. Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment compensation for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a résumé and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and his phony smile. Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month, before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop. Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome. = = = = = = = = = = = = Who's yo’ daddy? The following are all replies that Dallas TX women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing "father's details". Or putting it another way ... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out #11. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up. 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. 2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks. 4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. 5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again. 6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise. 7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me. 8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time ... well, I don't have clue. 9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. 10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized. 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. Your tax dollars at work :=)) --~--~---------~--~----~------------~-------~--~----~ [RobsList] A progressive group that is part of http://robwire.com You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups "RobsList" group. To post to this group, send email to [email protected] To unsubscribe from this group, send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] For more options, visit this group at http://groups.google.com/group/Robslist -~----------~----~----~----~------~----~------~--~---
