> Halloween Safety Tips > > I'm sure that you've all seen these rules before and really, > they're just common sense. But since we're coming up to that > time of the year, I think it's wise to review them. Something > about this time of year can play havoc with otherwise sensible > people. > > Just in case you have forgotten the rules for a safe and Happy > Halloween. > > 1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER, EVER go > check to see if it's really dead. > > 2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even just mumbling to > yourself, if you can't read silently you have no business with such a > thing anyway! > > 3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out. > > 4. If your pets speak to you in Latin or any other language which they > should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief > in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill > them, so be prepared. This also applies to people who speak with > somebody else's (usually deep) voice. > > 5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or even split up > and go it alone. > > 6. As a general rule, don't try to solve puzzles that open portals to > Hell. > > 7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would > apply to any other house of the dead as well. > > 8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find > out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT! > > 9. If appliances start operating by themselves, lights go on and off, a > fire just appears in the hearth, or doors open and close by themselves - > do not check for drafts, do not check for short circuits; just get out! > > 9 1/2. Why, why, why would you even think of sleeping in that house if > that happened? > > 10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead. > > 11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good > reason for it. Don't stop and look around! > > 12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you > know what you're doing. And even if you're sure you know what you're > doing, just don't fool with it! > > 13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at > least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and > the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to > catch up with you. > > 14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic > behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, > increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately. > > 15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are > listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in > trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small > town in Maine. > > 16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to > the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that > it is strange because you thought you had half of a tank, shoot yourself > instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten. > > 17. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the > time to move in with the in-laws. This applies to houses that had > previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some horrible fashion, > or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house. > > 17 1/2. When the exorcist/whatever declares the house is "clear", your > troubles have just begun. > > 18. Never look under the stairs. or the bed. or in the closet. or the > cellar, attic.....you get the idea. > > 19. Don't take anything back to the lab that looks like it might hatch > real soon - especially if it is transparent, something inside is moving, > or it appears to be lighted from within. In the same vein, never bend > over to look into anything that looks like an opening egg. > > 20. If you don't want to be chased by the monster (or serial killer, > shark, alien, giant snake, radioactive ants, etc.)...don't wear skimpy > clothes or wet T-shirts. > > 20 1/2. Practice safe sex: Don't have it anywhere odd things have been > happening, like people turning up dead. > > 21. If you are being chased by a car, don't run into the building, the > car will corner you and rev it's engine menacingly before destroying the > house, business, police station, etc. Whereas, if you just run down the > road it can't catch you. > > 22. Never unwrap the mummy. (See........Always good to have duct tape > on-hand just in case something unravels) > > 23. Going faster than some barrier: sound, light, gossip...is generally > bad news for someone somewhere. > > 24. When flying on an airplane, at night, in a storm, don't raise the > shade to see what that noise out on the wing was. > > 25. Don't talk to sheriffs wearing reflecting sunglasses in towns that > are so small the gas station has one pump. > > 26. Silver works - garlic doesn't. > > Happy Halloween !!
kurt
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