I realize general humour items don't belong on this group, but I got a
rueful laugh out this and thought this is one the group could identify with.
This was sent to me by an HO modeler whom I haven't yet convinced to 'S'ee
the Light.
You mean, all these years, I've been using them RIGHT? ... pqr
----- Original Message ----- >
>>> TOOLS EXPLAINED
>>>
>>> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
>>> flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
>>> chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
>>> freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
>>> where nothing could get to it.
>>>
>>> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
>>> under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
>>> and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
>>> to say, 'Oh sh -- '
>>>
>>> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
>>> holes until you die of old age.
>>>
>>> SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>>>
>>> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
>>> of blood-blisters.
>>>
>>> BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
>>> touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
>>>
>>> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
>>> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
>>> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
>>> dismal your future becomes.
>>>
>>> VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
>>> heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
>>> intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>>>
>>> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
>>> flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
>>> grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
>>> race.
>>>
>>> TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
>>> projectiles for testing wall integrity.
>>>
>>> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Us ed for lowering an automobile to the ground
>>> after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
>>> handle firmly under the bumper.
>>>
>>> BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
>>> to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
>>> into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
>>> the outside edge.
>>>
>>> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
>>> of everything you forgot to disconnect.
>>>
>>> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
>>> lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
>>> on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
>>> Phillips screw heads.
>>>
>>> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
>>> to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
>>> butchering your palm s.
>>>
>>> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
>>> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>>>
>>> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
>>>
>>> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
>>> is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
>>> adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
>>>
>>> UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
>>> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
>>> well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
>>> bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
>>> parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
>>> use.
>>>
>>> DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
>>> while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
>>> often, the next tool that you will need.
>>
------------------------------------
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