A Harem For Christmas
By Naia Zifu
I hopped up on Santa's lap, hoping that I wouldn't break it.
Santa smiled through the pain, and assured me he could take it.
"Now tell me, little lady, what is the present that you seek?"
"All I want for Christmas is a harem beneath the tree!"
"A hair bow?"
"A harem!"
"You mean pants?"
"I don't care what they're wearing, just bring 'em!"
"Just bring what?"
"You mean 'whom'!"
"Just bring 'whom'?"
"Well, for starters, Kristin Lehman, Ono Hikari, Jamie Lee Curtis,
Halle Berry. . ."
"Halle Be-- but those are all women!"
"And you're Santa! You can get anything!"
"Any_thing_, not any_one_! How 'bout a nice ball instead?"
I held my ground, and shook my head.
"You can keep your balls and trucks and dolls with little curls.
All I want for Christmas is a harem full of girls!"
So I left my list with Santa and ran home to prepare.
A harem full of pretty girls needs lots of love and care!
I made them little beds and set out bowls full of food.
Then I crawled into my bed to wait for reindeer on the roof.
I must've dozed, for I awoke to the morning sun,
And the sensation on my face of a wet, sloppy tongue.
"Hikari-sama!" I cried, hugging my new pet.
"And Jamie Lee and Halle! It's the best Christmas yet!"
Already I was planning what to ask for Christmas next:
Alyssa Milano, Rosario Dawson. . . hey, is Nakayama Akiko of legal age
yet?
But my joy was short-lived as I saw how they were acting.
"You're celebrities, not dogs!" I said.
But still they kept on scratching.
Kristin shed on our new sofa, Jamie Lee stole Halle's bone.
They were all acting so awful, I wished I'd left well enough alone!
This wasn't what I'd asked for! Santa's brain must be on vacation!
I marched right back to that mall and I demanded explanation.
"Celebrities are people, too. You can't treat them like toys.
It would be wrong to take them from their families and homes.
But since my job is not to judge, but only to spread joy,
I did the only thing I could-- I ordered you some clones!"
Cloning is a risky science, easy to mess up.
But these must have gone super-wrong, to come out acting like pups!
"Now," he said, "you must decide the most important part.
These clones may be imperfect, but they love you with all their
hearts.
Are you going to return them, just for having a few flaws?"
I looked in each pet's eyes in turn, then back at Santa Claus.
"These clones didn't ask to be born, I know,
And the fact you tried really is cool.
Unfortunately, I may have to let them go
If they don't go to obedience school."
"I think I can arrange that," Santa said.
After messing up, it was the least he could do.
The harem didn't work out, but now I have lovely pets
Who are fun to play dress-up with, too!
�2004 Naia Zifu, all rights reserved.
If you are one of the mentioned celebs, or a representative thereof,
please don't sue me! This was all in fun! I have no current plans to
kidnap or clone these or any other celebs to create my own personal
harem. Besides, even if you sued, you wouldn't get anything-- I'm
poor :-P .
Anyone who knows me, knows I never claimed to be a good poet. In
fact, I frequently joke over how bad at it I am. This was just a
silly holiday thing I wrote to send my friends. (And yes, it is,
indeed, funnier if you know me!) Just enjoy it for what it is. If
you want something good, write to me and poke me to get some of those
actual fics in my folder finished and up! *is too lazy for her own
good*
--
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