Autobiography of a Yogi
by Paramhansa Yogananda
Original First Edition, Copyright 1946,
by Paramhansa Yogananda
First Online Edition
Chapter 14
An Experience in Cosmic Consciousness
"I am here, Guruji." My shamefacedness spoke more eloquently for
me.
"Let us go to the kitchen and find something to eat." Sri
Yukteswar's manner was as natural as if hours and not days had separated us.
"Master, I must have disappointed you by my abrupt departure from
my duties here; I thought you might be angry with me."
"No, of course not! Wrath springs only from thwarted desires. I do
not expect anything from others, so their actions cannot be in opposition to
wishes of mine. I would not use you for my own ends; I am happy only in your
own true happiness."
"Sir, one hears of divine love in a vague way, but for the first
time I am having a concrete example in your angelic self! In the world, even a
father does not easily forgive his son if he leaves his parent's business
without warning. But you show not the slightest vexation, though you must have
been put to great inconvenience by the many unfinished tasks I left behind."
We looked into each other's eyes, where tears were shining. A
blissful wave engulfed me; I was conscious that the Lord, in the form of my
guru, was expanding the small ardors of my heart into the incompressible
reaches of cosmic love.
A few mornings later I made my way to Master's empty sitting room.
I planned to meditate, but my laudable purpose was unshared by disobedient
thoughts. They scattered like birds before the hunter.
"Mukunda!" Sri Yukteswar's voice sounded from a distant inner
balcony.
I felt as rebellious as my thoughts. "Master always urges me to
meditate," I muttered to myself. "He should not disturb me when he knows why I
came to his room."
He summoned me again; I remained obstinately silent. The third time
his tone held rebuke.
"Sir, I am meditating," I shouted protestingly.
"I know how you are meditating," my guru called out, "with your
mind distributed like leaves in a storm! Come here to me."
Snubbed and exposed, I made my way sadly to his side.
"Poor boy, the mountains couldn't give what you wanted." Master
spoke caressively, comfortingly. His calm gaze was unfathomable. "Your heart's
desire shall be fulfilled."
Sri Yukteswar seldom indulged in riddles; I was bewildered. He
struck gently on my chest above the heart.
My body became immovably rooted; breath was drawn out of my lungs
as if by some huge magnet. Soul and mind instantly lost their physical bondage,
and streamed out like a fluid piercing light from my every pore. The flesh was
as though dead, yet in my intense awareness I knew that never before had I been
fully alive. My sense of identity was no longer narrowly confined to a body,
but embraced the circumambient atoms. People on distant streets seemed to be
moving gently over my own remote periphery. The roots of plants and trees
appeared through a dim transparency of the soil; I discerned the inward flow of
their sap.
The whole vicinity lay bare before me. My ordinary frontal vision
was now changed to a vast spherical sight, simultaneously all-perceptive.
Through the back of my head I saw men strolling far down Rai Ghat Road, and
noticed also a white cow who was leisurely approaching. When she reached the
space in front of the open ashram gate, I observed her with my two physical
eyes. As she passed by, behind the brick wall, I saw her clearly still.
All objects within my panoramic gaze trembled and vibrated like
quick motion pictures. My body, Master's, the pillared courtyard, the furniture
and floor, the trees and sunshine, occasionally became violently agitated,
until all melted into a luminescent sea; even as sugar crystals, thrown into a
glass of water, dissolve after being shaken. The unifying light alternated with
materializations of form, the metamorphoses revealing the law of cause and
effect in creation.
An oceanic joy broke upon calm endless shores of my soul. The
Spirit of God, I realized, is exhaustless Bliss; His body is countless tissues
of light. A swelling glory within me began to envelop towns, continents, the
earth, solar and stellar systems, tenuous nebulae, and floating universes. The
entire cosmos, gently luminous, like a city seen afar at night, glimmered
within the infinitude of my being. The sharply etched global outlines faded
somewhat at the farthest edges; there I could see a mellow radiance,
ever-undiminished. It was indescribably subtle; the planetary pictures were
formed of a grosser light.
The divine dispersion of rays poured from an Eternal Source,
blazing into galaxies, transfigured with ineffable auras. Again and again I saw
the creative beams condense into constellations, then resolve into sheets of
transparent flame. By rhythmic reversion, sextillion worlds passed into
diaphanous luster; fire became firmament.
I cognized the center of the empyrean as a point of intuitive
perception in my heart. Irradiating splendor issued from my nucleus to every
part of the universal structure. Blissful amrita, the nectar of immortality,
pulsed through me with a quicksilverlike fluidity. The creative voice of God I
heard resounding as Aum,1 the vibration of the Cosmic Motor.
Suddenly the breath returned to my lungs. With a disappointment
almost unbearable, I realized that my infinite immensity was lost. Once more I
was limited to the humiliating cage of a body, not easily accommodative to the
Spirit. Like a prodigal child, I had run away from my macrocosmic home and
imprisoned myself in a narrow microcosm.
My guru was standing motionless before me; I started to drop at his
holy feet in gratitude for the experience in cosmic consciousness which I had
long passionately sought. He held me upright, and spoke calmly,
unpretentiously.
"You must not get overdrunk with ecstasy. Much work yet remains for
you in the world. Come; let us sweep the balcony floor; then we shall walk by
the Ganges."
I fetched a broom; Master, I knew, was teaching me the secret of
balanced living. The soul must stretch over the cosmogonic abysses, while the
body performs its daily duties. When we set out later for a stroll, I was still
entranced in unspeakable rapture. I saw our bodies as two astral pictures,
moving over a road by the river whose essence was sheer light.
"It is the Spirit of God that actively sustains every form and
force in the universe; yet He is transcendental and aloof in the blissful
uncreated void beyond the worlds of vibratory phenomena," 2 Master explained.
"Saints who realize their divinity even while in the flesh know a similar
twofold existence. Conscientiously engaging in earthly work, they yet remain
immersed in an inward beatitude. The Lord has created all men from the
limitless joy of His being. Though they are painfully cramped by the body, God
nevertheless expects that souls made in His image shall ultimately rise above
all sense identifications and reunite with Him."
The cosmic vision left many permanent lessons. By daily stilling my
thoughts, I could win release from the delusive conviction that my body was a
mass of flesh and bones, traversing the hard soil of matter. The breath and the
restless mind, I saw, were like storms which lashed the ocean of light into
waves of material formsearth, sky, human beings, animals, birds, trees. No
perception of the Infinite as One Light could be had except by calming those
storms. As often as I silenced the two natural tumults, I beheld the
multitudinous waves of creation melt into one lucent sea, even as the waves of
the ocean, their tempests subsiding, serenely dissolve into unity.
A master bestows the divine experience of cosmic consciousness when
his disciple, by meditation, has strengthened his mind to a degree where the
vast vistas would not overwhelm him. The experience can never be given through
one's mere intellectual willingness or open-mindedness. Only adequate
enlargement by yoga practice and devotional bhakti can prepare the mind to
absorb the liberating shock of omnipresence. It comes with a natural
inevitability to the sincere devotee. His intense craving begins to pull at God
with an irresistible force. The Lord, as the Cosmic Vision, is drawn by the
seeker's magnetic ardor into his range of consciousness.
I wrote, in my later years, the following poem, "Samadhi,"
endeavoring to convey the glory of its cosmic state:
Vanished the veils of light and shade,
Lifted every vapor of sorrow,
Sailed away all dawns of fleeting joy,
Gone the dim sensory mirage.
Love, hate, health, disease, life, death,
Perished these false shadows on the screen of duality.
Waves of laughter, scyllas of sarcasm, melancholic whirlpools,
Melting in the vast sea of bliss.
The storm of maya stilled
By magic wand of intuition deep.
The universe, forgotten dream, subconsciously lurks,
Ready to invade my newly-wakened memory divine.
I live without the cosmic shadow,
But it is not, bereft of me;
As the sea exists without the waves,
But they breathe not without the sea.
Dreams, wakings, states of deep turia sleep,
Present, past, future, no more for me,
But ever-present, all-flowing I, I, everywhere.
Planets, stars, stardust, earth,
Volcanic bursts of doomsday cataclysms,
Creation's molding furnace,
Glaciers of silent x-rays, burning electron floods,
Thoughts of all men, past, present, to come,
Every blade of grass, myself, mankind,
Each particle of universal dust,
Anger, greed, good, bad, salvation, lust,
I swallowed, transmuted all
Into a vast ocean of blood of my own one Being!
Smoldering joy, oft-puffed by meditation
Blinding my tearful eyes,
Burst into immortal flames of bliss,
Consumed my tears, my frame, my all.
Thou art I, I am Thou,
Knowing, Knower, Known, as One!
Tranquilled, unbroken thrill, eternally living, ever-new peace!
Enjoyable beyond imagination of expectancy, samadhi bliss!
Not an unconscious state
Or mental chloroform without wilful return,
Samadhi but extends my conscious realm
Beyond limits of the mortal frame
To farthest boundary of eternity
Where I, the Cosmic Sea,
Watch the little ego floating in Me.
The sparrow, each grain of sand, fall not without My sight.
All space floats like an iceberg in My mental sea.
Colossal Container, I, of all things made.
By deeper, longer, thirsty, guru-given meditation
Comes this celestial samadhi.
Mobile murmurs of atoms are heard,
The dark earth, mountains, vales, lo! molten liquid!
Flowing seas change into vapors of nebulae!
Aum blows upon vapors, opening wondrously their veils,
Oceans stand revealed, shining electrons,
Till, at last sound of the cosmic drum,
Vanish the grosser lights into eternal rays
Of all-pervading bliss.
From joy I came, for joy I live, in sacred joy I melt.
Ocean of mind, I drink all creation's waves.
Four veils of solid, liquid, vapor, light,
Lift aright.
Myself, in everything, enters the Great Myself.
Gone forever, fitful, flickering shadows of mortal memory.
Spotless is my mental sky, below, ahead, and high above.
Eternity and I, one united ray.
A tiny bubble of laughter, I
Am become the Sea of Mirth Itself.
Sri Yukteswar taught me how to summon the blessed experience at
will, and also how to transmit it to others if their intuitive channels were
developed. For months I entered the ecstatic union, comprehending why the
Upanishads say God is rasa, "the most relishable." One day, however, I took a
problem to Master.
"I want to know, sirwhen shall I find God?"
"You have found Him."
"O no, sir, I don't think so!"
My guru was smiling. "I am sure you aren't expecting a venerable
Personage, adorning a throne in some antiseptic corner of the cosmos! I see,
however, that you are imagining that the possession of miraculous powers is
knowledge of God. One might have the whole universe, and find the Lord elusive
still! Spiritual advancement is not measured by one's outward powers, but only
by the depth of his bliss in meditation.
"Ever-new Joy is God. He is inexhaustible; as you continue your
meditations during the years, He will beguile you with an infinite ingenuity.
Devotees like yourself who have found the way to God never dream of exchanging
Him for any other happiness; He is seductive beyond thought of competition.
"How quickly we weary of earthly pleasures! Desire for material
things is endless; man is never satisfied completely, and pursues one goal
after another. The 'something else' he seeks is the Lord, who alone can grant
lasting joy.
"Outward longings drive us from the Eden within; they offer false
pleasures which only impersonate soul-happiness. The lost paradise is quickly
regained through divine meditation. As God is unanticipatory Ever-Newness, we
never tire of Him. Can we be surfeited with bliss, delightfully varied
throughout eternity?"
"I understand now, sir, why saints call the Lord unfathomable. Even
everlasting life could not suffice to appraise Him."
"That is true; but He is also near and dear. After the mind has
been cleared by Kriya Yoga of sensory obstacles, meditation furnishes a twofold
proof of God. Ever-new joy is evidence of His existence, convincing to our very
atoms. Also, in meditation one finds His instant guidance, His adequate
response to every difficulty."
"I see, Guruji; you have solved my problem." I smiled gratefully.
"I do realize now that I have found God, for whenever the joy of meditation has
returned subconsciously during my active hours, I have been subtly directed to
adopt the right course in everything, even details."
"Human life is beset with sorrow until we know how to tune in with
the Divine Will, whose 'right course' is often baffling to the egoistic
intelligence. God bears the burden of the cosmos; He alone can give unerring
counsel."
1 "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and
the Word was God."-John 1:1.
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2 "For the Father judgeth no man, but hath committed all judgment
unto the Son."-John 5:22. "No man hath seen God at any time; the only begotten
Son, which is in the bosom of the Father, he hath declared him."-John 1:18.
"Verily, verily, I say unto you, he that believeth on me, the works that I do
shall he do also; and greater works than these shall he do; because I go unto
my Father."-John 14:12. "But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the
Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all
things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said to you."-John 14:26.
These Biblical words refer to the threefold nature of God as
Father, Son, Holy Ghost (Sat, Tat, Aum in the Hindu scriptures). God the Father
is the Absolute, Unmanifested, existing beyond vibratory creation. God the Son
is the Christ Consciousness (Brahma or Kutastha Chaitanya) existing within
vibratory creation; this Christ Consciousness is the "only begotten" or sole
reflection of the Uncreated Infinite. Its outward manifestation or "witness" is
Aum or Holy Ghost, the divine, creative, invisible power which structures all
creation through vibration. Aum the blissful Comforter is heard in meditation
and reveals to the devotee the ultimate Truth.
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