Live life the way you would like to remember when you die.
Regrets of the Dying
By Bronnie Ware
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone
home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the
last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never
to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal.
Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger,
remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found
their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do
differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common
five:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life
others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is
almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have
gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and
had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the
way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a
freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's
youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But
as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been
breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of
their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is
possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more
space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones
more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a
result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were
truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness
and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may
initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the
end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that
or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their
dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become
so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by
over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the
time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are
dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when
you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall
away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But
it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to
get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though,
they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to
love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks,
love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that
happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The
so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as
their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to
their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh
properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your
mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are
dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose
honestly. Choose happiness.
Bronnie Ware is a writer, singer/songwriter, songwriting teacher and speaker
from Australia who has ved nomadically for most of her adult life and shares
her inspiring observations and the insights gained along the way through the
diversity of her work.
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Best regards,
