FYI...
Sunday, February 12, 2006
The Borowitz Report
CHENEY SAYS SHOOTING OF FELLOW HUNTER WAS BASED ON FAULTY
INTELLIGENCE
Believed Shooting Victim Was Zawahiri, Veep Says
Vice President Dick Cheney revealed today that he shot a fellow
hunter while on a quail hunting trip over the weekend because he
believed the man was the fugitive terror mastermind Ayman al-
Zawahiri.
Mr. Cheney acknowledged that the man he sprayed with pellets on
Saturday was not al-Zawahiri but rather Harry Whittington, a 78-year-
old millionaire lawyer from Austin, blaming the mix-up on "faulty
intelligence."
"I believed I had credible intelligence that al-Zawahiri had
infiltrated my hunting party in disguise with the intent of spraying
me with pellets," Mr. Cheney told reporters. "Only after I shot
Harry in the face and he shouted `Cheney, you bastard' did I realize
that this intelligence was faulty."
Moments after Mr. Cheney's assault on Mr. Whittington, Mr. al-
Zawahiri appeared in a new videotape broadcast on al-Jazeera to
announce that he was uninjured in the vice president's attack
because, in his words, "I was in Pakistan."
An aide to the vice president said he believed that the American
people would believe Mr. Cheney's version of events, but added, "If
he was going to shoot any of his cronies right now it's a shame it
wasn't Jack Abramoff."
At the White House, President George W. Bush defended his vice
president's shooting of a fellow hunter, saying that the attack
sent "a strong message to terrorists everywhere."
"The message is, if Dick Cheney is willing to shoot an innocent
American citizen at point-blank range, imagine what he'll do to
you," Mr. Bush said.
Elsewhere, aviator Steve Fossett completed his three-day journey
around the globe, setting a world record for wasting both time and
money.
-0-
Tuesday , February 14, 2006
The Borowitz Report
HOMELAND SECURITY DEPARTMENT UNVEILS CHENEY ALERT SYSTEM
Color-coded System Would Warn Nation of Future Attacks by Veep
Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff announced today that
his department would immediately implement a "Cheney Alert" system
to warn Americans if an attack by Vice President Dick Cheney is
imminent.
The Department of Homeland Security has been under pressure to
respond to the widespread panic and anxiety that have gripped the
nation since Mr. Cheney shot and wounded a fellow quail hunter while
on a hunting trip in Texas over the weekend.
Across the country, people have holed up in their homes and hoarded
food and water, fearing another senseless attack by the gun-toting
vice president.
"What we have learned, the hard way, is that Dick Cheney can attack
without warning," Mr. Chertoff said. "It is our hope that with this
Cheney Alert system we will be able to give the American people some
warning before he strikes again."
The alert system, with five color-coded levels indicating the
likelihood of another brutal pellet attack by the Vice President,
was derided by some in Congress such as Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del),
who likened it to "closing the barn door after the horses have
escaped."
"The fact is, the White House already had ample warning that Dick
Cheney was going to strike, and they sat on their hands and did
nothing," Mr. Biden said, referring to a Presidential Daily Brief
dated February 4 with the title, "Dick Cheney Determined to Strike
in US."
Elsewhere, former Education Secretary William Bennett said that he
was "outraged" that an NHL gambling ring has been in operation for
five years and he was never invited to participate in it.
-0-
Yahoo! Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/scifinoir2/
<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
