Again, from the Sunday NY Times:
August 10, 2003
OP-ED CONTRIBUTOR
'Terminator 4: The Rise of Colin Powell'
By ANDY BOROWITZ
Just hours after Arnold Schwarzenegger announced his candidacy for governor
of California, the contest to
replace Mr. Schwarzenegger in the lucrative Terminator film series began
in earnest.
Secretary of State Colin Powell was the first to toss his hat in the ring,
discreetly phoning several
high-ranking executives at Warner Brothers to let them know he was
interested in taking over the Terminator
role. He likes the idea of being in a job where people have to listen to
him, and if they don't, he can just
blow them away, one of Mr. Powell's confidantes said. Plus, he won't have
to deal with Wolfowitz.
Mr. Schwarzenegger's candidacy may have also created a perfect opportunity
for John Poindexter, who is set to
depart the Pentagon after his recent attempt to think outside the box was
met with less enthusiasm than his
previous efforts. As soon as he heard the news, the irrepressible plotter
established a Terminator futures
market to predict his own chances of getting the prized role. So far, his
prospects are trading lower than
those of fellow Terminator wannabes Dennis Kucinich, Ralph Nader and
Roseanne, but Mr. Poindexter still likes
his chances. After Iran-contra, everyone left John for dead, noted one of
Mr. Poindexter's associates. But
like the Terminator, he keeps coming back.
On the Democratic side, Jerry Brown, the former California governor, dropped
a hint that he was interested in
the Terminator part during a speech in Oakland on Friday, when he departed
from his prepared remarks to drive
a truck through a plate-glass window. While naysayers argue that the role
has traditionally been played by a
Republican, Mr. Brown's supporters are quick to point out that during his
tenure as governor, Mr. Brown
established solid sci-fi credentials every time he opened his mouth.
The conservative pundit Ann Coulter's rivalry with fellow pundit Arianna
Huffington is so white-hot,
associates say, that Ms. Huffington's decision to run for governor made it
a lock that Ms. Coulter would try
for the role. Ms. Coulter's audition, however, was less than encouraging.
The script just called for her to
say, `Hasta la vista, baby,' but she wouldn't stop there, one Warner
executive said. The evil cyborg
couldn't get a word in edgewise.
Why does Sean Penn want to be the new Terminator? Simple: he's tired of
politics, friends say, and wants to
return to the movies full time. In a field of long shots, however, Mr. Penn
may be the longest shot of all,
according to the Warner executive: After two decades of Arnold as
Terminator, I don't think the audience will
accept an actor in the role.
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