-Caveat Lector-
http://www.nytimes.com/2001/02/18/weekinreview/18MCCA.html
Yo, Sparky. Yeah, You Know Who You Are.
By BRUCE MCCALL
"He's our nicknamer in chief." ÝÝó Newsweek
INSIDERS are admitting that President George W. Bush's penchant
for bestowing his own nicknames on close associates has provoked
the first crisis of his new administration.
"Internal communications are in turmoil," confesses a
high-ranking Bush aide known as Frenchy, though he doesn't know
why. "The president says get me Knuckles on the line, or where's
The Eskimo, or let Bones and uptown handle this," he laments,
"and nobody has a clue as to who he's talking about."
Vice President Dick Cheney, a seasoned Bush handler, refuses to
confirm or deny reports that he plans an internal White House
telephone hot line where senior advisors, cabinet members and
others can call in to find out their current presidential
nicknames and those of their colleagues.
But knowing who's actually who among themselves has become a
high-stakes guessing game for the Bush team members ó as was
underscored by a recent trip to Kansas City by a bewildered
secretary of state, Gen. Colin L. Powell.
The president had ordered that Bullets be sent to represent the
administration at a town meeting on farm subsidies. Assuming
Bullets to be Mr. Bush's informal name for the only ex-military
figure among his top aides, a member of the White House staff
conveyed the word to General Powell. He was halfway to Kansas
City aboard Air Force One before the goof was revealed: Bullets
is the president's nickname for the secretary of agriculture, Ann
M. Veneman. Mr. Bush's response to the snafu was quoted as, "Why
for heck's sake would I send Balloonfoot to do Bullet's job?"
The first lady herself is reported to be "baffled" by her
husband's nickname for her. "I hung up five times yesterday when
he called to ask what was for dinner," said a flustered Laura
Bush. "I thought it was a wrong number when the guy kept asking
for Stretch."
Meanwhile, President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia is reportedly
both baffled and incensed that on his first call to the new
American president, Mr. Bush addressed him not as Mr. President
or Mr. Putin but Ostrich Legs.
Mr. Cheney, who is said to believe his own Bush nickname to be
either Hopalong or Crash-Dive (signed presidential memos
evidently differ), has reportedly come to dread full cabinet
meetings. "When George W. starts with the `Good morning, Skeezix'
and `Let's ask The Undertaker," says one cabinet member, who
thinks he himself may be Spinach Man, "they all look over at Dick
for help, and he's as lost as they are. And if Dick doesn't know
who the president's talking to, who does?"
A White House nickname hot line, should Mr. Cheney set one up,
would be helpful but no panacea. High- ranking administration
officials are still likely to refuse the call when their
secretaries announce it's The Pecos Kid for Snooky. Foreign
leaders beyond nickname-hot- line range will surely bridle at
being called Nine Pin or Hound Dog by a fellow head of state.
And what of Mr. Bush's intimate circle? One old friend returned
as Not Known At This Address a 50- pound shipment of Texas
barbecue beef bearing the presidential seal, addressed to "The
Big Goober." His name is Darryl.
Compounding the confusion is Mr. Bush's creativity with
sobriquets, verging on free association.
"His nickname style isn't anything you can decode," points out a
close observer known only as Four- Eyes. "Like, say, calling tall
guys Shorty and right- handers Lefty. Why is Attorney General
John Ashcroft Snake Hips ó or is that Rumsfeld? No, he's Pistol
Pete. Wait a minute, maybe Rumsfeld is Chickenman and Pistol Pete
is Christie Whitman. Aw, I give up."
Asked by reporters about the impending nickname hot-line project,
the president himself expressed surprise at the idea and said he
had no information he was aware of.
"For that," he replied, "You'd have to talk to Stilts."
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Kadosh, Kadosh, Kadosh, YHVH, TZEVAOT
FROM THE DESK OF:
*Michael Spitzer* [EMAIL PROTECTED]
~~~
The Best Way To Destroy Enemies Is To Change Them To Friends
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