-Caveat Lector-
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news1202/twotowers.html
December 2002
Christian Moviegoers Beware!
The Two Towers is Homo Slang For Erect Hobbit Penises
Important Notice For Christian Parents
The new movie, The Two Towers makes up for its lack of on screen sex scenes with some
of
the most horrifying, blood wrenching violence ever to splatter the silver screen.
"That's why,
at first glance, the film is very appealing to True Christians®," says Pastor Deacon
Fred.
"However, we must be careful not to get overly excited about movies that come so close
to
depicting what our loving Lord Jesus has in store for sinners. Christians know that
nothing
man could ever conceive on film will ever match the glorious barbecue of burning flesh
that
God has promised for all those who don't worship Jesus. I doubt Hollywood could ever
litter
a whole valley with hacked up pieces of human flesh and body parts, or fill a river
with the
hot, fresh steaming blood of the unsaved. Only the Lord can do that! And the Bible
tells us
He will! As True Christians®, we are promised front row seats for that glorious show.
And the
price for admission was covered 2,000 years ago by Jesus' death, burial, and
resurrection!
And friends, the reviews for that show, even though it hasn't happened yet, are
already in.
And they are raves. Five stars! You see, the Lord's Word tells us that once the world
is
covered with rotting corpses, saved Christians will "rejoice over them and make merry,
and
shall send gifts to one another" (Revelation 11:5-10)." Praise! Now, as a True
Christian, that
is the type of spoiler I don't mind! I think I speak for all Baptists when I say,
'Bring on the
rotting bodies, sweet Jesus!'"
Pastor Deacon Fred went on to note that although the violence in The Two Towers film is
some of the best he's ever seen outside of the Holy Bible, that the hidden sexual
agenda in
the movie makes it unwatchable to anyone other than a qualified minister of God.
Pastors who were allowed to see the first film, The Fellowship of the Ring, remember
that
toward the end, one of the male hobbits (which is slang for "homo boy with a little
bitty [insert
unchristian word here] hanging between his legs") fell so much in love with the main
character, Frodo (another male hobbit), that he committed the ultimate homosexual
sacrifice
by ruining his hairdo and nearly drowning himself to prove his loyalty. Although
sodomy is
now suggested in nearly every scene where the two creatures appear together,
thankfully,
the producers leave the disgusting homosexuality (which was so much a part of the
novels)
off camera. There are some scenes where the hobbits appear together in one sleeping bag
and a lewd discussion about what sinful act led to both their palms and feet becoming
so
hairy, but that's about it. By moving dozens of deviant sex scenes between those
hairy little
perverts off screen, the producers were able to achieve a PG13 rating," says Pastor
Deacon
Fred. "And make no mistake, my dear friends; here at Landover Baptist, PG means 'pretty
gay.'"
Although we don't know too much about the director of The Two Towers movie, we are told
that he was plucked from the overweight, unkempt men with glasses who play Dungeons
and Dragons and live in their mother's basement crowd. This type of person is part of a
dangerous and destructive class of sissified sex- perverts who can't tell the
difference
between fantasy and reality. Their type force American Christians to participate in
their make
believe worlds by creating movies, online role-playing games, and books of fiction.
"If we
could only get these fat little momma's boys to take a bath and sit in a Baptist
Church on a
Sunday Morning, they would be able to hear true stories from the Holy Bible about
talking
snakes (Genesis 3:1), a time when giants roamed the Earth (Genesis 6:4), a guy who
stops
the sun from moving (Joshua 10:12-13), folks who routinely live to be 900 years old
(Genesis 5:2-32), people who can open up whole seas like a zipper (Exodus 14:26-28),
folks who camp out in whale's stomachs (Matthew 12:40), flying horses (2 Kings 2:11),
gentlemen who are able to live inside furnaces (Daniel 3), stinky rotting corpses that
jump
out of graves (John 11:39-44), and swimming seven headed fire breathing leopards sent
to
destroy the world, (Revelation 13:1-10)" says Pastor Deacon Fred. "And then maybe these
sweaty little four-eyed plumpers would stop making up silly fantasy films and start
churning
out movies based on factual events from the Holy Bible.
We can't expect secular film critics to understand what Satan is doing with this
movie. They
don't have the scholarly Christian background necessary to understand all the nuances
of
God's otherwise seemingly insane Word. For example, that popcorn-munching, Junior Mints
inhaling slob, Roger Ebert, NEVER attended vacation Bible school. And that swishy Jew,
Leonard Maltin, never had the Holy Spirit hoverin
