Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position. Atheism is not only not a religion, its also not even my hobby.
And that's the best thing about being an Atheist. It requires so little of your time. But there is a growing trend in this country which has to get called out. And that is to label any evidence-based thing as religion. Many conservatives now thing that belief in man-made climate change is a religion, and Darwinism is a religion. And even Atheism, the total lack of religion is somehow a religion too, according to always reliable Encyclopedia Moronica. Now its a dodge, of course, in the grand tradition of,, 'I know you are, but what am I?' Its a way of saying, 'Hey, we all believe in some faith-based malarky, so lets call it a push. No. N-n-n-n-no. Its not fair that people who can't defend their own nonsense get to make a fake 'fair and balanced' argument. The way they do in asserting evolution and creationism are equally valid. I'm not saying that Atheists are perfect thinkers. Everyone has blind spots. I'm sure there are Atheists that think ponytails look good on a man! Pineapple belongs on a pizza! Ayn Rand was an important thinker, but... Well, when it comes to religion, we're not two sides of the same coin. And you don't get to put your unreason up on the same shelf with my reason. Your stuff has to go over there on the shelf with Zeus and Thor and the Kracken. With the stuff that is not evidence-based. Stuff that religious people never change their mind about no matter what happens. That's not Atheism. I'm open to anything for which there's evidence. Show me a god, and I will believe in him. If Jesus Christ comes down from the sky during the half-time show of this Sunday's Super Bowl, and turns all the nachos into loaves and fishes, well, I'll think two things. First, 'How dare he interrupt Madonna, she is gonna be pissed!' And two, 'Oh, look at that, I was wrong, there he is. My bad. Praise the Lord.' But that's not gonna happen, and short of that, if you still insist Atheism is a religion, then its only fair that we get to do all the loony stuff you get to do. And I'm going to start tonight by un-baptizing Mitt Romney's father-in-law. In case you didn't hear, it was discovered last week that Edward Davies, Ann Romney's father, an enthusiastically anti-religious scientist, who called organized faith, 'hogwash,' was posthomously baptized in the Mormon tradition fourteen months after he died. They tried to do it sooner, but he wouldn't stop spinning in his grave. So here then is history's first un-baptism ceremony right now for the late Edward Davies. [Dawns wizard hat and wand, and we here magical chanting] Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of math, gravity, evolution and electricity, to honor brother Edward, and to send the powers of Seal Team 666 to rescue him from planet Kolob, so that he may spend eternity with the kind of freethinkers he chose to hang out with here on Earth. So, by the power granted to me, as supplied by the Blair Witch... Shlemeil, shlamazal, e pluribus mumbo jumbo, expecto petronum, su-su-sudio, yo mamma... I call upon the Mormon spirits to leave your body the fuck alone! Brother Edward, in this world, you had to put up with Mitt Romney, you've suffered enough.
