g_b My gay husband: why it took so long for me to leave him
[image: Times Online] http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news [image: Jeremy clarkson columnist]http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/driving/jeremy_clarkson/article3638139.ece [image: Opening quote] Can you imagine going to Glyndebourne with bingo wings?http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/driving/jeremy_clarkson/article3638139.ece[image: Closing quote] Jeremy Clarkson Send your viewshttp://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/driving/jeremy_clarkson/article3638139.ece?openComment=true#comments-form Times *April 3, 2008 * *My gay husband: why it took so long for me to leave him* *In a 1988 article that appeared in The Times, a reader revealed her anguish at discovering that her husband was gay. She has remained in the marriage since then. Now, in an open letter to her spouse, she explains why she is ending it* ** * * *Dear Peter * I didn't intend sending you this letter, but to use it only as a means of catharsis and, possibly, a justification to myself for the leap in the not-so-dark I'll take once the house is sold and we start to live totally separately. What made me change my mind was recalling that you said you were a little confused about my motives and reasons for such a serious step, radically changing a relationship that has spanned 40 years. You became angry and upset; yet you have often said in the past that you wouldn't be able to tolerate our situation, were the roles reversed. So may I plead a little confusion also? Maybe the simplest way of looking at the separation is to think of it as part of an evolving process. First there was your revelation that you were gay (which took me many years to accept), then, later, our decision to combine your need for liberty and a degree of licence with your determination to remain at the core of the family. This led to your move away to live in London during the week and our children and friends accepted the explanation that you were under pressure at work. But the truth of course left me with all kinds of imaginings: what were you doing, who had you been with when you came home to me on a Friday night? As time passed and you established yourself as part of the gay community, your weekends at home became a moveable feast and emotionally you withdrew from me, no longer showing the same interest in my thoughts or feelings; my internal life. That was inevitable, I now see. And yet I felt I remained on your radar from habit, guilt, or as a refuge from your frequent emotional turmoil, drawing me in whether I liked it or not. Somehow we had to deconstruct our notion of what a marriage is and create a relationship that could accommodate who we had become. I had to convince myself that your other life was only a threat to me if I allowed it to be; but this turned out to be a persistently difficult exercise and one that provoked frequent fiery discussion. You are an extremely honest person; also I think I invited your confidences to seek the reassurance, which I seldom got. It was a poisoned chalice: I was afraid of these spectral figures, these men who threatened my security; yet I thought that if you had the freedom to be with them then you would be nicer to me, a happier person and easier to be with. My instinct then was for self preservation, indistinguishable from my need to preserve the family unit. I had to learn acceptance, as did our children and friends when, later, we told them the truth. Over the years we have tried to establish boundaries - you would continue to join in family occasions and to share our social life as a couple; I would meet and enjoy the company of your gay friends - although never the ones you were emotionally involved with. At the mixed parties we attended together you would occasionally forget which persona you inhabited - comfortably married spouse or gay social butterfly - with sometimes comical results. But, in truth, you were probably trying to reconcile the irreconcilable: your gay life and your family life. I doubt if equal weight could be given to these two elements - one has to remain in the shadows, the other can grow in the sunlight. Only so much time and energy can be devoted to the pursuit of relationships (and/or sex) without other aspects of your life suffering. It seems to me your dedication to this need determines all aspects of your life leaving me to wonder about my role and identity within the marriage. Am I wife? Legally, yes. Partner? Probably not. Lover? Certainly not. Confidante? I doubt it. Close friend? I hope so. Now you are probably going to scold me for trying to pigeonhole what we have, but I don't have sufficient sense of myself in this. I can't place myself in the hierarchy of your relationships, or try to compete with a rival because this life of yours is something completely apart. Your homosexuality is not negotiable and it permeates everything: the films you sometimes watch, the jokes you share, the clothes you wear - the prism through which you
g_b An Interview with Ashok Row Kavi: Coming Out in India
*An Interview with Ashok Row Kavi: Coming Out in India * March 2008 http://www.amfar.org/cgi-bin/iowa/asia/news/index.html?record=144 -- [image: TA-ashok] *Ashok Row Kavi is the founder of the Humsafar Trust. Based in Mumbai, India, Humsafar is one of the first organizations in India to advocate for the rights of men who have sex with men (MSM) and one of the first and most successful gay and transgender sexual health outreach programs in the country. Under Kavi's direction, Humsafar has taken the lead in developing community-based programs to reduce the vulnerability of MSM to HIV infection and to support its members already living with the virus. Kavi now works as a consultant for UNAIDS MSM/TG in New Delhi.* ___ *TREAT Asia Report*: What is the attitude in India towards homosexuality? *Ashok Row Kavi*: In ancient India, transgendered people were recognized by nuns and Buddhists in the monastery as a sacred sexual minority. Throughout the Vedas and in Middle Eastern literature, many texts talk about feminine males. India drifted from its acceptance of homosexuality because of the influence of colonial British education. Accepting homosexuality isn't something new for India—but we have to recover that tradition. Homosexuality is being normalized in Western societies but not without a bitter fight. It's going to be a bitter fight here, too, because modern India is a product of many other cultures. Today, the attitude in India toward MSM is conflicted. On the whole, nobody cares about your sexual identity, but they certainly care about your gender identity! Having a feminine gender identity drops a man down the power scale, but this is mostly mitigated if a man adheres to traditional social obligations like getting married and looking after his parents. However, transgendered males can be in serious trouble if they cross dress. Then, one is usually asked to leave his parents' home and join outside cults such as the *hijras*, which is the traditional group of transgendered people in India. At least 80 percent of gay men in India are married. If you look at Humsafar, you'll find more than 40 percent of men who are having sex with other men do not identify as gay. And they're not always just sleeping with men—those who do not strictly identify as gay have an average of two female partners a month. *TA Report*: You are often described as one of the first gay men to come out of the closet in India. What was that experience like? *Kavi*: I may be homosexual in a Western sense, but I don't come from that tradition. I'm trained as a Hindu monk in the Rama Krishna order, and I was in this training when I first came out as a gay man. My counselor in the monastery, who was an older monk himself, said it was my mission to go out into the secular world and organize and work with my people. The monastery and the ashram are not places for you to hide—you need to go and sort it out. So that's what I'm doing. When you come out in India, gay identity becomes your primary identity. If you come out as an openly homosexual man and refuse to get married to a woman, then your homosexual identity becomes a form of rebellion and attracts a great deal of attention. All the other identities—being a good journalist, for instance—become back-ups. When I came out in 1984, I didn't realize it would create such a ruckus, but I nearly lost my job. My boss stood by me, though. Fortunately, I had come out to him before I had accepted the job. There were problems among my brothers and their wives, but not my mother—she's incredible. When I was being attacked by a politician, for instance, she told him to lay off. I've had a lot of support as a gay man in India, but going public did affect my job and career prospects. *TA Report*: How did you start Humsafar? *Kavi*: When I returned to India from Montreal in the late 1980s, I was very worried because gay men were fighting for their very lives in ACT UP. Eighty percent of HIV infections were among gay men at that time—but hardly eight percent of government funding was going to gay organizations! I thought, what would happen in Asia where there were no gay communities, only large networks of men having sex with men? So some of us got together for informal workshops and meetings. We finally decided to form a support system for gay men—that is, gay in the Western sense meaning men who identify themselves primarily as homosexual. (Humsafar has a policy that it will not accept board members who are married because that could divide us politically. So the board consists of unmarried gay men.) Humsafar eventually became the only gay organization in Bombay to be given space by the city government. When we first got started, poorer men from Bombay started coming. Sometimes they had alternative gender or behavioral identities but many were just men having sex with other men. And it grew from there. Last
g_b Things Are Not Always What They Seem Like
I received this email from a friend a few days back. These pictures remind me that a lot of times, things do not always appear the way they look like. True enough, everyone of us has our own perspectives in looking at things and not having the same perspectives do not mean that anyone is right or wrong. Probably that is why there is the saying, putting oneself in the shoes of others. Not only will that allow us to understand from the person's point of view, but also allow us to be more tolerant of each other. A lot of times, misunderstandings or conflicts occurred because of the lack of understandings between people. 11 SHIPS OR 3 SHIPS 8 ARCHES? DO YOU SEE FACES OR ALL HOUSES? View all the pictures at: http://www.symphonyoflove.net/blog/?p=132 http://www.symphonyoflove.net/blog/?p=132
g_b The GB Party at Liquid Lounge on 5 April 08!!!!
The GB Party at Liquid Lounge on 5 April 08 Date: Saturday 5 April 2008. Time: 9 pm to 1am. Cover Charge: Rs 550/- - To defray the expenses of the party Its a Saturday Nite party Venue: Liquid Lounge (above Karma) Sukh Sagar, 534 S.V.P. Road , Mumbai 47. (Near Girgaum Chowpatty and Opera House;opposite Standard Chartered Bank. Charni Road is the closest station). Please note that you have to be above the age of 21 to attend GB parties. Please carry proof of age with you: a driving license, college identity card, etc. YOU WILL NOT BE ADMITTED IF YOU ARE BELOW THE AGE OF 21! The Cover Charge includes: . In-house DJ and a dance floor which would play a mix of Bollywood as well as English Rock and with a Separate Lounge which will only play English Retro and Rock 2. Light snacks like wafers, peanuts, etc 3. 4 small Drinks with mixers, or 4. 2 Beer Pints, or 5. 2 Bacardi Breezers/Mocktails, or 6. 4 Soft Drinks/Mineral Water. Extra drinks will be sold at Rs 50/- to Rs 100/- per drink. Dinner will not be served. Extra food items can be ordered as per the menu rates. Some don'ts: This is a comfort/safe space for everyone. Many people at the event may be newbies (those still coming to terms with their sexuality and/or those who have mustered the courage to come to such an event for the first time). We request you to be sensitive to the comfort levels of others and to behave and dress accordingly. No dark rooms and no sex and absolutely no drugs on the premises; if found indulging in any hanky panky you shall be asked to leave the party. Pls respect the safe space which is being provided. A special REQUEST: During and after the party please DO NOT gather outside the venue. The management has requested us to ensure that, in the middle of the night, the peace of the neighbourhood is not disturbed. A few dos: Have a smashing time. Carry your Alcoholic Drinks Permit. Rights of admission reserved. Regards Luv Dee - Sent from Yahoo! Mail. A Smarter Inbox.
g_b Gujarat campus takes a 'gay' turn
Gujarat campus takes a 'gay' turn Radha Sharma Raheel Dhattiwala ,TNN AHMEDABAD: Gone are the days when 'bird-watching' was the only obsession on campus hostels. Who needs babes when the young get experimental with people of their own sex? Playing homosexual games, ragging along gay lines and even chance homosexual encounters by otherwise straight boys and girls have become commonplace in hostels as homosexuality is fast ceasing to be a dirty word. Ask boys in the Gujarat University hostel and they tell you how one of the most popular party games for guys is one where they compare and feel body parts. A student of NHL Medical College narrates how he gets patted by senior students all the time. I like pursuing girls but have to deal with guys hitting on me all the time. A resident doctor once tried to get up close inside the operation theatre. It's getting part of hostel life now, he says. A recent study by BJ Medical College students titled 'Profiling sexual attitude and practices of youth' conducted on 200 students in premier colleges like National Institute of Design (NID), LD Engineering College, among others, revealed that 7% conceded they were bisexuals. Of the respondents, 38% boys and 44% girls said homosexuality was normal. Around 50% conceded their behaviour would not change if they came to know a person was homosexual. Significantly, 75% said homosexuality should be included in formal sexual education. For some, it gets serious. A student leader told TOI that recently a girl from a reputed university in Ahmedabad consumed poison after she was forced to live away from her same-sex partner in her hostel room. Apparently, her parents had brought about the separation. Students in hostels are more likely to accept a different sexual orientation these days even if society doesn't. Homosexuality has become more acceptable, agrees Vinay Tomar, Ahmedabad city president, National Students' Union of India. The youth are basically getting more experimental. Most of the homosexual encounters in the young have roots in experiments and not in pathological homosexuality, says psychiatrist Hansal Bhachech. - You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost.
Re: g_b TOI Pune: Shying away from supporting gays (Part 2)
Hi where can I get to read Bundumadhav's book 'Indradhanu' to read or to buy? He is a very good writer and I have read his book 'Partner'. regds, Jayaram - Original Message From: Nitin Karani [EMAIL PROTECTED] To: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [EMAIL PROTECTED]; [EMAIL PROTECTED] [EMAIL PROTECTED]; gay_bombay@yahoogroups.com gay_bombay@yahoogroups.com; [EMAIL PROTECTED] [EMAIL PROTECTED]; [EMAIL PROTECTED] [EMAIL PROTECTED] Sent: Friday, 28 March, 2008 6:54:09 PM Subject: g_b TOI Pune: Shying away from supporting gays (Part 2) And here's the other part of the story which I was unaware about until Zameer (thansk Zameer) pointed this out. Cheers Nitin. - Most politicians unaware that gay movement exists Radheshyam Jadhav | TNN Pune: Gay activists across the nation are joining hands to intensify the agitation against Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code, which outlaws homosexualilty and says it shall be punished with imprisonment for life or with a term that may extend to 10 years. Zameer Kamble, who has developed a 'self esteem model' for homosexuals and is conducting regular workshops, says more men need to come out in the open. We will definitely need political support for the movement. But first, we are trying to create self esteem among the gay population in Pune. A majority of us, however, prefer to remain in the closet, he says. If the matter has to be raised in Parliament, the support of politicians is necessary, says Zameer. But politicians will support us only if the common people are with us, he adds. Ask politicians about the movement and they are taken aback. Not a single politico wants to speak on the matter and many of them are not aware of a gay movement. We don't want to land in unnecessary trouble, said a leader of a national political party. Vinay, whose partner was transferred to Kolkata recently, says, If I am a citizen of this country, why are my problems neglected? I want to marry a person of the same gender, but the country's law doesn't permit me to do so. It is very difficult to get one consistent partner and it is emotionally destroying many of us. We are not criminals. Treat us as human beings and respect our rights. Meanwhile, gay activists in Pune are inventing various ways to reach the people. Software professional Bindumadhav Khire, who runs Sampathik, an organisation for men's sexual health, has written a Marathi book, 'Indradhanu' , which discusses homosexuality in detail, while Zameer has written a Marathi play on the lives of gay people, which will be staged soon. Link is: http://epaper. timesofindia. com/Daily/ skins/TOI/ navigator. asp?Daily= TOIPUlogin=defaultAW=1206709309031 On 3/27/08, Nitin Karani nitin.karani@ gmail.com wrote: http://timesofindia .indiatimes. com/Pune/ Shying_away_ from_supporting_ gays/articleshow /2903128. cms 27 Mar 2008, 0452 hrs IST,Radheshyam Jadhav,TNN PUNE: Generally, politicians would not miss an opportunity to enter any movement and, if possible, hijack it to gain political mileage. But not this one for sure. Politicians are scurrying for cover with gay activists seeking their support to the movement against 'outdated' Section 377 of the IPC, framed in 1860, which defines homosexuality as a crime. In Pune, gay activists are mustering support at individual and mass level to scrap section 377. Basically, there is need for a political will to scrap the outdated section. We need political support, but they are not responding to our appeal, says software professional Bindumadhav Khire, who is a homosexual and runs Sampathik, an organisation for men's sexual health. Khire says gays are fighting legal battles against section 377. What we need is the support of politicians and common people. We want to approach people and inform that gays are not someone out of the world. We are the same people as you are says Khire. Gays across the nation are joining hands to intensify the agitation against section 377, which says that whoever has carnal intercourse against the order of nature with any man, woman or animal, shall be punished with imprisonment for life or with a term that may extend to 10 years, and shall also be liable to a fine. Pune is witnessing an increasing population of same-sex couples, says Khire, adding, At a time when a large number of countries have legalised gay and lesbian rights, why homosexuality is a crime in India? -- My blog's at: http://queerindia. blogspot. com You can leave me a voice message from any phone at http://www.jaxtr. com/nitinkarani No call charges apply. -- My blog's at: http://queerindia. blogspot. com You can leave me a voice message from any phone at http://www.jaxtr. com/nitinkarani No call charges apply. Forgot the famous last words? Access your message archive online at http://in.messenger.yahoo.com/webmessengerpromo.php
