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PAS : KE ARAH PEMERINTAHAN ISLAM YANG ADIL
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> Assalamualaikum..
article ni dari ul-muslimah mailinglist.. tentang pengalaman seorang
muslim sister yg baru 10 bulan memeluk Islam, berusia 54 thn,
men'arrange-marriage' seorang newly convert sister.. BACA lah..
I learn a very good lesson from this article.. some of the quest ask
is applicable.. boleh digunakan utk kegunaan masa depan.. ;)..
kalau nak beri respond.. boleh email direct to sis widad , 'Linda D.
Delgado' [EMAIL PROTECTED] <mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
btw, I've read a lot of her writing.. it's touch me somewhere
somehow.. the love that she's trying to spread to all muslim sisters
is really ... masya Allah..
p/s : DV = domestic violent..
**********
[U-M] Finding Out About Husband-to-be<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns =
"urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
As salaamu'aleikum
Dear sisters
I have been reading the posts about DV and also about finding a good
Muslim husband. I want to tell all of you about a recent experience I
had that involved checking out a prospective husband-to-be for a sister
who requested my help. I conducted a "mini" investigation using prior
police investigative techniques tempered with posing Islamically
correct questions to the brother.
This may be a little long so please bear with me.
About 4 months ago a sister at our masjid called and asked me to help
a young woman who was talking about reverting to Islam. Because of
this... her friend/landlady requested she move immediately (no lease
agreement). I met the young woman and ended up finding her an apartment
in my city, near the masjid, and getting her moved. I bought her an
abeya and hijab and took her to a Fundamentals of Islam class. The
first day we were at the masjid, she said shaddah! Praise Allah!
We stayed in close contact and became good friends during the next
two months. One evening she called me and said she was thinking about
getting married. (She recently divorced a horrible christian husband
when she was a christian and they had lived apart for four years). She
asked my advice. After checking with a sister friend (20+ years Muslim
and well traveled in many Islamic countries), I counseled her to learn
more about Islam, attend her classes and meet more sisters at our
masjid before taking such a serious step.
The second week of Ramadan the sister called me and told me she had
met a brother on the Internet who lived in California and who was
interested in getting married. She told me they had been corresponding
for several weeks and the brother had called her several times. They
had even exchanged pictures via the Internet. The sister asked me to
represent her in any meetings/discussions. I agreed and told her I
would take on the task of looking out for her best interests. She
agreed not to give an answer right away and to give me some time (2
weeks!).
I have only been Muslim 10 months so I panicked!!!!!!!!!!! :) First I
said dua for several hours and then called my sister-mentor for advice
and help. ( I did not use any names in any discussions).
Next I got busy on the Internet and read dozens of articles/hadith/
etc. and also researched our Quran. I learned that the brother was a
good friend of our Shiek so arrangements were made for me to interview
the Shiek concerning the brother (no one else knew this brother).
I got permission from the brother to send him e-mails with questions
and he agreed to answer each question honestly. Next I sent the sister
and brother many articles about marriage and requested they tell me
what they thought about each (via e-mail).
I learned that the brother was a Jordan-Arab-Christian before
becomming Muslim 9 years ago. All his family are Jordan
-Arab-Christians from a northern tribe in Jordan. His parents moved to
the USA to get him away from Muslims in Jordan, but he found Muslims in
the USA and reverted despite his immidate and tribal family objections.
He advised that his family would not be happy about him marrying a
divorced Muslim woman.
Here I will break in the story to list questions that I asked the
brother and the Shiek (the Shiek thought I was to bold in my
questioning, none-the-less, he responded to my questions).
1. Are you an American citizen, plan to become one or do you have a
legal right to work and be in the US
2.Where do you work and how long have you been employed there.
3. What are the names of two of your friends and may I contact them
to inquire about your faithfulness to say prayer, read the Quran, give
to charity, etc., etc.
4.How do you feel about the sister not being virgin?
5.Do you speak and read the Quran in Arabic?
6.Will you teach the sister arabic and how to pray?
7.What activities do you enjoy when not at work, prayer or at the
masjid?
8.Do you have a checking account? If yes, will the sister share this
account? Who will buy food, clothes and pay the household expenses?
9.Will you need the sister to work after marriage? If not, can the
sister work if she wants too?
10. Will you move to Arizona or will you move the sister to
California?
11. Why are you in a hurry to marry during Ramadan? ( I asked that he
come to meet the sister first, then maybe marry during or after Eid)
12.When will you introduce the sister to your family?
13. How will you respond if they ignore her or are mean spirited to
her?
14. Will you also get married in a civil ceremony and when do you
plan to do this?
>
15.When do you plan to meet the sister's family?
16.Will you agree that the sister and any children you both have
should visit her parents at least every year while you live in the US
and every 2-3 years if you move back to Jordan (the brother to agree to
pay this expense)?
17.What do you think about all the reports of domestic violence
against sisters by their Muslim husbands?
18. If you would divorce in the future, do you feel you are
responsible to pay your children's expenses?
19.What will you give the sister for her dowery?
20. Do you think children should be spanked when they disobey?
21.What does the Quran say are the husband rights?
22.What does the Quran say are the wife's rights?
23.If your wife made a big mistake or displeased you, how would you
tell her about this? What would you do?
>
24.What does the Quran say about Muslim women covering themselves?
25.If the sister wanted to attend college to become a teacher or
nurse or computer professional, would you support her and pay for this
schooling?
>
26.How do you expect the sister to manage your household?
27.Have you ever been married before? Are you married now? What are
your feelings about a second, third... wife?
You told me you thought the sister was beautiful. Please explain what
her beauty is to you.
28. What masjid do you attend in California? Who is the Sheik there
and could I contact him?
There were several other questions and discussions. Finally a date
was agreed on for the brother to travel to Arizona to meet the sister
at
the Sheik's office in the masjid. The sister and I arranged to meet
with
him and the Sheik to discuss the dowery and anything else which any of
us felt was important to say or ask.
At the earlier meeting with the Sheik, sister and myself the Sheik
offered these comments as well as answered my questions: The Sheik told
the sister that if he had a daughter of marriageable age, he would want
her to marry the brother. He said the brother was a kind person and
good Muslim. He told us that the brother was helping his parents
financially, even though they were many times unkind to him because he
was Muslim. He told the sister that the only problems that could occur
might be from their different cultures. I suggested the sister and
brother have some discussions on this topic. The Sheik said that maybe
they could meet first and then wait a week or so and if they wanted to
marry then they should.
The day before the meeting with the brother and Sheik, the sister
called me and said she and the brother had decided to get married after
our meeting. She said she still wanted me to be there. The brother did
too although some of my questions had been very probing and he was just
a little put out that I had asked so many. (I contacted him and
explained that if the sister had a Muslim family/father/brother/Uncle,
etc. that they probably would have done even more checking and that I
had a duty to the sister and to him. He told me that he understood and
said he had prayed to Allah that Allah reward me for the love and care
of the sister I had shown.
He asked me why I wanted to delay the wedding. I said I felt he was
in error for occuppying the sisters time and thoughts with marriage
during Ramadan as this was a special time to have our thoughts and
deeds dedicated to Allah. That this was the sister's first Ramadan and
it should be very special and a time of learning and discovery. The
brother was most contrite and agreed with me and said he was
responsible not the sister as the sister was so new to Islam and he
agreed that my objections were very valid. He said he would be extra
patient in teaching the sister prayers and about Islam to make up
for his error. (He said he wanted to marry soon before other brothers
might ask her because she was such a kind and beautiful person and one
who he believed loved Allah and Islam)
Well the night came for the meeting... turned into wedding. Several
sisters that had come to know the sister to be married attended the
meeting and wedding with me. (my request) The brother was generous. He
gave her a gold and diamond ring, $5,500.00 in cash and a promise to
teach her how to pray and how to read the Quran in Arabic as her
dowery!
The sister is a very shy, homebody type who loves to cook, read and
make her own clothes. Both love to visit museums, read and spend time
helping at the masjid! He seemed quite kind and exhibited excellent
manners. (Scurrying to get chairs for all the sisters I brought to
attend the wedding!) Since the wedding they have invited me to lunch,
sent me thank-yous, etc. The sister has told me she is quite happy.
Recently her cat became ill and he immediately took it to the vet. It
had cancer and had to be put to sleep. He paid for everything and also
promised her a new pet. He will be moving to Arizona this month.
Sisters this was a very difficult job for me to do because I am so
new to Islam. Upon reflection I am grateful to Allah for this
opportunity to learn more and help a sister. Also it is my opinion that
any sister who is thinking about marriage should get a "knowledgable"
sister to represent her and do as I did (probably better! :). I think
this is important in a non Muslim country and especially if the sister
does not have a Muslim family to guide and protect her. I was most
fortunate to have a good sister-mentor to help me also!
If this helps any sister then all praise is Allah's and if I made
errors then the fault is all mine.
Widad
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