Ok, the story behind this... There's this wacked out guy who digs things out of
his backyard and
sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labelling them with
scientific names,
insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing
about these letters
is that this guy really exists! Anyway... here's a letter from the Smithsonian
Institute after
he sent them a Barbie doll head.
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled 211-D, layer
seven, next to the
clothesline post. Hominid skull. We have given this specimen a careful and
detailed
examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it
represents
conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million
years ago.
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of
the variety one of
our staff, who has small children, believes to be the Malibu Barbie. It is
evident that you
have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you
may be quite
certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field
were loathe to come
to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a
number of physical
attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern
origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically
fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters,
well below the
threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the
common domesticated
dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate
roamed the wetlands
during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing
hypotheses you
have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to
weigh rather
heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to
have the specimen
carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's
normal
operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
recent geologic
record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to
1956 AD, and carbon
dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny
your request
that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with
the concept of
assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino.
Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your
proposed
taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected
was hyphenated,
and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen
to the museum.
While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another
riveting example
of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You
should know that our
Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the
specimens you
have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates
daily on what you
will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back
yard. We eagerly
anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last
letter, and several
of us are pressing the Director to pay for it.
We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories
surrounding the
trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that
makes the excellent
juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive
appearance of a
rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
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