Does someone know what these things mean?
Hi.
This text is translated thanks to google translate. I know some English, but I am so broken inside that I do not see myself able to write in a language other than mine. Also, I have done my best to translate it or try to make the sentences look good in English, since I am not a native speaker of this language. Read at your own risk.
Also, If moderators think this thread is inappropriate, feel free to delete it. I hope that these types of thoughts do not progress in my brain and that everything goes well in my future. Again, read at your own risk.
And with all that clarified, let's get started, I guess.
Yes, the truth is that my life was much, much better before this pandemic. It might be that my family is rampaging too much at home and I'm just one more crazy person writing, but ... I don't feel it that way.
I am gradually losing the purpose of living. And that terrifies me, terrifies me too much. I don't want to die. But I don't see the meaning of life either, at least not now. This is all I have.
I have a scholarship at the best university in the country. What is it for me, if it is only 50%, my mother lost her job, my father does not receive clients and we will most likely have to migrate?
I have a little sister, whom I love with my soul. What use is it if my mother always hurts me whenever there are problems between her (my mother) and me?
I have a mother who loves me, who is with me through thick and thin. What use is it to me if it happens to me every time a problem that does not depend on me happens and starts yelling at me?
I have cousins that I also love, but that time has changed. One is now a tsundere and lives on his phone, the other a total bum and a failure who does exactly the same as his dad, and between them my mother doesn't know what to do. Also, many times I am busy with homework or university classes, my mother leaves my little sister with them and because they are on their cell phones they do not take care of her (my sister). What is the use of having them, if by allowing them to stay in my house they pay me like this?
I have friends. 3 friends. In my whole life. It's been a long time since I left the English community for the Spanish and I am trying to return, but almost without success due to lack of time to participate in teamtalk conferences, games or things they organize.
Going back to the friends. I have 3 friends. Or at least I think they are friends. What use are they to me if we almost do not agree, I think they make me believe that they are my friends because of my disability and also they consume a lot of drugs?
I have a band. A band that nobody knows, that doesn't sound in raves nor in radios and whose three secondary members are not musicians by profession but empirical. How can that expand my musical career?
I have an ensemble, an ensemble with which I improvise Jazz and Blues from time to time. What use is it to me if many times they are untimely or they do not arrive, we only improvise every Thursday and there are days that we do not?
I have a musical career. A Failed musical career. I have x presentations that have come out throughout my life, three trophies for first place and the damned scholarship. What use is it to me if I can't do what I dream because of lack of money in my family?
I have songs composed, that sound great. But nobody likes them (or I do think that nobody likes them) and they don't even sound on youtube. What use are they if I want to conquer the world with them?
I do not have friends, of the opposite gender I mean. I suppose that my repetitive negativity, my disability or my visual appearance make them move away. I know I'm not the most handsome, but I don't try to attract them either. The only best friend I had I lost her because I was stupid and I fell in love with her, to which she replied no and left my side. The rest have stayed two weeks and then leave. There are others who have stayed days or even hours and left as well.
I have not had a girlfriend. Again, I think that everything described above is what prevents me from having it. I lie, I actually had 3 but I don't know whether to count them considering that one was physical and cheated on me with my best friend back then, and two were virtual and both cheated on me too.
I have not had long-lasting relationships. My longest relationship has been 8 months exaggerating it, because at 6 months the relationship ended and we were pulling and pulling again two more months until the rope broke.
I have not had ... intimate relationships. Once again, damn me, damn my body or damn my negativity. Go, damn my heart. The opportunity simply has not been given and I am more than sure that my appearance and my disability have something to do. It's not that I'm not well dressed, in fact I try to dress myself as best as possible, it's just that ... I don't know what it really is.
If someone can tell me what these things mean to him or her, I will be very grateful because I do not understand them, I no longer understand what they are for me. I swear I haven't had these kinds of thoughts in my life, and I honestly panic and don't want to have them. I'm scared to death because I don't want to die, but I don't see the meaning of living. At least, not to live this way.
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