-Caveat Lector- ---------------------------------------------------------------- Jeff Rense Weekly E-News ---------------------------------------------------------------- The Week Ahead 12-5-99 thru 12-11-99 Guests, Announcements, Week's Top Stories From sightings.com Jeff Rense E-News is distributed exclusively by Free Subscription. --<>-- --<<<+>>>-- --<>-- * FROM JEFF'S DESK * If you have ever received an aggravating email chain letter, the following commentary/rant will probably be fun... (note: the expletives and racy words have been sanitized in this version) Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send this email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, every Playboy Bunny in the magazine'll visit me! What a bunch of B.S.! So, basically, this message is a big ***** to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and terrorize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a Nickel from some "omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't give a damn! Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity. THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS: Chain Letter Type 1: (scroll down) Make a wish!!! Keep Scrolling No, really, go on and make one!!! Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!! Wish something else!!! Not that, you pervert!! STOP!!!! Wasn't that fun? :) Hope you made a great wish :) Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be assaulted by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes: *Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. *Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. *Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life. *Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!! Chain Letter Type 2 Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of B.S. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!! Chain Letter Type 3 Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad jerks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works... Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like: *Bizarre Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!! *Bizarre Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay. Chain Letter Type 4 As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to all your friends. FRIENDS: A friend is someone who is always at your side. A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of poop, and your breath smells like you've been eating catfood. A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of road apples. A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself. A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life. A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be mugged by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs. A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English... no, sorry that's the cleaning lady. A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true. Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again! The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right? Now forward this to everyone that you know otherwise you'll find all your knickers missing tomorrow morning. *************************************** and wot's more!!!.... Horseback Riding I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot got caught up in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder and harder, and the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it. Thank God for heroes! --<>-- --<<<+>>>-- --<>-- "To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it- -but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes --<>-- --<<<+>>>-- --<>-- The Books of Enoch The books of Enoch were hidden. Why? Knowledge of the past....? "11 And the women conceiving brought forth giants,12 Whose stature was each three hundred cubits. These devoured all which the labor of men produced; until it became impossible to feed them; 13 When they turned themselves against men, in order to devour them; - I Enoch 7: 11-13 Or is it for the knowledge of the future in them....? http://www.immunotex.com/books/enoch/ --<>-- --<<<+>>>-- --<>-- * TOP STORIES * Just a few of last week's most intriguing! http://www.sightings.com * Did The Military Train Seattle Police? * 'Paid Demonstrator' Claims From Seattle * Cattle Mutilations Continue In New Mexico * Enormous Gene Breakthrough - Entire Human Chromosome Mapped * Bill To Hillary:'No Way I'm Going To Be Your First Lady' - Divorce Said Coming * More Top AF Pilots Said Resigned Over Anthrax Vaccinations * Acupuncture Conclusively Shown To Reduce Pain * Genetically-Modified Corn Leaves Deadly Toxin In Soil * The Storm Drain Shot And More Evidence Of Zapruder Film Tampering * People Underestimate Their Damage To Our Oceans * Y2K - Iran Warns Its People Of Breakdown Of Public Services * Y2K - IEA Plans For Emergency Oil Sales And Rationing...Just In Case * Don't Pick Up That Phone To Ring In The New Year * China's New Stealth Missile Could Nuke US Without Warning * Promising Cancer Therapy Uses Nuclear Waste * New Technique Squeezes More Radio Commercials Into Each Hour * Y2K - Clinton Set To Declare National Emergency - 50+ Crises Expected * Visitors Now & Forever - Part I, II, III & IV * Science Rediscovering Electric & Magnetic Fields For Healing & Health * Cell Phone Technology Killing Songbirds, Too * Great Secrets Of The 20th Century * Russian Military Taking Over - Perilous Days For US Ahead * Aerial Mind Control Technology Used On Americans? * Five New Planets Founds Which Could Support Life Read the entire text of these stories and more at http://www.sightings.com --<>-- --<<<+>>>-- --<>-- They said the earth was flat. Now they say it's solid. How come? They know better... Hollow Planets: http://www.immunotex.com/books/agharta/ --<>-- --<<<+>>>-- --<>-- * THIS WEEK'S GUESTS * 12-12 Thru 12-18 (Please note Jeff's Guest schedule can change due to late breaking stories, etc) SUN 12-12 Nancy Talbott: Science And Crop Circles MON 12-13 Anna Hayes: The Guardian Teachings Charles Phillips: Y2K - The View From DC TUE 12-14 From Australia: Dianne Harrison: Oz UFO Report From London: Uri Geller WED 12-15 Ed Pankau: Hide Your Assets And Disappear! THU 12-16 Geri Guidetti: Y2K - 22 Shopping Days Left Roy Butler: Solar Power Options Scott Sperry: Emergency Food FRI 12-17 Brad Steiger: Paranormal Holidays Live Real Audio Broadcasts & Archives: http://www.sightings.com --<>-- --<<<+>>>-- --<>-- Hidden Prophecies for the New Millennium By Merlynn Starr A book that ties together prophecies of the age from the Bible, Indians, New Age Movement, the Ancients and others! http://www.immunotex.com/books/hiddenprophecies/ --<>-- --<<<+>>>-- --<>-- * PROGRAM INFORMATION * Program Show Times Live Coast-To-Coast Monday-Friday 7-10pm Pacific 10-1am Eastern Sundays 8-11pm Pacific 11-2am Eastern Call in Line: 800 TRN 4123 Program Transcripts at http://www.immunotex.com/rense/ Sightings Artwork/Neff Galleries/Webmastering: http://www.anc.net/~neff/ Program Audio Tapes 888 456-4340 Live Real Audio Broadcasts & Archives http://www.sightings.com Advertising-Over 3 MILLION visitors to sightings.com each month Cost effective exposure for YOUR product or service mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]?Subject=Advertising Sightings.com info/email center http://www.sightings.com/1.mail/infocenter.html Jeff Rense Y2K RESOURCE CENTER http://www.sightings.com/y2kresource/y2k1r.html Discussion Forum http://www3.bravenet.com/forum/show.asp?userid=hj135985 Free Greeting Cards featuring the artwork of James Neff: http://www.immunotex.com/rense/cards/cards.html --<>-- --<<<+>>>-- --<>-- Share with your friends! 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