-Caveat Lector-
Lupus Blister loved the freedom of his new assignment. He
was no longer anchored to Washington; he could now fly to
faraway exotic places and interview the most interesting
newsmakers of the day.
Lupus had come down to Texas to cover the transition and feel
the excitement of a new Administration in the making. He agreed
with many observers that diversity was the order of the day: for
example, the Metropolitan Abdullah Ishihara was the first Japanese-
Arab to be included in a Russian cabinet. On the other hand, Lupus
agreed with the opposition who were griping about the same tired
old faces, like Jimmy Bob Ewing who was taking over the Ministry
of Foreign Affairs. But the worst problem with the Imperial
Cabinet, as far as Lupus could see, was nepotism and cronyism.
The Czar had appointed his own daughter, Her Imperial Highness,
the Princess Fyodora Nikolayevna, as Minister for Sport. The
Czarina's shopping partner Umm Yahya wound up as Minister of
Women's Affairs.
Lupus Blister: "Good evening. Tonight I am reporting from
Mosquitoes, Texas, where I am covering the transition to the new
Imperial Government of Russia. We were not granted an interview
with His Imperial Majesty Nicholas III at the Catholic Protest
compound on the flimsy excuse that CNN could not provide a
Thessalian interpreter on such a short notice. In any case, we have
with us two experts on Catholic Protest and on the self-proclaimed
Czar of All the Russias. I am pleased to introduce to you Rabbi
Eric Atlas of Congregation B'nai Tubal-Cain in west Mosquitoes
and Captain Zulfikar "Zodiac" Zolkoski of the Mosquitoes Police
Department (MPD), who is also a recognized expert on Multiple
Personality Disorder (MPD). Rabbi Atlas, what do you make of
the new Imperial Cabinet?"
Rabbi Atlas: "Thank you, Lupus, for the opportunity to expose
this abomination to your great audience. I would say that the main
moving force behind these machinations is Kansan1225, who has,
of course, found himself the Prime Minister of this new
Government. Kansan, you may say, is the Rasputin of this new
Czar. He deals in faulty logic and faulty theology. In his new
book, "Al-Kitab al-Thalith al-Kansan al-Riyadhi", that is "The Third
Book of Kansan from Riyadh", he makes the claim that he is the
New Messenger of Jesus, the Son of God. This statement, of
course, is an outright blasphemy in Judaism and Islam. Christians,
too, should be outraged at the book's presumptuous sub-title, "Acts
of Kansan1225".
Lupus Blister: "Rabbi, I am impressed by your Arabic
pronunciation."
Rabbi Atlas: "We at the Mossad, uh, I mean the ADL, have the
utmost respect for our Arab cousins and their donkeys. We do
learn Arabic; after all, Hebrew and Arabic are very close."
Captain "Zodiac": "Kansan likes to use a sprinkling of faux
Arabique in his pronouncements to impart an air of
cosmopolitanism to them. However, in his sordid life he has mostly
associated with the lowest forms of life known to humanity, anti-
Semites, anti-fluoridation activists, and Mary Kay distributors."
Lupus Blister: "Captain, tell us, what do Law Enforcements
Organizations (LEO) have on the self-proclaimed Czar?"
Captain "Zodiac": "This fraud, this Thessalian adventurer,
Nikolaos Kafetzis, or Kafetzopoulos, has had a very checkered
career. In Moscow he was known as Tovarich Nikolai
Alexandrovich Kafeyev. In Istanbul he passed as Kahveji Efendi.
His Saudi identity card listed him as al-Doktor Niqoulas bin
Iskender al-Kahwaji. My Saudi LEO liaison, Inspector Farouq Al-
Qaseemi (FAQ), reports that Dr. K's first house in Riyadh was a
block away from the Office of the American Program Manager for
the Saudi National Guard. It seems that Dr. K was casing the place
out and then he moved. Then, on November 13, 1995, a car bomb
demolished that Office, killing some five Americans. LEO suspect
that Dr. K had persuaded Osama Bin Laden to stage that attack on
the 13th day of November to make it seem like a Masonic-inspired
conspiracy.
"Then, on June 25, 1996, a truck bomb in Al-Khobar
demolished a housing structure at the base there, killing some
nineteen Americans. Again, you see, June 25 is 6/25, and 6 + 2 + 5
= 13, another Kansan-provided "Masonic" hoofprint. FAQ reports
that as Saudi investigators were closing in on Dr. K, he left Saudi
Arabia suddenly in July 1998 to surface in Texas."
Lupus Blister: "What kind of an appeal do Kansan's conspiracy
theories have?"
Captain "Zodiac": "His appeal is very, very limited. His fans
tend to be the left-wing readers of the magazine "The Nation", the
right-wing wackos who read "The Spotlight", and German
revanchists like Heidi Klum."
Rabbi Atlas: "If we believe Kansan, the pillars of our society
are all clandestine Luciferian Masons (CLuMs): George W. Bush a
CLuM, Al Gore a CLuM, Pat Robertson a CLuM, Yasser Arafat a
CLuM, Ehud Barak a CLuM, Pope John Paul II a CLuM. You,
too, Lupus, a CLuM. By the way, who is going to play your part in
the movie version of 'Fight all CLuMs and especially P. & U.K.E.'?"
Lupus Blister: "I hear that Richard Dreyfuss is dying to play
me."
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