-Caveat Lector- Forwarded message: >Election: Parody News Releasee > >Saturday at 1 pm, the local Republican Party gathered at the State >Capitol to condemn the messy and uncertain process of counting >votes. The keynote speaker was Chad Worthlessness, PhD, of the >Institute for Fuzzy Math. > >"How do we really know anything?" he asked. "Certainly, two was larger >than one the last time we checked, but how can we be sure that will be >the case the next time? > >"Heisenbergs Uncertainty Principle demonstrates that the more we know >about one thing, the less we know about another, and therefore >counting votes introduces an unnecessary element of uncertainty into >the outcome of an election. Don't get me wrong, I am not against >voting, I simply realize that it is an unforgivable mistake to >actually count more than a few of those votes. > >" Since it has been scietifically demonstrated in our laboratories, >using very expensive equipment with names you could never pronounce, >that the only thing that can actually be counted with any accusracy is >money, we at the Institute for Fuzzy Math reccomend that a more >accurate method of determining the winner of any election would be to >add up the campaign spending of each candidate, and declare the >Republican the winner." > >He was followed by Adam Dumkopf of the Pomeranian Innumerati, a secret >society formed in the 19th century for the purpose of steering history >down as many blind alleys as possible. > >To the cheers of the small crowd, Dumkopf said, "What is this counting >stuff anyway? Why can't people simply follow orders the way they are >supposed to?" > >Hawaii Republican Party Chair Linda Lingle then gave a speech pointing >out that the governorship of Hawaii had been stolen from her by the >same barbaric practice of counting votes that was now being proposed >by Vice President Gore in Florida. > >"Without this inconvenient and unfair practice of counting," Lingle >said, "I would be Maximum Supreme Leader of the Hawaiian Reich >today. It is unfair that our strength should be restrained by the will >of the weak and decent. We must destroy them!" > >Dale Gardiner of the Voting Integrity Project then spoke, warning, "We >know who you are and how you voted. Do not expect to escape the wrath >of God!" > >With only a couple of minutes of prompting, the crowd broke into a >spontaneous chant of "We can't count, why should you?" and chased a >couple of hapless democracy advocates from the Capitol grounds. <A HREF="http://www.ctrl.org/">www.ctrl.org</A> DECLARATION & DISCLAIMER ========== CTRL is a discussion & informational exchange list. Proselytizing propagandic screeds are unwelcomed. Substance—not soap-boxing—please! These are sordid matters and 'conspiracy theory'—with its many half-truths, mis- directions and outright frauds—is used politically by different groups with major and minor effects spread throughout the spectrum of time and thought. That being said, CTRLgives no endorsement to the validity of posts, and always suggests to readers; be wary of what you read. CTRL gives no credence to Holocaust denial and nazi's need not apply. Let us please be civil and as always, Caveat Lector. ======================================================================== Archives Available at: http://peach.ease.lsoft.com/archives/ctrl.html <A HREF="http://peach.ease.lsoft.com/archives/ctrl.html">Archives of [EMAIL PROTECTED]</A> http:[EMAIL PROTECTED]/ <A HREF="http:[EMAIL PROTECTED]/">ctrl</A> ======================================================================== To subscribe to Conspiracy Theory Research List[CTRL] send email: SUBSCRIBE CTRL [to:] [EMAIL PROTECTED] To UNsubscribe to Conspiracy Theory Research List[CTRL] send email: SIGNOFF CTRL [to:] [EMAIL PROTECTED] Om
