-Caveat Lector-
This story is dedicated to the memory of the late Doc Barry,
Affectionately A.K.A., Tonto Goldberg
(May he live in Eternal Bliss)
-----
Dear Lord, Please Help Me Be The Person My Dogs Think I Am.
-----
ON Memorial Day In 1981 . . .
. . .I was sitting on a South West Air commuter plane that was
boarding. . .the plane home to Chicago. Suddenly, I saw the most
beautiful woman coming down the isle toward me. I figured she
had to be a model or a movie star. Absolutely gorgeous. She
walked slowly up the aisle, and finally sat IN THE SEAT NEXT TO
ME!
I tried to control myself, as this absolutely stunning woman
smiled at me, crossed her legs, and made herself comfortable. I
pretended to be interested in the magazine in my hands, but my
heart was pounding and I was starting to sweat.
She smiled at me when our eyes met as I glanced up from my
magazine. I'll never forget what she said.
"I suppose we'll soon be getting a bag of peanuts."
I was elated that this lovely woman had broken the ice. SHE WAS
ACTUALLY TALKING TO ME! In a muffled tone I replied, "Yes, the
flight attendant should be by with our in-flight meal-in-a-bag,
and drinks as soon as the seat belt light goes off (and, MAN,
did I need a few of the LATTER!)."
She not only looked great, the scent of her, her perfume was
intoxicating! I was desperate to start a conversation, but, I
was so taken with her beauty --truly the magnitude of which, in
my life, I had never before seen-- well, I couldn't even think
straight, let alone engauge in intelligent dialogue. It was
really rather pitiful. Here I was, a 24 year old man, totally
tongue tide like a little kid. . .SAD, to put it mildly.
Somehow, I finally got up the courage to blurt out, "Do you live
in Chicago?"
"No", she replied, "I'm heading there for 'The American
Psychiatric Association's Annual Conference on Female Sexual
Addiction Syndrome,' you know, formerly referred to as
Nymphomania."
I LITERALLY DROPPED MY MAGAZINE. Actually, it kinda flew outta
my hands. Looking back, I think the plane bounced up violently
due to turbulent air, or maybe I might have inadvertently thrown
the stinking thing a little:( Either way, she laughed!
"Are you kidding," I asked?
She looked right at me smiling and said, "Sounds funny, huh?
But, no, I'm quite serious. In fact, I'm Co-chairperson this
year and I will even be presenting the results of my own
research." She went right on, "You'd be amazed how serious and
wide spread this disorder really is. We have experts and
sufferers coming in from all over the world to speak and
participate, it's really quite a highly respected conference. . .
In fact, we're told it's one of the largest conferences to be
held at the McCormick Convention Center in Chicago this year."
Needless to say, I was not thinking straight at this particular
juncture in time. Hell, at this point I was truly contemplating
the possibility that I must have been dreaming, or that someone
somehow slipped drugs into that airport bar drink I had a bit
earlier. I remember even seriously entertaining a thought or two
about somehow being unknowingly transported into some wonderful
parallel universe, or something. . .maybe Twilight Zone Heaven?
At any rate, I somehow managed a quick reply. Trying with all my
might to be somewhat sober-looking, I asked, "What aspects of the
disorder do your research efforts involve?"
She came right back, "Well, actually, my presentation is called
'Nymphomania: Common False-hoods, Myths, and Misconceptions,' and
I go into some of the most common misunderstandings that many
medical professionals, sufferers, and lay persons, have regarding
and relating to this horribly insidious disease."
"Like," she said, "one interesting thing I found in my research.
. . .you know how most ppl think that the most genitally endowed
males are of the black race?"
Oh, MAN! I could not comprehend that this was REALLY happening!
She continued without hesitation, "Well, my research, as well as
my personal experience regarding this, definitely reveals that
this is an old wives tale, a myth."
She went on, "In fact, Native American Indian men significantly
stand out in this category."
I mean, REALLY! Like what the hell was I supposed to reply to
THAT??
Well, not knowing if she expected me to reply, or for that
matter, how to reply if she did expect a response, I proceeded to
just sit there, TOTALLY FROZEN, AND AT A TOTAL LOSS FOR WORDS,
hearing my heart pounding IN FEAR, for what seemed then AND NOW
like several minutes! And, she just calmly sat looking directly
into my eyes, serious as a heart attack, apparently waiting for
me to reply!
Well, after what seemed an eternity, I did the only thing I could
have without remaining frozen and stupid. I still find this part
unbelievable to this day. . .in fact, I seem to have truly
blocked this part totally out of my mind until I had a dream
recreating the ENTIRE conversation about 5 years ago, i.e.,
SELECTIVE MEMORY or something. . .you know, where you get Amnesia
and block out certain parts of HORRIBLE memories? Y'know what
I'm sayin'?
Believe it or not, I reflexively went back to my magazine!!!
CAN YOU IMAGINE?!?
After several seconds of regrouping DESPERATELY, I looked up at
her, she still looking at me, and asked, "What else will be taken
up at your convention?"
I guess it could have been worse, cuz again, she didn't miss a
beat. "Well," she said, "as far as my own research findings are
concerned, another common myth I realized in the course of my
research, one that I also mention in my talk, is that French men
are the greatest lovers." She continued adamantly, and seemingly
slightly annoyed, "This, too, is just pure myth."
She said, "As it turns out, the overwhelming consensus among the
hundreds of Female Sexual Addiction sufferers that I personally
interviewed, woman from all over the world, and my research
demonstrates conclusively and incontrovertibly that this IS true,
is that Jewish men are the best lovers."
I replied, this time keeping right in character. . .the character
of total dumb ass, "Wow, no kidding, that really IS interesting!"
I immediately threw in, "And, surprisingly unexpected, too."
Then she added, "Hey, here we've been chatting away about my
interests and research, and we haven't even really met." She
said, "My name is Dr. Linda Philanderess, but please. . .my
friends call me Lynn."
Still in character, and TOTALLY without thinking, I immediately
replied, "It is a real pleasure to meet you, Lynn. . .please call
me Mike, but my real name is Geronimo Horowitz."
BEYOND BELIEF? I know, but... :)
[Ladies, for your information, my Father's family is Orthodox
Jew, and my Great Grandfather on my Mother's side was full
Cherokee. . .and, my Mom always said that physically, I take
after the latter!]
Happy Memorial Day
And, let's give thanks today for all of the men and women
that worked and fought and died in American wars past,
and pray for those risking their lives for us currently.
=================================================================
Kaddish, Kaddish, Kaddish, YHVH, TZEVAOT
FROM THE DESK OF: <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
*Mike Spitzer* <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
~~~~~~~~ <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
The Best Way To Destroy Enemies Is To Change Them To Friends
Shalom, A Salaam Aleikum, and to all, A Good Day.
=================================================================
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