Yesterday afternoon a cluster-crab made an off-hand about 10 and 15
(or was it 17 15) being dead - to which I replied in a very
pythonesque manner. Well tonight, after a few choice single-malts,
the creative juices began to flow and pretty soon the following oozed
out of my brain and onto eHam's DXing forum.
---
QRPer from down the hill enters an office containing a counter with
an HF radio and microphone on it. A clerk is standing behind the counter.
QRPer: I wish to register a complaint!
Ofcom agent: Sorry, we're closed for lunch...
QRPer: Never mind that, ol' man, I wish to complain about 10 meters,
wot I got permission to use not half a year ago fom this very boutique.
Ofcom agent: Oh, yes, 10 meters. What's, uhwhat's wrong with it?
QRPer: I'll tell you what's wrong with it OM, It's DEAD, that's
what's wrong with it.
Ofcom agent: Oh no, it's resting.
QRPer: Look matey, I know a dead band when I hear one, and I'm
listening to one right now.
Ofcom agent: No no, it's not dead, it's restin'. Remarkable band, ten
metres...beautiful daylight coverage.
QRPer: The coverage don't enter into itit's stone dead.
Ofcom agent: no no no no, it's *resting*.
QRPer: ALLright then, if it's resting, I'll wake it up. CQ. CQ
TEN. I'M QRV BETWEEN LIGHTNING BOLTS ON CLIPPERTON ISLAND IF YOU'LL
WAKE UP, TEN METERS! (Ofcom agent quickly breaks out a bug and
oscillator and sends some fast CW)
Ofcom agent: There, that was a signal
QRPer: Not it wasn't, that was you sending on a practice oscillator.
Ofcom agent: I NEVER
QRPer Yes you did!
Ofcom agent: I did naugh...
QRPer: (quickly tuning the transmitter) S CUE TEN SCUE TEN!!!
QRZ TEN METERS! THIS IS YOUR DX WAKEUP CALL
(Turns up the AF gain and spins the VFO to only the sound of static).
QRPer: Now that's what I call a dead band.
Ofcom agent: No, no.no it's STUNNED.
QRPer: STUNNED?
Ofcom agent: Yeah, you stunned it just when you were tuning up. 10
meters stuns easily.
QRPer: Umnow look, mate, don't play the slippery eel with me.
That band is definitely deceased, and when I went QRV not six short
months ago, my Elmer assured me that its total lack of activity was
due to it bein' tired and shagged out following CQ World Wide.
Ofcom agent: Well, it's probably pining for sunspots.
QRPer: PININ' for SUNSPOTS??? What kind of talk is that and why did
it fall flat the moment I put my tower up?
Ofcom agent: 10 meters prefers keeping quiet like that. Remarkable
band, innit? Beautiful Daylight Coverage.
QRPer: Look tosh, I took the liberty of examining that band when the
TI9 was on, and I discovered that the only reason there were any
signals at all was because I was listening to other callers on ground wave.
Ofcom agent: Well of *course* you were hearing them ground wave.
Look, if there'd been any propagation at all they'd have all come in
long path, and VOOM.
QRPer: VOOM?
Ofcom agent: Voom.
QRPer: Mate, this band wouldn't voom if the solar flux was four
hundred thousand! It's bleedin' DEMISED!
Ofcom agent: No no, it's pining for sunsp
QRPer: It's not pining, it's passed on. It has ceased to be. It's a
wasteland just like 6 with no aurora! It's flatter than me 80 meter
dipole. If it hadn't been for ground wave I'd be hearing crickets.
It's off the dial, it's run down the coax and joined the bloody Palos
Verdes Sundancers. Vis-a-vis DX QSOs, this band's 'ad it's lot. All
statements to the effect of this band's being workable are from now
on inoperative. TEN METERS IS NOW QRT! (slams mic down on the desk)
Radio: CQ CQ CQ TEN VP8LP calling from the Falkland Islands, anybody,
anywhere, CQ CQ CQ CQ CQ (fades out).
QRPer: (astonished)
Ofcom agent: Right! (evil grin on his face; pull back to reveal the
Ofcom agent pull out a Wouff Hong and a Rettysnitch from behind the
counter and chases the QRPer out of the office and down the street).
---
(may be shamelessly copied eslewhere and modified to be funnier at
will, but please credit W2IRT)
Regards,
Peter,
W2IRT
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