Re: [-empyre-] thinking about Shani
--empyre- soft-skinned space--Oops - that last part should read "her promise to 'never to do artwork ABOUT myself or my disease...'," Robert On Sat, Feb 9, 2013 at 2:43 PM, Robert Nideffer wrote: > Wow. Beautifully written Antoinette. I literally broke down toward the > end, as you describe that transition point you sensed in her life/work. It > never felt a complete shift (from 'heroic resistance' to perhaps even more > 'heroic acceptance') to me, but more movement along a continuum, and I > think elements of both were there, in varying degrees, all along the way. > As many may know, she faced serious illness and the prospect of death very > early on at age 14, then again, and again. But I do think it's true that > her earlier work did not directly or overtly address that in terms of its > subject matter, though I often felt her intensity, method and approach to > it seemingly did. Ever since I knew her there always remained this tension > between the awareness of her death, and her need/will to resist it > (manifest up to the very end, even in little things like the Christmas > day dictation of a list of items to look for in the new apartment she was > determined to find, near quieter more open areas where Lucinha (her beloved > dog) would have more space to run free... at a point where I literally had > to carry her from place to place). But I agree, a very significant shift in > emphasis had happened with the Cost of Life project series, apparent in no > small part by her breaking her promise to 'never to do artwork myself or my > disease...', which, as I think I alluded to before, she did only because > she'd found a way to use herself as a subject without the work 'becoming > just about me.' > > You raise so much more to respond to -- the collective reconstruction of > one after their passing, the tension between the public and the private, > the less generous or "heroic" parts of one's character and their relevance > to that reconstruction and/or how they may figure into work -- but I'm > becoming self-conscious and would rather hear from others than myself. > > Robert > > > On Sat, Feb 9, 2013 at 11:40 AM, Antoinette LaFarge wrote: > >> --empyre- soft-skinned space-- >> Renate: >> >> Thank you for introducing us in this continuing conversation. I realized, >> shortly after agreeing to co-host a week on this forum, that I really have >> no idea how to ‘do’ public mourning. All the deaths in my life up to this >> point have either been essentially private, or have stood at a certain >> psychic distance, so that engaging with their passing through standard >> rituals was sufficient even if painful. With Shani it is different, since >> she was a friend and now I am to write about her publicly in the newness >> and confusions of grief. I have been very moved by what has been shared by >> everyone else so far, in such kindness and clarity. But what I am most >> aware of as I read these postings—as we slowly, through her words and ours, >> collect or assemble a shared Shani—is how much of the Shani I knew remains >> outside the picture. I had lunch the other day with two of Shani’s other >> west coast friends, and it was a long afternoon of loving and frank >> recollections that ranged from the value of her work to the difficulty of >> her personality and back. I cannot have that conversation here, so I am >> trying to stumble my way to the conversation I can have. One thing I do >> know is that I am unable to talk about “the work” apart from “the person”, >> because they are not separate in my own mind. >> >> I have been thinking, too, about how Robert mentioned that he now has >> access to Shani’s private documents and has been trying to walk a line >> between what could be made public and what shouldn’t, with Shani’s voice in >> his ear (what would she have wanted?). The extent and completeness of these >> kinds of documentation of a life is a phenomenon of the digital age. In >> helping to disassemble people’s houses after death, I have always found it >> especially jarring to come across things I sent them: long-forgotten >> letters, a favorite book. And there was always the sense of enormous burden >> and promise in the left-behind troves of a life’s work, boxes of papers or >> a studio full of paintings. But it was always somewhat fragmentary, and >> with respect to correspondence, missing half the context. Now there are >> terabytes upon terabytes of research projects in every possible digitized >> medium, and both sides of every correspondence, all in one place. There is >> an instant archive. I do not grudge Robert this close-up view of Shani’s >> life and work—in a way it seems like her last gift to him—but I am aware of >> this archive now as I never was before, as a kind of Aladdin’s cave, >> tempting me to think that the treasure and mystery of Shani is there, >> somewhere, rather than, say, in our memories and thoughts. I’m
Re: [-empyre-] thinking about Shani
--empyre- soft-skinned space--Wow. Beautifully written Antoinette. I literally broke down toward the end, as you describe that transition point you sensed in her life/work. It never felt a complete shift (from 'heroic resistance' to perhaps even more 'heroic acceptance') to me, but more movement along a continuum, and I think elements of both were there, in varying degrees, all along the way. As many may know, she faced serious illness and the prospect of death very early on at age 14, then again, and again. But I do think it's true that her earlier work did not directly or overtly address that in terms of its subject matter, though I often felt her intensity, method and approach to it seemingly did. Ever since I knew her there always remained this tension between the awareness of her death, and her need/will to resist it (manifest up to the very end, even in little things like the Christmas day dictation of a list of items to look for in the new apartment she was determined to find, near quieter more open areas where Lucinha (her beloved dog) would have more space to run free... at a point where I literally had to carry her from place to place). But I agree, a very significant shift in emphasis had happened with the Cost of Life project series, apparent in no small part by her breaking her promise to 'never to do artwork myself or my disease...', which, as I think I alluded to before, she did only because she'd found a way to use herself as a subject without the work 'becoming just about me.' You raise so much more to respond to -- the collective reconstruction of one after their passing, the tension between the public and the private, the less generous or "heroic" parts of one's character and their relevance to that reconstruction and/or how they may figure into work -- but I'm becoming self-conscious and would rather hear from others than myself. Robert On Sat, Feb 9, 2013 at 11:40 AM, Antoinette LaFarge wrote: > --empyre- soft-skinned space-- > Renate: > > Thank you for introducing us in this continuing conversation. I realized, > shortly after agreeing to co-host a week on this forum, that I really have > no idea how to ‘do’ public mourning. All the deaths in my life up to this > point have either been essentially private, or have stood at a certain > psychic distance, so that engaging with their passing through standard > rituals was sufficient even if painful. With Shani it is different, since > she was a friend and now I am to write about her publicly in the newness > and confusions of grief. I have been very moved by what has been shared by > everyone else so far, in such kindness and clarity. But what I am most > aware of as I read these postings—as we slowly, through her words and ours, > collect or assemble a shared Shani—is how much of the Shani I knew remains > outside the picture. I had lunch the other day with two of Shani’s other > west coast friends, and it was a long afternoon of loving and frank > recollections that ranged from the value of her work to the difficulty of > her personality and back. I cannot have that conversation here, so I am > trying to stumble my way to the conversation I can have. One thing I do > know is that I am unable to talk about “the work” apart from “the person”, > because they are not separate in my own mind. > > I have been thinking, too, about how Robert mentioned that he now has > access to Shani’s private documents and has been trying to walk a line > between what could be made public and what shouldn’t, with Shani’s voice in > his ear (what would she have wanted?). The extent and completeness of these > kinds of documentation of a life is a phenomenon of the digital age. In > helping to disassemble people’s houses after death, I have always found it > especially jarring to come across things I sent them: long-forgotten > letters, a favorite book. And there was always the sense of enormous burden > and promise in the left-behind troves of a life’s work, boxes of papers or > a studio full of paintings. But it was always somewhat fragmentary, and > with respect to correspondence, missing half the context. Now there are > terabytes upon terabytes of research projects in every possible digitized > medium, and both sides of every correspondence, all in one place. There is > an instant archive. I do not grudge Robert this close-up view of Shani’s > life and work—in a way it seems like her last gift to him—but I am aware of > this archive now as I never was before, as a kind of Aladdin’s cave, > tempting me to think that the treasure and mystery of Shani is there, > somewhere, rather than, say, in our memories and thoughts. I’m thinking > here of Claire and Robert’s exchange on the idea of a “lens”, a mediated or > filtered looking-at, and how with Shani’s removal from the world, what were > secondary documents are now de facto primary, and we are tasked with > filtering the already filtered. Do we
