[AP, Fairfield, Iowa] In a move seen by many as a tribute to one of the biggest TM heroes, Clint Eastwood, the organization that teaches Transcendental Meditation today announced a new "Advanced Technique." This technique is seen as an extension to the TM-Sidhi program, which was supposed to invoke "ritam" by delivering to people hopping around on their butts all that they desire in life.
Since, well over 35 years after the TM-Sidhi technique was introduced, it's been made abundantly clear that its practitioners have *not* gotten all that they desire in life, the TM organization is addressing that issue directly, in the form of a new form of "fertilizer" to invoke the mysterious power of "ritam" even further. The new Golden Throne Of Ritam technique aims at removing the *obstacles* to TM-Sidhi practitioners getting everything they desire. "Clearly," said Bevan Morris, Spokesbutt Emeritus for the butt-bouncers, "something has been *preventing* the full flow of ritam. A negative force has been getting in the way of the powerful Waves Of Woo generated by bouncing on our butts, and keeping our desires from being instantly fulfilled by ritam." Morris continued, "We now know who and what this negative force is. It's a bunch of misguided souls -- many of them paid by the CIA or the Dalai Lama or both -- who consistently thwart the awesome power of ritam by saying things about us that are...uh...true, but that we don't want said. The time has now come to act, and avoid the problem before it comes." Although actual details of the new Golden Throne Of Ritam technique are a deep, dark secret, and no one is supposed to talk about them, AP has received information from a whistleblower who learned the new technique last night and posted his impressions of it on WikiLeaks. He says, "It's basically a visualization technique. What you do is to imagine the person who you feel is an obstacle to you getting everything you desire, and visualize them seated upon a golden throne. Then, after forming a clear picture of the horrible enemy of all that is holy in your mind and yelling at them for a while, you mentally press the button located on the top of the golden throne, chant the holy mantra "Make my day!" and flush the person and his or her negativity away. I'm not sure whether all of your desires are supposed to start becoming fulfilled after you mentally flush the TM critics away or when you sign the check for the $10,000 the course costs -- all I can say is that like all TM courses that preceded it this new one didn't work as promised. Maybe you have to be senile like Clint Eastwood for it to work. Anyway, I'm doing what I should have done long ago and blowing the whistle and passing along not only this information but the visual aid given to me in my Golden Throne Of Ritam class that was supposed to help me envision the throne more accurately." http://therealestatecoconut.com/files/2011/05/gold-toilet.jpg <http://therealestatecoconut.com/files/2011/05/gold-toilet.jpg>
