--- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, turquoiseb <no_reply@...> wrote:
>
> A film, in one act, and with only one actor, who plays both the part of
> the MONSTER and of his assistant IGOR, because it saved the producers
> from paying two different actors, and was considered more appropriate,
> given the existential theme of O.C. (Oneification Consciousness). The
> actor stands up straight and tall when playing the MONSTER, and when
> called upon to play IGOR slumps down and stuffs an overripe canteloupe
> in his shirt to make it look like he has a hunchback.
>
> MONSTER: See Igor? The thunderstorm is building. Its first person
> ontology is almost perfect for the great, momentous use to which we are
> going to put it, eh.
>
> IGOR: Yes, Master.
>
> MONSTER: Yes, indeedy, for tonight is the night that I *reverse* all the
> horrible damage that the evil Dr. Vedastein has perpetrated on me, and
> become *whole* again, eh.
>
> IGOR: Whatever you say, Master.
>
> MONSTER: Years ago, the evil Dr. Vedastein convinced me that I was in
> Oneification Consciousness. As a result, I went around abusing people
> and hitting them and casting demons out of them and stuff like that.
> Finally the townspeople got their panties in a twist over this, and a
> mob of them carrying torches and pitchforks chased me out of town, eh.
>
> IGOR: I remember that, Master. They said you weren't in O.C. at all, but
> were just crazy as a bedbug.
>
> MONSTER: [cringing at the memory] Yes, they did, Igor. But soon they'll
> see that this was not the case. I was merely under the sway of gods and
> goddesses sicced on me by the evil Dr. Vedastein. *They* made me act out
> the way I did. My own first person ontology was overshadowed by their
> false view of the universe and How It Really Works. eh.
>
>
> IGOR: [shaking his head, clearly having heard all of this before]
> Whatever you say, Master.
>
> MONSTER: [lost in the bliss of first person ontology, not even noticing
> Igor rolling his eyes] But tonight I shall reverse all the damage done
> to me by the evil Dr. Vedastein, and people will understand and know me
> as the *real* me. Then they'll love me and praise me and treat me the
> way I deserve to be treated, eh.
>
> IGOR: How are you going to do this, Master? I mean, reverse all the
> damage done by the Vedic gods and goddesses?
>
> MONSTER: A good question, Igor. I am going to harness the awesome power
> of lightning, channel it through the Aquinus Activator I designed, and
> from there into my body, where it will purge me of the last vestiges of
> O.C. eh.
>
> IGOR: Sounds complicated to me, Master. Wouldn't it just be simpler to
> tell people that you were crazier than a fruitbat back then, but now
> you're feeling better?
>
>
> MONSTER: [picking up a nearby fruitbat and whacking Igor up against the
> side of the head with it] Silence! I was NOT crazy. I was overshadowed
> by evil Dr. Vedastein and his team of false gods and goddesses, that's
> all. It's all *their* fault, eh.
>
> IGOR: [rubbing the sore spot on his head] Whatever you say, Master.
>
> MONSTER: [stomping around the room, throwing a bit of a tantrum] Their
> fault! Their fault! THEIR fault! Not mine! Not responsible! Eh.
>
> IGOR: Whatever. Can we get to it? I've got fruitbats to cook up for
> dinner.
>
> MONSTER: [reluctantly] Oh, all right. [looking up, seeing the lightning
> beginning to flash] The time is finally right. Now I will strap myself
> into the First Person Ontology device and place its metal headpiece over
> my head so that I can't see anything but what's going on in my own mind.
> THAT's the way I'll cure myself of the curse of Oneification
> Consciousness! [he does this, stumbles around bumping into things for a
> bit because he can't see a thing, and finally lays down on a slab]
>
> MONSTER: [muffled, because he's trying to talk through a metal helmet]
> Nu, ickor nuh doh de iesu bitch!
>
> IGOR: What was that, Master? Couldn't really hear you.
>
> MONSTER: [lifting the helmet a bit to reveal his mouth, clearly
> exasperated with his assistant] Now, Igor, NOW. Throw the Jesus switch!
>
> IGOR: Oh. [he goes to the wall, pulls on an enormous cross-shaped
> electrical switch mounted there, and sparks fly up all around the
> MONSTER in his First Person Ontology device]
>
> IGOR: Did it work, Master?
>
> MONSTER: [gets up, removes the lead helmet, and goes over to a mirror,
> staring into remarkably like that scene with Ash in Evil Dead II] Yes,
> Igor, it worked. I'm fine. I'm better now.
>
> IGOR: Whatever you say. What next?:
>
> MONSTER: Well now, of course, I need to find a way to talk to all those
> people who thought I was crazy and convince them that I've cured myself
> by throwing the Jesus switch, eh.
>
> IGOR: [rolling his eyes again] Where do you expect to find anyone who
> will buy that?
>
> MONSTER: The Internet, silly. People will believe anything there. Maybe
> I'll even find myself a girlfriend, one who believes everything I say
> simply because I say it, eh.
>
> IGOR: [under his breath] Not bloody likely.
>
> MONSTER: [turning on Igor] What was that?
>
> IGOR: I said, do you want some nice, fresh bloody fruitbat?
>
> MONSTER: Oh. No thank you, Igor. I just want to sit here and bask in the
> freedom of my new first person ontology, which is just SO much better
> than that old first person ontology, when I was all confused, eh.
>
> IGOR: Whatever.
>
> [Fade to black]
RESPONSE: I don't find this very funny, Barry. But if you think you have hurt
me or made me angry, you are fooling yourself. I do feel badly that I have
pushed you into resorting to something like this (It was satire, right?) in
order to get back at me.
But you must know: *No one makes fun of Robin*, Barry. No one. Do you get that?
I think your sarcasm here has failed to do me justice. The irony quotient--if
you really want to know--it was deficient somehow. And do you know how I
interpret this, Barry? that actually I am such a sweet and sincere guy that I
don't leave that much room for being objectively and successfully mocked. I am
so good then, Barry, that I don't create a sufficient irony potential [for my
enemies] as I act out the post-enlightenment phase of my evolution.
Nevertheless I am going to ask you to stop this. No more, Barry. It is not
right. I don't deserve to be treated like this. (Had it been more hilarious,
though, this would have signified that I inadvertently send myself up in the
solemnity of my self-righteousness. But my passion is so true, Barry, that it
is hard to get big laughs off of me by attempting something like you have here.
If you were saying something that was ripe for the saying, I couldn't help
myself: I WOULD BE LAUGHING TOO).
This didn't happen. And for those who love me, I have a feeling they too will
remain unaffected by your attempt to make me look silly.
I just have to gather into my first-person ontology the right feelings that the
originator of my first-person ontology deems desirable. Desirable for what,
Robin?
Desirable in order to turn your taunt into the very means to make you look
ridiculous. And see? as I keep writing here I am taking the context away from
you, Barry.
How do I do this? I am tuned into the omnisubjective being [the Person who
knows what it's like to be Barry even better than you do]--I must be; because I
can feel at this stage in my reply to you Maharishi's Support of Nature is
coming my way.
Is Mommy at Home as well? It sure *seems* that way.
Feel it, Barry? The power of your sarcasm, it is draining away, and my
innocence, it is making your satire the means to vindicate me. :-)
But I wish to change things up a little right now, Barry. Here goes. This will
be my conclusion.
*You started it, Barry*, but do you know what? I AM GOING TO FINISH IT. I am
smarter and nicer and funnier than you are. Maybe you win this one, but I will
defeat you in the end. And when I finally hit upon the perfect revenge, believe
me: You won't believe how much of a take-down it will be. Get ready for it,
Barry.
Kiss me, Barry. You are the funnest guy I have ever known.
[Just a secret between you and me: THIS WAS PRETTY GODDAM FUNNY. But my
official reaction will be what I have said here.]
And I know my love is greater than your hatred, Barry.
Think about that.
"Perhaps there are times of inherent excellence.
As when the cock crows on the left and all
Is well, incalculable balances,
At which a kind of Swiss perfection comes
....
...not balances
That we achieve but balances that happen,
A man and woman meet and love forthwith,
Perhaps there are moments of awakening,
Extreme, fortuitous, personal, in which
We more than awaken, sit on the edge of sleep,
As on an elevation, and behold
The academies like structures in the mist.
....
As if the waves at least were never broken,
As if the language suddenly, with ease,
Said things it had laboriously spoken."
Igor
