It is not easy to work with and process and transform hate. When we are not paying very careful attention to this emotion, our subconscious handling of it leads generally to two kinds of solutions: either suppressing it or acting it out. Suppressing leads easily to illness, acting out to harming others and oneself.
Healthy hate and anger is necessary in putting limits, when you sense others are using you. My mother was a violent person in an unpredictable fashion. She used to shove me down to the floor and kick me there and beat me with a carpet beater mostly for reasons I have no idea of. Probably I had somehow opposed her orders. Once I remember the beating started, when I told my mother, that the aunt from the neighbouring apartment told me that I'm stuttering because my mother beats me so much. When younger my mother was very beautiful, she had a strong magnetic radiance. People admired her. She often had a serene, blissful look in her eyes. She could pretty well hide this domestic dark side from the outside world. She often told with a smile on her face to the relatives and her friends, how awful I was and that I had a habit of kicking. I have no memory of kicking anybody. A few years ago though I practised walking, where with every step I imagined myself kicking my mother. And it was quite healing. I grew up to an adolescent who never asked anything from my mother or talked to her. I only answered to her questions, probably because I didn't dare not to. I had a lot of difficulties in communication in school. I was withdrawn and when the teachers asked me questions I often didn't answer even if I knew the answer. I also had difficulties following the lessons, I was withdrawn to my inner realms. I didn't act out my hate, I wasn't even aware of it. But I created many health problems: stuttering, muscular disease, scoliosis, fatigue. Essential in my healing process has been internally working with fear, anger, fury and hate. This process started at age 16, and the intense inner work with hate lasted for ten years. In the 90's during my therapy the hate process started again now from a deeper level and it was also quite healing. I have had the capacity to work with these emotions internally, in an `as if' mode. And in spite of that occasionally I have also acted out my anger. But the more I have experienced and felt my inner turmoil and fury inside, the less it gets acted out in the long run. This inner turmoil doesn't mean harbouring the hatred inside, more really deeply FEELING it, enjoying every nuance of it, and also seeing what it really is. To accomplish this you have to be able to let many different, often opposing voices express themselves in your inner reality. When I started to write at FFL, the motivating force was inner fury. I had good reasons for it, which I don't want to explain more here. I had always loathed writing. In school it was my weakest subject. I had never before written in English. The fury made me write in spite of these minor obstacles. Now writing in English appears rather easily, and no fury is needed anymore. Irmeli --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, "rudra_joe" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: > Well Irmeli, I respect your views. I honestly find you to be the touchstone here for maturity, due to your obsessive hate with your mother and the working through of that. You have a balanced voice and are a good realitic mediator. But honestly, I have also hated alot in my life. I can't say that the hatred in most cases was worked through, but merely forgotten. I have hated mostly in the professional marketplace. The kitchen brigade system is like the military hierarchy, and I have always been very into myself and my own needs and desires, read selfish. And so naturally I hated those chefs who stood in the way of my lusts and desires. The circumstances are different but usually the hate stemmed from my individuality, and had less to do with individuation that merely inner frustration at my small and weak inability to acheive what I wanted. It was really merely myself I hated the whole time. My powerlessness, my ineffectuality. Maharishi would say that the weak just diminishes and rises to the level of the invincible. Perhaps that in time. Pat theologies and all the studied wisdom in the world doesn't much help when in the throws of hate. And huge mistakes can be made, not to mention the physiological functioning of increased pulse rate and faster breating with more adrenaline, which shows that the karma of hate also starts right at the beginning with the emotion. Ie., Hate ain't good. Ahh, just recently I told em to fuck off again at this job I really loved. Got fired. Only lost a week of work and got rehired at the last joba week later, but hey, I made a big mistake. > > Of course, that said, blocking it out and hiding it also makes people go postal. As a chef, I have this management method for my underlings whereby when I need their all out effort I try not to shout at them, but instead I'll bang my head on something for awhile. It really gets their attention. So naturally people think I'm going to go postal and they tell me so. But I explain myself and tell them that I get my emotional shit out constantly. I'm not holding back. Who knows, it could be my miserable profession which has made me happy finally, since it was killing me it partially absolved my from some of my bad hobbits. Ahh, my fathers death at age 8 when he and I were together absolved me from alot of my own personal responsibility for things, which came much later after all the hate of God. I remember saying I hate you God and my grandmere daying dont say that. God pulled an early Job (The Jewish tale) upon me, and I certainly did learn to love God and my teachers again through that hate. That was my biggest lesson. Of course, as a Buddhist this means something a bit different for me, God for me being like basically a reflection of my own collection of neurosis all shaped together and worshipped for my own and others selfish benefit. Not very often do I ever really care what God might want, so She's my friend but I'm hardly Hers. > > Nonetheless, one can argue for or against hate. In the Vajrayana hate is transformed into the diamond of awareness since hatred is heavy fixation. Something important yes is going on there. Of course it may be the important motivation of the detective trying to catch someone or something which needs to be dead. Yes, hate also can be constructive, prolly depending upon ones motivation and whether the hate has constructive ends, such as putting down a serial killer, or megalomaniac. Hatred as well of ones own limited personality actually lets us focus on its fine details, as well as say, hatred of dust makes us wipe it out, and so on. Hatred of shabby work makes us perfectionists. Other than that, hatred makes one coarse. If one plots a crafty demise for someone and serves it cold then they have to live with that diamond awareness of their actions and can only expect someone to serve them as well someday. Best to let it all go, and let God work it out. If someome is stupid enough to cross me then they have all the devas to contend with since I waste little to no time on it, other things to do, I let them have it. I'm more for Bhairava or Chandi who chop my head off the moment I even begin to think at all. This above wasn't thought but merely vritti. Thinking to me is very difficult. I hate it. > > > > > ----- Original Message ----- > From: Irmeli Mattsson > To: FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com > Sent: Wednesday, March 16, 2005 3:50 AM > Subject: [FairfieldLife] Re: off_world_beings less TMO than half theTM x'rs on here. > Hate is a natural emotion. Why would it exist otherwise? Harmful it > becomes only, when you cannot completely accept and contain that > feeling and start uncontrollably act it out. I cannot see it harmful > having your ex-guru as an object of hate, and that way being able to > process and work with your emotions. Objects of idealization tend to > at some point turn to objects of hate. It is totally natural and > normally leads to inner growth. > > When young I used to hate my mother more than anything in the world. > That didn't make me hurt her physically and I was mostly in friendly > terms externally with her and helping her in many ways. Then one day > the hatred was gone. A lot of healing had happened in me during that > period. I am more capable to contain and appreciate all kinds of > emotions inside. Hate is a most natural and useful emotion to me. It > has often served as a driving motor for healing and also for new > aspects to evolve in me. > > Irmeli > > > > > > > To subscribe, send a message to: > [EMAIL PROTECTED] > > Or go to: > http://groups.yahoo.com/group/FairfieldLife/ > and click 'Join This Group!' > > > Yahoo! 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