Namaste and Om Dear Swamiji and Group, I have been fully absorbed and relishing the company of our beloved Sat Guru and have not had a free moment to sit down and write of what has taken place in the past few days.
It is very difficult to relate and speak about the transformation that took place as words are useless and can never touch the reality of it. I cannot remember the days exactly, but will take you through the sequence of the experience as best possible. The first evening Swamiji did energy work on me, there was the usual shifting states of awareness, samadhi, kriyas and pranayam.....these symptoms continued intensely for some time - the body sometimes felt as if dead - there was no breath intermittently for long periods - after (am not sure how long), there came to a point when it felt like every cell, every thought, everything known was going to explode - it felt literally as if the world was going to explode (the world being the private universe one had taken security in)...there was a point of extinction that came into view. At this time the automatic reaction was to preserve the self - the eyes scrunched up tight against it, the whole body was trembling in absolute terror, the breath stopped in the throat choking and gagging - there was no breath for a long time. The desire was to pull away and save oneself - it was an automatic reaction like an instinct. I will say that no matter how far one feels they have come - how many experiences one feels has been gathered, there is nothing like this fear. It explodes through the being on all levels. I cannot say that anything internally was said or there was a conscious letting go, but the transmission of energy broke down the last threads of resistance held in place. I don't know what happened at this point, but eventually the body sat up. (Was very surprised there was a body at all). Swamiji was sitting in the Guru chair in the corner - the heart balloons Premananda brought floating beside her. She pointed to the balloons and said, "Is that how you feel?" We laughed and laughed - then, my head went down and a deep samadhi was entered, the void - could not come out of it for awhile. When it was over, I stood up and there was a radical shift in consciousness. I told, Swamiji - "there is something different about this - this is zero." In this state of perfect grounding and balance, suffering never existed. In all other states previously entered, there was a reference point of sorts - a comparison - such as "I am suffering, now I am not" or "There was a me, now there is not". In 0 - the suffering persona never was and cannot be cognized. Realization is not at all what one thinks. All of the fears and ideas once ruminated on about it are absoluteley unfounded. I used to think all sorts of things about it. I used to worry about all sorts of things about it. Could I work? Could I function? Could I take care of my son? What would he think of me? Would I look or behave strange around him or others. Some of the sadhakas have said to me, "You don't look any different". They may be looking for something about me that is different. "What is she talkin about? Has she gone off the ddep end." Nothing outwardly has changed. This is true. It is only the consciousnes that has changed. This is the whole joke of it. The me persona that was such a driving force (the seeker) does not exist and never did. Something that for years was all that was known - it is nothing, unreal, non-existent..and what is revealed always IS and there never was a time that it could not be. O-point blows out all opposites what remains is a flame that is eternally lit in the heart Nothing of the world, nothing of the senses, no cause, no effect can touch it. One becomes the flame or that which illumines There is no love, no compassion - no sense of otherness to create a feeling or drive. There is no inside or outside There is no me and has never been There is no past or future as they have no existence There is no God or all is God There is nothing that comes and goes There is no stain There is no object of perception There is no point of contact There is nothing seen There is a fullness of life an innocence that is unstained and has 0 identifications, attachment or sense of loss and gain There is no child, no youth, no adult or aged There is no progression Thought are like birds flying through vastless space The supreme self is the space The supreme self is that which lights up the world, but is untouched by any activity, any vocalization, any becoming, any knowledge. There is no happiness or enjoyer, yet there is full enjoyment and rejoicing. There is only the changeless, timeless supreme being that palpably and eternally abides as IS. All so simple, so absolutley natural. There is no Guru and never was. I am not, but I am - timeless and unchangeable. There is no beauty, but all shines beautiful. There is a steady calm, a gentle peace, a certainty. The universe is empty, formless. I reside in the invisible - that which is the background, the ground of being....eternally grounded in peace. Nothing has changed. Yet everything has changed. Some very radical shifts noticed - there is no need to meditate anymore - no matter what is taken place - 0-point consciousness does not shift from it's balanced center. Doing and receiving energy work creates no shift or movement away from pure consciousness. No deep states of absorption is entered anymore as all shines as the eternal "I". One is fully awake even in sleep. The kriyas and kundalini symptoms have primarily resolved, just a few soft blurs around the edges of the flame -not touching the purity of awareness. There are still thoughts from time to time, but one is unattached - the thoughts float like clouds in vast space. There are still preferences, likes and dislikes. One has retained the same personality. One remains serenely detached in times of challenge. It has been so different to abide in the changeless state of awareness - a few times still have been suprised that this state remains and is not shaken. There is still a settling. One is so used to something going away, striving, working - now there is nothing to do. It is very different and takes some getting used to. Though Swamiji has been right here the whole time, one had to journey this one alone. Her laughter, explanations and confirmation of this new state is a blessing beyond words and has helped one root and stay steady within it. One thinks they have got something before realization - that they know something....even a little piece of knowledge , a little truth. The supreme self knows nothing. It is absolutely and completely ordinary and all is the same. EVERYTHING is the same. Everything is subject - there is no cognition of not being separate or being separate. There is just pure experience - a wonder!!! There is just IS. There is the enjoyment of a little child as will stare at the most ordinary things and be captured there for a long time, fully entertained - yet no one to entertain...total simplicity - not two, not two. I look to none beside me The light of the supreme fills the being Wherever I turn, there it is Filled with thee There is no other So life goes on, that is all........ Blessings to all on the journey Great Peace and Is, Hari Om Dear Guru, Swami Siddhananda __
