Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
A maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked: Now Maria, why do you want a
pay increase?
Maria: Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first
is that I iron better than you.
Wife: Who said you iron better than me?
Maria: Your
Now remember these are a 6 year old and a 4 year old!
When to start Cussing
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know
what? says the 6 year old. I think it's about time we started
cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old
continues, When we go
Instead of Astrological Signs, how about : What's Your Business Sign?
1) MARKETING
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to
study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is
pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just
pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. Its always darkest
before dawn. So if
Don't mess with the RAF
Two patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident
while checking for speeding
motorists on the A1 Great North Road. One of the officers used a
hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over
the crest of a hill, and was
New Words
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which
A
crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of
inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to
the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE
to be on this
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes
convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the
wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
This is
great, he thought as he roared on down I-75.He pushed the pedal to the metal
even more.
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as
sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense
attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the
policeman's credibility.
...
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A:
Counting Sheep
The blonde from Casper had been the brunt of dumb blonde jokes all her life and
finally decided to do something about it. Boldly, she entered a beauty salon
and had her hair dyed auburn. The change was immediate and drastic.
Suddenly people began to treat her with respect and
No matter which girls he brought home, the young man
found disapproval from his mother. A friend gave him advice, Find a
girl just like your mother, then she's bound to like her.
So the young man searched and searched, and finally
found the girl. He told his friendly adviser,
It's so good to read the truth at last?? I love this Doctor !
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind
him, My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.
Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it
Advantages of Being a Temp
You're only lending your soul, not selling it.
You won't be there when the fruits of your labor turn rotten.
Trying on a different personality at each new job site.
You don't have to continually fork over part of your paycheck for co-workers'
weddings,
An American and an English officer were in the Officers' Mess
having a few drinks.
After several of them, they hit on the idea to make the following
(gentleman's) bet: The one who could tell the biggest lie would win.
They drew straws, and the American officer got to start:
Well, he says,
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One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most
of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted
by a phone call from a telemarketer.
I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me.
The call was
Dear Abby:
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have
suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual
signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been
going out with 'the girls' a lot recently --
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Samuel Johnson
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More Marriage Quotes http://home.att.net/~quotations/marriage.html
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
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A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life. He said,
You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If
you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age.
So the young lad did this religiously every day, and sure enough,
lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.
When he died,
A man patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, Your young man told me
today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent.
Oh, Daddy, gushed the daughter, it's going to be so hard leaving Mommy.
I understand perfectly, my dear, beamed the man. Take her with you!
One Sunday morning
A mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready
for church, to which he replied, I'm not going.
Why not? she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons, he said.
(1), they don't like me, and
(2), I don't like them.
His mother replied, I'll
* I Love Her, But...
[A collection of men's thoughts on their women.]
. She has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen.
Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch
flies... And all I can see is her butt.
Howard, Dodge City, Kan.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/funny-jokes/
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and
said, You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to
talk about or ask me?
Well, he said, I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.
That's a pretty big decision.
Below are a few resignation letters written by staff to their
managers
good read!!
An offer of 1 million pounds plus free sex with a page three girl
could
not convince me to stay with your company. A position of junior goat
herder
in Mongolia would be a more positive career step, than staying
GOOD MORNING
My face in the mirror
Isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty.
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never...
Put my glasses back on.
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing
up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning
Uphill... barefoot...
BOTH ways
Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I
There was this artist who worked from a studio in his home. He
specialized in nudes and had been working on what he thought
would be a masterpiece for several months now.
As usual, his model reported and, after exchanging the usual
greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for
her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the
kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in
some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too
many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we
Purina Diet
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Toot, the wonder
dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I
had a dog. On impulse on this stupid question, I told her that No, I didn't
have a dog, but I was starting the Purina Diet again.
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left
her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses
bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a
window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a
while she slowly
How to Photograph a New Puppy
1. Remove film from box and
load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's
mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and
brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background
for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and
focus.
6. Find puppy and take
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the
insurance company.
Susan told the insurance company, We had that barn insured for
fifty thousand and I want my money.
The agent replied, Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance
doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value
A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho
Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned
we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of
everything in our environment.
In his project he urged people to sign a
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and
was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her
purse
and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look
Oh,No! he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40
years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have
survived, he did not know.
He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he
would find his 16 year-old son. Only the slim hope of
The Coffee Prayer
Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I
The following is an ad from a real-life
newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying
to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one
sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who
lives with him
A sweet grandmother telephoned Mary Hitchcock Memorial Hospital. She timidly
asked,
'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is
doing?'
The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name
and room number?'
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in
his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told
him
How Do You Decide Who To Marry?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports,
she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip
coming. Ana, age 10
“No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God
decides
Darwin Award Winners:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to
fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California,
would-be
robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down
the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And
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The manager of ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one
her sale clerks a ' pep talk '. Jane, your figures are well below
any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your
sales record soon, I'm afraid you'll have to let you go.
I had 18 bottles of whisky in the cellar, and my wife told me to get
Rid of them or else!
She told me to open every bottle and empty the
Contents down the sink and so that is the unfortunate task I am now
Doing.
I drew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents
Down the sink,
I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an
earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is
curious about his sudden change in fashion sense.
The man
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to
get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she
came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden
full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentleman, What do you do to get your
tomatoes red?
The
An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the
greatest invention of all times.
The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.
The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.
The mathematician chose the alphabet,
Here's one that's been going around the 'net for some time but hey ... it
still makes for thought provoking stuff. At least it looks to me like she,
literally, took it with her.
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening,
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press
THE ORIGINAL VERSION:
If you love something, Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours,
If it doesn't, it never was yours
THE PESSIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as
expected, she never was.
THE OPTIMIST
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told
him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her
a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life. That evening he
called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that
they be
ROMEO AND JULIET
Net Txt Version
- Act 1 ---
Login:
Romeo : R u awake? Want 2 chat?
Juliet: O Rom. Where4 art thou?
Romeo: Outside yr window.
Juliet: Stalker!
Romeo: Had 2 come. feeling jiggy.
Juliet: B careful. My family h8 u.
Romeo: Tell me
The following are new Error Messages planned for Windows Vista:
h2a href=http://jokeoftheday.wordpress.com/; title=Funny JokeFunny
Joke/a/h2
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4)
Dad at the Mall
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a
teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green,
red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept
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