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Mystery of Jersey's first lady
BY ANN GIVENS
Staff Writer Standing before the cameras Thursday afternoon, New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey and his wife, Dina, made a baffling pair: He announcing that he is gay, had an affair with a man, and will resign. She, holding his hand with an indecipherable smile on her face. The well-known governor suddenly seemed unknowable. But perhaps the bigger mystery was the woman by his side: Was 38-year-old Dina Matos McGreevey as blind sided as the public by her husband's announcement? And if so, how could she stand smiling by him through this unbearably painful moment? "It depends how long ago she found out," said Dan Forero, who heads the Straight Spouse Network of Long Island, a support group for straight people who are married to gays. "If she only found out two weeks ago, she was just smiling for the camera and was probably very numb. If she's known for some years, then maybe she's made some peace with it." A different set of rules It is nearly impossible to know what is going on in Matos McGreevey's mind, or behind closed doors in her home. Some have guessed that the McGreeveys' marriage -- his second -- was based on convenience from the start; others believe the news was a shock to her. Either way, a marriage in the political spotlight follows different rules than a private relationship, experts agree. Mike Paul, president of MGP & Associates, a Manhattan-based public relations firm that has managed personal crises for public figures, said political couples should know up front that "for better or for worse" may mean taking very public questions about the most intimate subjects. "As a first lady, you're going to be a public figure whether you want to be or not," Paul said. "When there's a crisis, you can't say 'No comment.'" Not unheard of If the McGreeveys, who met in 1997, did have a "marriage of convenience," they would not be alone among political couples, said Larry Sabato, director of the Center for Politics at University of Virginia. "It's more common among politicians than it is in the group of people that I proudly call normal," Sabato said. "Ambitious people are often attracted to one another, and in order to get power and position they are willing to make compromises in their personal relationships." It is also not uncommon for heterosexual people married to gay people to try and make their relationships work, experts said. Forero, whose own marriage ended in divorce after his wife told him she is a lesbian, said about 15 percent of gay-straight marriages stay together. Even he thought for a time they could work things out, he said. "A lot of times they love that person, they want a family and they think this is a way to do it," said Amity Pierce Buxton, author of "The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families" and head of the national Straight Spouse Network. "They think that love will conquer all." But for many people, especially those who do not know from the start that their spouse is gay, the shock is too much to get beyond. "You feel deceived," said Buxton, whose husband told her he was gay after 25 years of marriage. "It takes a little while to face reality that this is who they are and you can't go back to the way things were. Then you can start healing." Some experts say it may actually have been easier for Matos McGreevey to stand up with her husband than it would have been to speak out against him. "You don't want to make it so messy that people are constantly wanting more comments from you," said Steven Rhoads, a professor in the Department of Politics at the University of Virginia and the author of "Taking Sex Differences Seriously." " Craig Schermer, a historian for the National First Ladies' Library in Canton, Ohio, said he cannot think of a presidential first lady who did not ultimately "stand by her man." "Ultimately, I think most of them realized that it was a partnership, and to expose their anger was to expose themselves," said Schermer, citing the Clintons and the Hardings as just two couples who suffered through extramarital affairs. But Schermer said that, as women become more liberated and first ladies become more independent, the days of loyalty to unfaithful spouses may come to an end. "I think we're going to get to the age when husband cheats on his wife she's going to pack up and walk out," he said. Copyright © 2004, Newsday, Inc. Group Site: http://www.gaybombay.info ========================== NEW CLASSIFIEDS SECTION SEEKING FRIENDS? VISIT www.gaybombay.info click on classified section and type your message in the post section once the link opens What's hot? What's not? Where are the LGBT parties being held and when? Click here!! http://calendar.yahoo.com/YYY,04497/srt,0/gaybombaygroup/?v=42&POS=
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