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Domnic Fernandes continues (Part II) his reminiscence of
Mapusa of the 1950s
http://www.goanet.org/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=426
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I found this in my e-mail archives. Source unknown. I think Coen Jukens - Cecil
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In case you want to drive when you are next in India.
Enjoy ... to Drive in India - as observed by an outsider
This hilarious article was written by an Expert from Baan, Netherlands who
spent two years in Hyderabad...
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Driving in India
For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to
drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival.
They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life
outside a vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian road rules broadly
operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the
results to your insurance company.
The hints are as follows:
Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both".
Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that
case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by
occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your instincts,
ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much
misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim
their vehicles in the generally intended direction.
Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself; except for a belief in
reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position.
Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross
the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back.
Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when
traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister
is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not
talk ill of the dead.
Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to
express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk
blasts), or just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the
bazaar.
Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during
traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for
the rain waters to recede when over ground traffic meets
underground drainage.
Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored
lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus,
full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck
speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.
Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a rickshaw and
an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion
engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and
creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or
passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare.
After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and
packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are
not in contact with the vehicle at all.
Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so
those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent
damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and
also learn Newton's laws of motion enroute to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers
follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to
irritate.
Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an
electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at
break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough
for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they
would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are
often "mopped" off the tarmac.
Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes and
during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging
off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings
and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but
obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many
Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of
these buses by a width of three passengers.
One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in
their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed
in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you
cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse
throughout, if you are the fussy type. Lest I sound hypercritical; I must
add a positive point also. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has
been prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house. This
mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence
and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation
authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.
Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience for those
with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan. In a way, it is like playing
Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the
drivers is loaded.
What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck
attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the
field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have
shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting
reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and with the
peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at the last stop, his total
cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are
the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill.
Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet
above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching
you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be
the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your
point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk
roads. During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers
will never show any Signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals;
they are the greater threat). Only, you will often observe that the cleaner
who sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically.
This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The
waving is just a statement of physical relief on a hot day.
If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons
between 8 pm and 11 am-when the police have gone home and - The citizen is
then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in the constitution.
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