This was posted on the AOL Classical Music boards [we talk about everything].
*
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find
out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they
say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas
morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose
hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went
in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart.
I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an
X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour
saying
things like, What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my
truck so
I could use the carpool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things
I'd
only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled on Lovable Louise. She
was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge
leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
with
Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a
couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been
to
his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the
dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest
of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. What the
hell is that? she asked. My brother quickly explained, It's a doll. Who
would play with something like that? Granny snapped. I had several candidates
in mind, but kept my mouth shut. Where are her clothes? Granny continued.
Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran, Jay, my brother said, trying to
steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. Why doesn't she
have any teeth? Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, Hang
on
Granny! Hang on!
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said, Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace? I told him she was Jay's
friend. A few minutes later, I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized
this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made
the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be
killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in
the
bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around
the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran
across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and
Granny
threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my mother's
garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's
collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back
of
her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa
still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
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