Question # 91868: Internet relationships
Question: I am a female college student. My problem is that I have gotten to know a young man over the internet. In the beginning the relationship was one of respect and exchanging information, until it turned into love. My mother rejects the idea of me marrying him, and she has threatened to tell my father about this relationship. I cannot do without him and he feels the same way, because he has told me that he will commit suicide if we cannot get married. I hope that you can advise me. I cannot be apart from him and he does not. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. Note - may Allaah bless you - that our great religion firmly warns us against forming relationships between the sexes outside the framework of marriage and firmly closes the door to the calamity of introduction programs that are propagated by means of newspapers, magazines and the internet. These warnings are a means of warding off fitnah (temptation and tribulation) and preventing love affairs which usually lead people to commit acts of grave immorality and transgression of the sacred limits set by Allaah - Allaah forbid - or they lead them to marriages that end in failure and are filled with suspicion and mistrust. First of all, you made a mistake by entering the chat room before knowing what the Islamic ruling on that is. Then you made another mistake by forming a relationship and friendship with a young man who is not related to you. Beware of making a third mistake by marrying him because he claims to love you sincerely and you are afraid that he may commit suicide! Marriage that is not based on a sound Islamic foundation is doomed to end in failure and regret. A young man who has spent all this time forming a relationship with a girl through chat rooms and telephone calls is in fact a young man who has no religious commitment, modesty or manners, and he cannot be entrusted with the honour of the Muslims. His threat to commit suicide means one of two things: Either he is sincere in his threat, which means that he is very weak in faith, because killing oneself is a major sin - may Allaah keep us safe and sound; Or he is lying, which means that he is a hateful opportunist and a fool, as well as a selfish individual who cares only for his own personal interests. If you were to marry this person, it would not take very long before suspicions arose which would lead to him losing trust in you and not having a peaceful or relaxed life with you. From his point of view, a girl whom he gets to know through talking on the phone or through chat rooms cannot be trusted not to form relationships with others. This will occupy his thoughts and make him anxious. Finally, you should note that this advice which we are offering to you is based on sincere concern for you. You should learn a lesson from the experience of other girls who have fallen victim to love relationships and lost their honour as a result. You should give up this young man immediately and repent to Allaah and ask His forgiveness, and praise Him for saving you from committing immoral actions even though the means that lead to them are easily available. You should also praise Him for putting obstacles in the way of this marriage, through your family's refusal. Start a new life filled with purity and chastity, regret and prayers for forgiveness, keeping away from the things that lead to temptation and immorality. Do a lot of righteous deeds, read a great deal of Qur'aan, and attend many righteous gatherings. With time, your relationship with this person will fade, for it is based on emotions that are not based on shar'i guidelines or wise thinking. Beware lest the Shaytaan ensnare you and makes you think that you cannot forget or sever the relationship forever; these are just whispers and tricks, and devilish attempts to keep you in the hell of love and emotion, and distract you from the higher aims of sincere devotion and submission to Allaah and constant striving to please Him. We ask Allaah to give you a way out from your distress and anxiety. Dr Riyaadh al-Musaymeeri. http://www.islamqa.com/index.php?ref=21933&ln=eng -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Question # 93553: If he asks her to say "I accept So and so as a husband before Allaah", does she become his wife? Question: My problem is that I got to know someone on the Net and we loved one another, but after that he asked me to marry him so that our conversing would not be haraam, and the way to do that was that I would say: "I, So and so, accept So and so as a husband before Allaah." After that he asked me to take off my hijab in front of him but I refused because I was not convinced about this marriage with regard to its conditions. He said: There was acceptance and the mahr (dowry). I said: I don't want it and there were no witnesses. He said: There were witnesses; but I did not see them myself. He insisted that it is a valid marriage but I am not convinced of that. I hope to find out from you whether I am regarded as his wife or not. I do not want to fall into haraam by speaking to him. Answer: Praise be to Allaah. This is not a marriage, rather it is a deviation and calling it a marriage is lying and deceit. What you must do is cut off ties with this man who is toying with the rulings of Allaah, and regarding as permissible that which Allaah has forbidden. His claim that this is a marriage means that he regards it as permissible to do with you what a man does with his wife. Wouldn't any adulterer on the face of the earth be able to do such a marriage with the immoral adulteress who is his partner in sin, so that she would be his wife and they would not be committing adultery?! We are afraid that he may gradually make you take off your hijab in front of him or do something even worse, and take a picture of you and try to threaten you with this picture. It is easy nowadays to combine pictures with one another and threaten you using these pictures if you do not do what he wants. Many such cases have happened. See the answer to question no. 91868 and learn a lesson from it. How many heedless women have been gradually tricked in such ways by treacherous "wolves" until they lost their honour and chastity, then these men leave them, forgetting about the so-called marriage, and there is no maintenance and no rights, not even a divorce! In a valid marriage it is essential that the woman's guardian be present, along with two witnesses of good character from among the Muslims. Any marriage that is conducted without a guardian is invalid, and a woman who gives herself in marriage without her guardian is a zaaniyah (adulteress), as Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: "The one who gives herself in marriage is a zaaniyah." Narrated by al-Daaraqutni. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "There is no marriage except with a guardian and two witnesses." Narrated by al-Bayhaqi, classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami' no. 7557. And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Any woman who gives herself in marriage without the permission of her guardian, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid." Narrated by Ahmad (24417), Abu Dawood (2083) and al-Tirmidhi (1102); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami' (2709). Its seems to us from your question that you fear Allaah, may He be exalted, and you do not want to fall into haraam and be exposed to the wrath of the Almighty. Hence we advise you strongly to forget about this man and to cut off all ties with him, via the internet or otherwise, for every word, smile and moment of desire will be recorded against you, and tomorrow you will be questioned about it before your Lord. So hasten to repent so that these sins will be erased. We ask Allaah to forgive you and to divert you away from this evildoer, and to protect the daughters of the Muslims. See also questions no. 21933 and 84089. And Allaah knows best. Islam Q&A http://www.islamqa.com/index.php?ref=93553&ln=eng
