"A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking."
"Practice makes perfect but nobody's perfect so why practise?"
"Sure, God made men first, but you always make a rough draft before a final
copy."
"They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's
dead. Good."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'd be glad to make an exception."
"Everyone wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to die."
"Smile, it makes the world wonder what you're thinking..."
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"Experience is something you don't get until after you need it."
"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research."
"Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life."
"You don't have to agree with me, but it's quicker."
"You are unique. Just like everybody else."
"Few women admit their age, few men act it."
"I'd rather laugh with sinners than cry with saints."
"Join the Army, travel to exotic, distant lands, meet exciting, unusual
people, and kill them."
"Early to rise and early to bed, Makes a man healthy; but socially dead."
"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every waking minute of it."
If I'm so stupid, why aren't I rich?
"My middle name is Luck," said Rincewind. "Unfortunately, my first name is
Bad..."
- Terry Pratchett, Discworld novels.
Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. Then the
worms eat you. Be grateful that it happens in that order.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Love is like Pi: natural, irrational, and very important.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
-- Franklin P. Jones
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but
wish we didn't." -- Erica Jong
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of
your action.
"When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in
such a manner so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice."
"Some men see things as they are and ask 'Why?'
I dream of things that never were and ask 'Why not?'"
--George Bernard Shaw
"There are winners and losers in this world. Winners win because they try to
win. Losers lose
because they try to stop losing. Work it out?!?"
Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's
one of the best.
--Woody Allen
Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is
the triumph of hope over experience.
Money can buy a house, but not a home.
Money can buy a bed, but not sleep.
Money can buy a clock, but not time.
Money can buy a book, but not knowledge.
Money can buy food, but not an appetite.
Money can buy position, but not respect.
Money can buy blood, but not life.
Money can buy medicine, but not health.
Money can buy sex, but not love.
Money can buy insurance, but not safety.
You see, money is not everything.
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
Don't count the days, make the days count.
Don't kill the dream - execute it!
Don't limit your challenges - challenge your limits.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth
and prove it.
Life isn't fair, but life isn't fair for everyone. That makes life fair.
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
Never wrestle with a pig. You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself; hire someone; or
forbid your kids to do it.
There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience.
To let a fool kiss you is stupid.
To let a kiss fool you is worse.
To realize the value of ONE YEAR
Ask a student who has failed his final exam.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH
Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE DAY
Ask a daily wage laborer who has ten kids to feed.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet or . . .
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE
Ask a person who has missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND
Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.
Treasure every moment that you have!
And treasure it more because you
Share it with someone special . . . special enough to have your time. . .
Women's faults are many, men have just two!
Everything they say and everything they do!!!
Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.
Always and Never are two words to always remember never to use.
Always forgive your enemies but never forget their names.
"If your professor wrote it, it's as near to the truth as you ever need to
get."
"When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what
I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find
out if it stopped."
"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better
lawyer."
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading."
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for
money usually costs a lot less.
Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good
hand.
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