Couldn't resist sending you these:
A London lawyer and a Yorkshireman are sitting next to each other on a long flight to Leeds. The lawyer is thinking that Yorkshiremen are all 'cloth cap and clogs' and that he can fool them easily... So the lawyer asks if the Yorkshireman would like to play a fun game. The Yorkshireman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.' As may be expected, this catches the Yorkshireman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the moon?' The Yorkshireman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the Yorkshireman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the British Library. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the Yorkshireman and hands him £500. The Yorkshireman pockets the £500 and goes straight back to sleep. The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. He wakes the Yorkshireman up and asks, 'Well! What goes up a hill with Three legs and comes down with four?' The Yorkshireman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep. Don't mess with us Yorkshiremen; we only talk different tha nose. ********************************* GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WERE WATCHING A RELIGIOUS HEALING PROGRAM ON TV...... THE EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED, TO PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED... GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HER ARTHRITIC HIP.. GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HIS CROTCH... GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM WITH DISGUST: "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD COOT.....THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD." //////////////////////////////// A Drugs officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown marijuana." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land, no questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? " The rancher nods politely, excuses himself, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher Drops his tools, slowly walks over to the fence,and yells to the DEA officer, "Your badge! Show him your badge!" ************************ AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES 1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.. 2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER. 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH 6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM. DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE NERDS - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS. ///////////////// Regards Sue. To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat y...@address.here. For help, write to arachnemodera...@yahoo.com.
